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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to stay with inlaws

13 replies

climbanymountain · 26/05/2008 23:11

I just can't bare them. They were horrible to me from day one (20+ years ago) and nowadays everything about them annoys me (and vice versa I'm sure).

I have told DH that from now on I don't want to stay at their house and will visit if we can stay at a local cottage or similar. They are v upset and DH is caught in the middle.

Am I awful or should I stand my ground?

OP posts:
findtheriver · 26/05/2008 23:16

Stand your ground. If you can't stand them, then staying with them will be hell on earth. Stay in a lovely nearby cottage, grit your teeth and call in for a cuppa, then run!!

JudgeNutmeg · 26/05/2008 23:25

I just don't visit at all and let dh and children have a lovely holiday at the inlaws without me. Much better for everyone IMO and I don't have to get wound up or listen to any passive-aggressive claptrap anymore. Bliss.

theBOD · 26/05/2008 23:28

depends would you accept similar fro your husband? to refuse to stay at your parents?
if you are happy to stay at a cottge next time you go to visit your parents then YANBU.
if you expect him to stay with your family then i'd say you have to stay with his

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 26/05/2008 23:28

You'll be more pleasant, more refreshed, calmer and nicer to be around if you are able to leave when you want, and get some headspace/time to get your feelings out. So I think staying nearby is a good all round solution, personally! They still get to see you all, without you getting so irritated by them, and it's like a little holiday for you to stay in the cottage too (which would be my explanation, to them so they can't take it personally) Staying in someone's house isn't much of a holiday, after all.

RosaLuxembourg · 27/05/2008 00:07

YANBU at all. I would pay exceedingly good money never to have to stay at my ILs again. Ever since the time they made me eat in the kitchen with the children while DH ate in the dining room with the grown ups, in fact.

Stand your ground, girl.

ninedragons · 27/05/2008 00:15

Blimey! Do you have appalling table manners then, Rosa?

cornsilk · 27/05/2008 00:17

Did you have to eat chicken nuggets as well?

chunkychips · 27/05/2008 00:18

It's a huge statement and puts dh in a very awkward position. Is there no way you can sort it out with them?

RosaLuxembourg · 27/05/2008 00:19

Absolutely shocking Ninedragons. I cut my roll, rather than breaking it, I eat my soup towards me, not away from me, I don't eat my banana with a fork and and I have NEVER got the hang of finger bowls - I keep drinking the water.

nametaken · 27/05/2008 00:31

No YANBU, I'm only surprised it's taken you 20 years to decide not to go there. It took me 7 years and I must say it was very very liberating when I stopped going.

DH takes the kids on his own.

To be honest, I'm sure the only reason the in-laws actually wanted me there for is to do all the childcare while they talk with their son.

I wouldn't even bother with a cottage, I'd just not go.

Mand81979 · 27/05/2008 00:58

I am sure its horrible feeling like you have put your husband in an awkward position but I think your doing the right thing. Hey if I was you I would do the same.

My mother in law, father in law, brother in law + girlfriend visit every thursday. I dreed it every week. They shut up everytime I walk in the room, they refused to even have me in the house or visit us until our first born and now I am suppose to forgive and forget, hand over my baby and even forget they cried and begged my husband not to marry me the day he annonced our engagement and even on our wedding day. By the way no I didn't steel the family jewellery, or am in any way an undesirable. Just was the first girlfriend for their oldest son, and didn't know that when dating him I was suppose to visit said parents for tea and coffee for their approval! I did try to clear things up before we were married because I could see how it was effecting my husband (well boyfriend at the time) but I was told I was a stupid girl and that they weren't sure they could forgive me for not visiting and to stay away so they could think about it. I so disperately wanted to tell them to stick their forgiveness but I bite my tongue and in anger cried like a baby. I hate them more since that attempt than I did before hand. So now I have realised that I am better off putting as much space between us as possible.

Original poster
climbanymountain · 27/05/2008 10:59

Oh thank you thank you thank you. I don't feel such a witch now. DH is very understanding but I know he's sad I won't stay. He says we should compromise and stay a few nights and then move out but I have to say (and do) that that'll make it worse.

They are now barely speaking to DH and I know it is upsetting him because they are getting quite old and we had a rift with them years ago and it is sort of healed.

I just don't want to be around them and at 40 I think why should I put up with their rudeness, sarcasm, wierd habits any longer.

The thing is, I've was such a polite girlfriend and tried so so hard. But I too was the first real girlfriend of the oldest son. I wasn't local. They did absolutely everything in their power to turn DH against me and break us up. I've never forgiven them and TBH I couldn't care if I never saw them again. But I know the kids need to see their GPs so I put up with it. We live 600 miles away so everytime we visit it involves a plane and staying for a long time - I need my space!!

OP posts:
anneme · 27/05/2008 11:08

I think that sounds a v good idea climb - and it will put them out less too (at least that is how you can sell it to them!)
Mand - I can't believe that they come round every week - they sound AWFUL
My v difficult FIL has just been put in perspective!!!!

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