Aibu to read her the riot act?

[BombayBicycleclub]

Yes I know. I probably am being unreasonable. My mum is not old by any means. She’s 65, I love her beyond all words, my dad died when I was 12 and I’m 34 now. We’re very very close.

I added her to our ‘iPhone family’ and because I set the family up, all payments for any apps comes out of mine and my husbands joint account. Even if my mum buys something on her phone. Ie through an app.

yesterday I saw a payment in our bank account I didn’t recognise so I did some digging and realised that my mum is paying £6.99 per week for an app which is obscene but also she’s spent £64.95 on a game by getting more ‘points’ or whatever it is.

So I’ve removed her from the family because I need to figure out how to make it take payments from her account not ours, if that’s even possible! I’m also going to have to have a chat about internet safety as the app she’s paying weekly for is essentially chat gpt which is free 🤦‍♀️.

Initially we thought it was a great idea because we can share location and as she’s a vicar in a rural area it’s really helpful in that respect because if I pop over I know roughly when she’ll be home or if she’s got a late late meeting I can see she got home safe, and she can see when I’m home from chemo treatments because she worries I’m driving home after that.

I will be kind, I won’t be horrible about it and I certainly don’t intend to tell her to stop spending money on whatever she wants but I just need it to not be from our account and I can’t see a way of having her own payment options ? It seems to automatically come up as ours

Hardly worth the riot act, you clearly didn’t know how to set up on there without your bank account details so how would she know different? I wouldn't have a clue. Give her a bell or visit. Job done. No drama.

Yes you would be very unreasonable to read your mum the riot act. She is not a child, talk to her like a normal adult.

There are two separate issues here that you are mixing.

First, does your mum actually realise she has subscribed to these apps? I’m a very tech savvy person and sometimes I get caught out by clicking something with tiny print hiding a fee. A lot of apps are deliberately designed with deceptive charges. Rather than have a go, ask her if she’s aware of what she’s paying.

Second, isn’t the entire purpose of iPhone Family to share purchases, so everyone added to the “family” can make purchases and it’s paid for by the owner and everyone can share the purchase? If your main benefit is sharing locations there are other (better) ways to do that. Find Friends, for example. WhatsApp location sharing. Air tags.

Yeah I know im being unreasonable. She’s not tech savvy at all so I think she doesn’t realise she has subscribed to whatever it is she’s subscribed to. I have now actually fixed it anyway by googling so her purchases are now going to be paid for by her!

I think I do need to chat to her about the 6.99 per week charge as that’s a lot! The issue I had with the purchases were mainly about in app purchases for more lives in a game only shes playing, so it kind of stung a bit!

I can't believe an adult doesn't know theyre subscribed when you literally go to a window that shows your card details and the amount to be taken.

I'd show her an example of this by going to purchase something random and showing her that exact window.

I'd ask her if she would prefer to remove her card from enabling purchases so its just not possible.

In terms of removing her from the chat to see location - if youre that bothered, just do it the old fashioned way and call her? Although its pretty easy to take her away from being able to make purchases.

I did some digging and realised that my mum is paying £6.99 per week for an app which is obscene

Until your update, I thought you meant your mum had subscribed to a porn app!

My Mum's Fire tablet is registered to my Amazon account, but I've put parental controls on it so she can't inadvertently purchase anything. She's a lot older than your mum, though.

Just have a talk to her about it. Not unreasonable not to want to pay for her games. Yes, that is a rip off amount of money, 364 quid a year for an app is outrageous, maybe if you put it to her like that she will get it.

If she’s not savvy enough to know that she has subscribed to a site that is more of a rip off (not pointing fingers- my tech skills are basic), perhaps it would be useful to sit and have a look at her bank account to see all her direct debits in total.

BIL did that with DMIL and saved over $5k a year as she had subscribed to every begging letter that had come through the post for years.

I think it’s worth having a conversation with her about exactly WHY you’ve removed her and that neither you or your DH want to be paying for that kind of thing for anyone.

Why would you read her the riot act? You say she is a vicar so leads a fairly full life but isn't very techie? Just explain what she's signed up for, ask her if she's OK with it and then say you've altered the payment arrangement so it comes out of her account not yours. Offer to help her cancel it if that's what she'd like. Riot act? Fhs.

This sounds very controlling. If I were your mum, I'd be telling you to back off. She would be better off getting herself tech savvy, so she can spend her money, how she wants.

ETA - sorry, I did notice you realise its your mum's cash, but you're coming across as bossy.

She's 65, not 95. Don't read her the riot act. Tell her what you've done.

YABU.
all you have to do is go in to your family sharing settings and change ‘purchase sharing’ - either to off entirely, or if you want it for some people and not all, then leave it on but tap on her name and the ‘purchase sharing’ settings under her own name. If you get stuck, call support and they will talk you through it step by step as you’re doing it.

screenshot may be pending

I’m 72 and my daughter pays monthly for my phone and I won’t pay for any apps as I wouldn’t expect her to pay . I only download free apps . She probably thinks that they are free OR that the payment is from her account . I’m sure she will be more careful once you have explained the problem.