How do you explain self harm scars to young children?

[HippogryphicalHistogram]

I used to cut my arm when I was younger. I haven't done it in decades but the scars are very much visible and they aren't easily explained away. They look exactly like what they are.

I have young kids. The oldest is 7 and hasn't really asked me what they are yet but I know they will at some point probably sooner or later. They have heard me tell other adults though that they are old scars from an accident (they don't look like any accident could have caused them but it's enough to get adults to stop asking usually).

I really don't know what to say if they ask. I don't want to lie. I think when they are older and perhaps know that self harm is a thing I can tell them the truth and explain it to them but for now I don't even want them to think that this is a legitimate way of dealing with your issues (or avoiding dealing with your issues...). I'd hate to lie though and also, they don't look like they are likely to have been caused by an accident so there isn't even a great lie that would convince them. I could just say it's none of their business or I'll talk to them when they are older but I think that would make them just more curious or perhaps freak them out.

What would you say?

Your could say, it happened when mummy was poorly , unwell .

Don't tell them. You don't have to introduce them to mental illness and self harm at that age.

Mummy hurt her arm. No more. Explain when older if you have to.

They have heard me tell other adults though that they are old scars from an accident - in which case why would they ask. It sounds as if you want them to know. And you don't want to lie to them as you say.

Thanks for the reply. I know that wouldn't be enough for them. They would definitely press for more details.

I would lie and say that it was an accident.
Info about your self harm is a burden they don’t need to have.

But you don't have to answer.

If they asked you when you last had sex, would you tell them?

Some things are none of a young child's business.

Have you considered laser therapy to smooth/remove the scars?

I think I would tell them an age appropriate truth. Something like

They are scars I got when I was a young girl /teen/ adults and then I learned about how I could deal with my emotions better.. you know like when I tell you to take a deep beeath and it helps you calm down?

redirect the conversation i to emotions. Keep the conversation truthful but make it a learning curve to how they deal with emotions themselves. Help them learn talking about emotions is safe and ok.

I dont believe in not telling the truth about big issues. Hiding them away wont aid in understanding.

If they ask why you said it was an accident. Answer because this is very private and I prefer only people I chose to know about it.

Lie. It is well known that there is a domino effect when it comes to self harming, you are normalising self harm if you tell them you did it to yourself. When they are adults, if at all, is the only time to tell them. Say you were in accident if they ask. Have a good story ready and say it confidently.

It doesn't matter what you want, it matters that you keep them as safe as you can for as long as you can.

Yes, you lie. And you don't let your child pressure you into sharing more details than if they were asking you your sexual preferences. Just no.

Also: You know, sweetie, you can't really ask prying questions about people's bodies, accidents or medical procedures if they haven't indicated it's okay to ask.
Also: Explain the difference between secret and private.

I wouldn't be saying that to a 7 year old in case they will think it will happen to them if they get poorly and unwell.

I am a great believer in some things are private, even from your own children. You don't need to tell them anything until YOU are ready. As the scars have always been there, they probably don't give it as much thought as you do. Most likely it will come up because a friend at the park/playdate will notice and ask.

A 'it happened a long time ago, before you were born' will suffice and distract either something else. Any further questions can be shut down until they are of an age to understand mental illness.

‘They are something that happened when I was ill.’
Follow up with a very boring ‘teachable moment’ about not asking questions about other people’s disfigurement.

I just say I fell over and cut my arm. Kids usually accept that.

I’d brush it off with “just old scars” for now

if pressed then add “it’s from so long ago when I was a child”

I would also lie and say it was an accident. You know what they look like and what would be plausible if they probe. Absolutely not appropriate for them to be told the truth. It would be very puzzling and a great worry for them I think.

I would lie

No point in going into the whole thing with small kids

Or say you forget how you got them

Why would you want to tell them that?

I don't want to tell them. That's the whole point. The problem is the stars look line very obvious cuts. Deep horizontal parallel lines. When people ask I always say it was an accident and happened a long time ago. No one believes it but it's enough to make most adults stop asking.

I think what I'll do is to tell the same story for now to dc if they ask, follow up with it's private and I don't want to elaborate if they press for details ( or maybe i don't remember?) And then when they are older like teenagers and definitely know about self harm explain it using Enko's approach.

OP, I’m in the same situation, although some of my scars are words (and not very nice words at that!) so definitely can’t get away with saying they’re the result of an accident.
Only one of my DC (11) has ever asked so far though, and he didn’t read the words (they’re quite hard to read now), just noticed them. I can’t remember exactly what I said; I think something along the lines of they’re very old and I’ll tell him more when he’s older. He asked why he had to wait until he was older, but seemed to accept it.
I don’t like lying to my DC, and if they ask questions, I normally try to find an age appropriate way of answering them — but, like you, I didn’t want to put the possibility of SH in his head.

I would lie.

I agree that seeding ideas about self harming - no matter gently - is not something you want to do.

Cat scratches ? Cat attack !

Once they get to adulthood (19/20) i would say they are past the age of influence and you can be honest. AND also then be honest about why you lied.

My DC asked me about my scars when they were younger (very messy scars from chronic self-harm in my teens and 20s).
I didn't need to lie, as just said "I hurt myself when I was younger" and shrugged. No lie was told, nor was an elucidation offered. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would honestly just skirt around the question and just talk about all the differences on people's skin and say "every persons body we see is different, some people have scars, some people have moles, freckles, lumps and bumps, hair etc. It's all part of what makes us who we are are, but it's important not to ask questions about them as some people might feel embarrassed. Its ok to notice and be curious, but we must keep it to ourselves but not to point out something on someone's body that is unusual to you".

I know you want to be honest, but just a heads up, it might plant the idea in their head as something they can do. I remember being a young teenager and learning about eating disorders, it's not something I really knew anything about, but once we learned about it I did in fact pick up those traits and develop an ED because it gave me ideas and inspiration on to how lose weight. It was the exact opposite of what the school were trying to do. You don't want them to think it could be a way for them to cope with their emotions by putting the idea in their head. I also have self harm scars but they aren't majorly noticeable I dont think, I wouldn't want my daughter thinking it could be used as a coping mechanism like I did

"It's just something I have" - end of discussion.

If pushed, you were attacked by a tiger / shark / Gruffalo on a day out in the jungle. Make it into a fun story of your imagination.

There is absolutely no age appropriate way to discuss this at the moment. It's something you don't want to plant into the mind of a young child, hopefully you'll never need to manage the same issues with your kids.

And I hope you're in a better place now of course!

At that age, if they should ask, I'd probably joke and say a shark/monster tried to nibble you but you defeated them, and then chase the child pretending to be the creature. Get them to defeat you with a 'sword' while you do a death swoon. A bit older, I'd possibly say that you hurt yourself (not untrue but also implies an accident). If pressed, you could say you fell off a bike into a thorn bush.

I'd be reluctant to tell them the truth until they're a lot older. I remember my mum telling me about another teen who had been cutting themself. I hadn't known it was a thing but then the suggestion was there in my mind. When the abuse became worse at home, I then started self-harming. Looking back I do wonder, if the suggestion had not been there, what would I have done?

Absolutely do not tell them about self harm, let alone that you self harmed. Poor kids do not need to know that about their mother.
You tell them that mummy had an accident when she was younger.