I suspect therapy is the answer…
There are no good memories of my Dad - he didn’t beat me, but was verbally abusive, demeaning, finding creative ways to humiliate me. Some words still ring in my ears. It was all written off by DM as “it’s how he expresses his love”, telling me off for being upset, telling me to ignore him in a very cold tone, like it was my responsibility to control the situation. She didn’t want the hassle, at best she would tell him to leave me alone. In my early teens he has become a functioning alcoholic and everything got even worse, as we lived in one bedroom, all three of us with him pissed, until I moved out at 18. There was one case of minor SA that I have not shared with anyone to date, nobody will believe me, and even at 10 I knew not to speak. I would not blow up their lives in their 70s now.
DM - I worshiped her as a child and remember her being most affectionate and loving, except when I was inconveniencing her ref. above. But also, I remember her not speaking to me for days if I have done something bad. Not sure what crimes where but silent treatment was very harsh and I had to sob and grovel for forgiveness. In my teens, her closeness became a touch over bearing, I guess she was tired of hard life and often took it out on me. I was loved if I was good.
I have lived in another country from them for 20 years now and visit every couple of years, I support them financially but I do not think I love them. I have hated him with passion for many years and now I despise him with disgust. DM - not sure, there were wonderful times with her but years on I wonder why she always chose him, why she didn’t protect me. She gave me so many excuses in my teens about how we depend on him financially, so she can’t leave him, but the irony was that I have worked since 16, supported myself through night study, company paid for my degree and I lived separately since 18. I suspect, she didn’t want to be divorced, and wanted to have a model family, however badly covered up cracks..
So, a lot of confusion around if I am being fair on DM, has she tried her best at the time. These last months they needed a lot of money, several thousand GBP, which O am sending in chunks and get gushing messages back with love and thank you, also for DH who they never met as I don’t want him to meet them. It just disgust me, but I not sure if DM deserves more love than comes naturally?