To think that 'it's the thought that counts'

[bigyellowpen]

AIBU to think that no, it's not just the thought that counts. Sometimes you need to follow through on that thought?

Obviously huge back story to this but the short version is my mum is a great person for saying she must do XYZ but not following through. DS was 3 yesterday she told him she would order a gift to be delivered. It didn't arrive. She didn't order it. To be fair she will eventually order it. But she says it's the thought the counts. At 3 he didn't know but soon he will.

She says she will buy a get well soon card for 'Sharon' but doesn't. Then says 'but it's the thought that counts'

NO IT IS NOT!! Follow through on the though counts.

LOL sorry I am raving. I am painting her to be a caring, fancy free person. When really she is just full of shite. When she stays with me every single thing I do for her she says 'I was just about to do that'. She wasn't but she will say that.

Actions speak louder than words mother!

Could be you answer

or more bluntly
coulda woulda shoulda yeah heard it all before

she likes telling you how great she is - that’s all

How frustrating! If she’s a fan of cliche sayings then “Actions speak louder than words” fits here.

Also with situations like this, I wonder if the meaning of the phrase has been diluted over time. So the “thought that counts” in this instance would refer to your mum’s thoughtlessness- that’s what counts, what matters to you. The fact that she WASN’T thinking of your son on his birthday is what you’ll be “counting”.

Not for a 3 year old no, next birthday say to her you will order present for her and she can transfer money over, has she always been this flakey? My mum was like this drove me insane especially when it involved the children, they are adults now and just take what she says with a pinch of salt.

When she stays with me every single thing I do for her she says 'I was just about to do that'. She wasn't but she will say that.

My late mil was the same. I’d say “oh sorry, go on then, you do it and I’ll do something else..” and every time she said “Oh no that’s alright”

One time I was washing up and she said “I was just about to do that” yet again. I said “You always say that when I start doing something!” in a nudging, jokey kind of way.

The reply I got was “Oh well, at least I know what you think of me now!” She promptly left the room and was sulky for two days.

Mine is like this. Difference being she doesn’t say it’s the thought that counts but I also never pull her up on it as up until recently she’d done a number on me that she was a fabulous mother but also very hard done to which made it hard to pull her up on stuff but now I have got the courage to pull her up I know she’s not got the emotional intelligence to understand and I really cannot be bothered. She does love a terminating cliche though so they’ve that in common.

it is like she thinks saying the thing is as good as doing the thing. Easter egg for child a few years ago, promised a very fancy one, didn’t get the fancy one in fact didn’t get one at all. Just told my daughter I didn’t get you one, no apology. Child had not asked for an egg, my mother had offered it. She asks what my child wants for Christmas with no intention of buying it. Or saying your mum will have to get that .

I used to do that but I’ve stopped, I’m not covering for her. Different when they are little.

I think she’s misusing the phrase.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ is what you might say when a friend got you a birthday present you didn’t like, or baked you a cake with an ingredient she had forgotten you were allergic to — there’s a good intention, which the recipient of the present and cake gets and decides to focus on, rather than the fact that they couldnt eat the cake and regifted the fluffy bed socks to someone else.

But if she doesn’t order the gift for the grandchild, or send the get well soon card to Sharon, she’s the only person who knows about the ‘thought’. The child doesn’t get a present on their birthday, and Sharon has no idea someone is wishing her a full recovery.

Yeah i stopped bothering and just let them find out for themselves. She promised them holidays and days out and nothing materialised, I am not sure why she is like it.

I agree. She’s got the saying wrong imo!
I feel like it means, if someone can’t afford a gift for me, or is short of time/energy, then a card would do, or something handmade etc.. something, a small effort! It’s not like the thought in your head counts! Thinking is not an effort.

I think you need to teach your DCs that their grandmother doesn't mean a word of what she says and not to take anything she says seriously at all.

They will learn very quickly and not be disappointed in future when their expectations are managed.

If she find an out you have told them this, then simply be frank and tell her she doesn't understand the expression, "It's the thought that counts." And that disappointment is really hard for kids and you're just helping them cope with flaky, unreliable people.

Sometimes it's just better not to pussyfoot around.

Your mother is not using the phrase properly. It's meant to be for when you think something would be kind/lovely and do it and it isn't as welcomed by the person as you'd hoped. Eg you go to massive trouble to find them the coat they love but get the wrong colour. What your mother is doing us over promising and under delivering, and yes, it's a trait that is anything between disappointing to actively harmful to be on the receiving end of. The only way to manage is to ignore what she's says she'll do and if it's important do it yourself. You do need to tell her to stop promising DC things. I'd say, don't spoil the surprise if I wanted to do that without it leading to a difficult conversation where you confront her.

I have called her out on a few things. I went to stay with her a while back. The guest room wasn't made up, that's fine I am well able to put on a few sheets. Although I had heard about 500x in the run up to my visit that 'she must do that' anyway. I'm there getting the sheets and she says 'oh I was just about to do that' I handed her the sheets and said well if you're sure, yes you do it. She let me do it.

@AnotherGreyMorning I will teach them that. It was a lesson I had to learn myself the hurtful way as a child. I remember being about 6ish and throwing a huge tantrum because we didn't go to the park. But it wasn't just a 1 off, that time got away from us. It was build up of 100 little promises broken. It was never about the park. But I was a 'dramatic little thing'. @5128gap I do call her out sometimes, she recently tried to tell DC we would do something to get him to be quiet. I told her not to lie to him.

@Coffeeishot I normally do order everything for her. But DH was working away last week so I was solo everything with a 3yr old and a baby. She said 'you can look that up later' I told her I absolutely would not have time to and she would need to do it herself.

ARGH yes DM is the same. She’s very financially irresponsible so never really has money near my birthday, and will always find some gift I want/ask what I want, and tells me it’s the thought that counts, she knows what she’s getting me and she’ll order it when she next gets money 😂 She never does, and gets offended if she ever notices I’ve bought something she said she’d buy me. This has been ongoing since I was about 11.

I now have a kid and have sworn to never use that phrase around him.

@bigyellowpen Do you think your mum has anxiety and just says "stuff" so she doesn't have to do anything? i am positive that is what's going with my mum , she just says whatever pops into her head.