Can’t Face my Ex due to infidelity

[ThatOliveCat]

Hello,

First time poster, so please go gentle!

my husband left me 2 years ago for a woman he works with. We have 3 children , now15,13 and 11. He moved this woman in with him almost immediately and it was incredibly traumatic for us all. He provides financially, but sees the children intermittently. His relationship with them has really been damaged as they see him prioritising his new relationship and her children over them (which he does) The level of betrayal and disrespect for our 20 year relationship has been the worst pain I’ve ever been through, especially the impact it’s had on the children (that’s a whole new thread!) so I try and avoid him at all costs. He’s never stepped foot in my new house and the kids go out to him and I never speak to him face to face. I contact him only through text messages and occasional phone calls. The children understand why I feel the way I do. Obviously they know about the other woman from day 1 as that’s how quickly he introduced them to her. Family one day and the next he was living with someone else.

anyway, I really struggle with kids school events. I pray that he won’t go to them and he does sometimes. Today is my youngest daughter’s sports day and he is going. I really want to go as well, but I can’t stand the thought of seeing him. It makes me want to vomit. I’m actually sat here crying thinking about it. I know I won’t be able to concentrate on her races and I will want to leave as soon as I see him. I just dont know how to overcome this. I’ve tried counselling and it hasn’t worked. I wish I never had to see him for the rest of my life, but really I’m going to miss out on her sports day and she really wants me to come. If he speaks to me I’ll probably end up bursting into tears! It’s absolutely unbearable.

please can someone make any suggestions about how to overcome this . I can’t go on like this for the next x amount of years. Honestly, I don’t ever think I’ll get over what he did to us all.

thanks for reading.

Are there any other mums at school you are friendly with? I have one or two school mum friends I could message about this and ask them to stand/sit with me for moral support. Or I could ask my own mum or dad to come with me.

I'm so sorry for what he's done to you.

This is really hard for you OP.

But all you can do is focus on your DD and how important it is to her.

Make sure you look your best . Try and mingle and socialise with other parents that you know. And praise and support your DD. Try and totally ignore him.

I know it's easy to say and hard to do but your DD deserves the day to be about her.

I appreciate the feelings are strong, but this isn't about you. It's about your daughter. So you need to pull yourself together and be the strong parent that she needs today on sports day.

If you haven't had any counselling regarding this, then I suggest you prioritise this as you are clearly holding onto a lot of anger and need to learn to let this go.

Focus on having fun with your kids.

I know that sense of utter dread about seeing someone, and the wave of horror/adrenaline when you see them.

Make your child be your only focus that day. If you know any of the other parents, stand with them.

As the counselling was of no use, have you looked into CBT or self confidence course, or mindfulness? Stuff that teaches you how to calm yourself and focus on the present/breathing?

Also, he probably is hoping to not see you, if he has any kind of decency at all (unlikely) he should be feeling ashamed and conspicuous.

I hear you OP.

My dc were younger, and when my ex showed up to their sports day (singular, only event he ever attended) I had a huge group of mums around me both physically and emotionally.

You are coming to a point where you might soon be attending events where both parents (and their guests) might be reasonably expected to attend, such as graduations, engagement parties, weddings, christenings. I can only urge you to get support for you understandable feelings towards your ex and his new partner.

My parents divorced acrimoniously and managing my mum at such events was quite a burden which overshadowed them for me. It's never, ever going to be easy, but you must seek support, if only to take away that future burden from your dc.

It’s been 2 years, and you are still allowing this man to control your thoughts, actions and behaviours.
The only person who can make the change is you. You have to decide to take the power back, and, you are perfectly capable of doing that.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied, I really appreciate all of your kind words and support more than I can say.
I just wanted to update you all and say that I did go to sports day. I put a bit of tan on, did my makeup, wore my sunglasses, and sat well away from him. I managed to get through it, and honestly… it was actually a lot better than I thought it would be. I even spoke to him very briefly at the end and didn’t cry or fall apart, which I was so scared of happening.
I’ve seen him a handful of times since everything happened, but I’m really trying to rise above it now, especially for the kids. Weirdly, he looked awful, which somehow made it a lot easier too!
My daughter was so happy I came, and I’m honestly glad I didn’t miss it. Thank you again, your messages really helped push me to go when I felt like I couldn’t. ❤️

That's a really positive update OP.

Well done you!

Well done OP. You should be so proud of yourself!

Well done for going. You really have to push through for your children. I saw way more of my ex than was healthy when he first left for OW. He used to come to my house 4 days a week after school to be with DS and let the dogs out when DS was still at primary.
It was covid that stopped all that and made me start to feel sane again. I got my key back around then. Now 7 years on from the split we are friendly but it took about 4 years for me to feel I was getting over it despite me thinking long before then that on the whole she might have done me a favour!

It takes time, just be kind to your self.

Good for you - you were so strong to go. Knowing you have to do it for the sake of your kids doesn't make it easier, but you went anyway and you smashed it. I really hope you try again with therapy and that you can start to put this behind you soon, and look forward to the future - I'm sure it is bright. xx