How angry would you be - tattoo?

[JuniperJuly]

TLDR: If you were travelling to get what you thought was a matching tattoo with someone but they pulled out, how pissed off would you be?

"Jane" and I have been friends since secondary school. We used to be really close but arent anymore because of distance. We still talk a lot and meet a few times of year and the chat is fun but superficial.

I have 2 tattoos. She has 1.

We both follow a tattoo artist who is known for her amazing birds. I am in the artist's city in September with work so told Jane that I was thinking about getting a bird (which was true). Things got carried away and we both booked to get a bird together in September.

I didnt put any big meaning to it but turns out Jane did and she is really excited about getting matching tattoos. That isnt how I see the tattoo.

In the year since booking, I've decided I dont want another tattoo. I really love the birds but the 2 tattoos I have are really meaningful and somehow (to me) a meaningless tattoo dilutes those. I know its stupid but that is where I am.

We are both travelling about the same distance to the artist's city but mine is on expenses. Jane has said that she would have got a bird earlier if the artist had been closer to her. Im happy to pay for her travel and hotel and obviously I'll go with her and hang out with her.

The artist has a huge waiting list so will fill my slot easily as long as I let her know soon. Plus Ive paid almost 50% deposit so even if she doesnt, she wont be out of pocket.

So, when I tell Jane, Im not getting a tattoo, how pissed off do you think she'll be? She'd have got the tattoo anyway if the artist had been closer.

I'm not getting something permanent on my body to not upset someone else.

I got a matching tattoo with a friend if she had pulled out I wouldn't of been bothered in the slightest I liked the tattoo so I would still have got it. If your not sure absolutely dont get it, its a tattoo you need to be 100% certain. I would still go with her make a day off it.

So why did you say she's unreasonable as that's exactly why she's not getting it done!????

It says in my post, why.

Yes but not why you're answering a question that wasn't asked. It's a POLL, not a free for all what you think about someone.

Ahh I am the person who pulled out of matching friendship tattoos. I pulled out actually at the tattoo shop. Friend went ahead anyway, was a little disapointed but she did also want the tattoo anyway.
Telling her sooner rathet than later is the best thingm then she has time to really decide if it is something she still wants to do. I'd suggest the trip anyway even if the tattos dont go ahead.

Yes, it's a poll, I answered it and gave my reasons.

It’s fine, but you will sound horrible if you explain it as you have done here: that your other tattoos are meaningful but a bird done with her as your longstanding friend means nothing.

Just tell her that you have realised you are happy with your tattoos as they are and have realised that though you love the birds you are not wanting to add more. But you look forward to accompanying her and admiring her first tattoo.

She’s unreasonable to not get a tattoo because you don’t like tattoos makes no sense but at least you got to tell people you don’t like them.

I wouldn’t have a problem with you backing out, OP.

Meh! If that's the spin you want to put on it.

It’s what you said.

I agree.
What does it matter?

If the appointment is in September, then you’ve given her plenty of warning. It’s not liked you pulled out with minutes to go. Actually, you’re still entitled to pull out with minutes to go, as long as you given her the chance to pull out as well.

You’ve changed your mind. That’s fine.

It's a poll, I answered and gave reasons. I could easily have answered and not given reasons. It is what it is. I'm not going to indulge in your desire to argue the toss around the spin you have put on it 😂

It does feel like that!

I know it isn’t the point of the thread but if you’ve paid a 50% deposit then the artist will be out of pocket if she can’t fill your appt.

Adults with matching tattoos make me cringe.

Friends getting matching tattoos seems a bit odd to me. A friendship doesn't need anything like that to be a good friendship.

I can sort of understand a parent getting a tattoo that symbolises their children. The tattoo is permanent and so is that person being a parent to that child.

Unfortunately anything else such as friendships and even marriages can be transient. Who wants to be stuck with a tattoo to remind you of someone you might fall out with 10 years down the line.

Just tell her now OP. If she makes a fuss and you fall out over it just be thankful you haven't got a bird inked on you forever as a permanent reminder of this moment.

You are unreasonable to pay for her travel and hotel because it was her desire to get the tattoo, you didn't force her. Why should you cover her costs? You are not unreasonable to change your mind. And I really don't get it why she would be mad, it's your body.

I wouldn't mind at all tbh, if Jane doesn't want the tattoo for its own sake but only as part of a matching pair with you then she's not ready for permanent dermal artwork, IMO.

Exactly. I feel like this when I see people on social media saying “Time for a new tattoo - what should I get?” or similar. If you have to ask someone else’s opinion, you shouldn’t - and if you need someone else to get the same tattoo, you also shouldn’t.

But surely the whole point of the deposit is to minimise potential losses? If the artist can’t fill that slot before September, she was never going to fill that slot. If she keeps the OP’s deposit, she has 50% of what she could earn in that slot if she filled it, as opposed to nothing had the slot just stayed empty.

You're not close, and you describe your friendship as superficial. Even if matching tattoos were a thing I was interested in, these wouldn't be the circumstances I'd be getting them.

I would just be upfront and say that you've slept on it and changed your mind. I wouldn't pay for her travel to get there if she decides to go ahead. Her feelings are her responsibility, and if she is pissed off that's her business. Only one way to find out.

depending how much time you have I wouldn’t go straight to the ‘I’ve decided I’m not getting the tattoo’ convo. I’d start with ‘I’m having a bit of a wobble about whether I want it’. This way your friend has some time to adjust and it takes the shock out of it for your friend to hopefully avoid any knee jerk anger

I am wondering if this is more about an imbalance in the friendship than the tattoo, and if OP realises that actually Jane considers her a closer friend than she does.

It's £100 deposit for a tattoo that would have taken 2hrs (ie the tattoo was £200). I know they have overheads but if bringing in £50ph doesnt cover them then there is something wrong with their business model.

I do understand that she needs as much notice as possible.

This^
if you’ve changed your mind tell her about it asap. Just say you don’t fancy another tattoo and that’s it.