To struggle that MIL and I feel differently about parenting?

[Sticksandstooones]

I am lucky to have a MIL who is a kind, generous and patient woman. I love her dearly, though I know that we are very different people. We are obviously different in age, but also in culture, religious belief and temperament.

We moved to live quite close to her after she was widowed a couple of years ago. We see her pretty much every other day, which I think is nice for her and for my children (4, 2 and 0). She is very supportive of us and helpful in any way that she can, though she struggles to look after the children on a practical level so doesn’t provide regular childcare - which is totally fine, but I want to be clear that I’m not using her for unpaid childcare!

The issue I have is that we have some differences of opinion when it comes to parenting styles. I think that my husband and I broadly try and practice “respectful parenting” (sorry to label it that) - in that we try and remain calm and consistent, but we set firm boundaries. Interestingly, I know that my own mum thinks we are a bit soft. MIL, however, seems to think that I’m positively draconian.

This is becoming particularly frustrating with my eldest who, whilst generally a lovely boy, definitely benefits from having clear and firm boundaries in place. He is lively and strong-willed and bright, and behaves well if he knows clearly what the expectations are. Unfortunately, my MIL will allow him to do things like hit her (starts as play fighting - I have a zero tolerance approach to this as he was a “hitter” as a young toddler), will not stick to my rules, buys toys when I have asked her not to, and will try and override me if I am asserting a boundary at home (such as requiring him to ask before leaving the table).

I am finding this increasingly annoying. I feel that she is undermining me in front of the children, especially my son, and I do not think this is in his best interests. Sending mixed messages about what is acceptable behaviour is confusing for a just-turned-4yo. I don’t think it’s fair for her to police my parenting in my own house - obviously, I’d be happy for her to discuss any issues with me, but would ideally wait until the children were not around!

I know that grandparents can often be more relaxed than parents, and it is absolutely not MIL’s role to parent my children - but I feel that we see her far too regularly for her to exhibit such a different approach. I’m finding that I’m coming up with more and more excuses not to have her over, but she just pops in. Husband is generally in agreement with me and has spoken to her about this, but it hasn’t made any difference.

AIBU? Any suggestions?

Start keeping the door locked.. If you must open it have your boundaries ready..
Sorry mil we are having tea /bath time /bedtime.
Send dh to speak to her.. Make it clear she isn't invited in.

I think your dh needs to try again tbh. My mum was like this - a mischief maker and a softie with a generous soul - she would constantly try and give dd1 gifts or buy her things on family outings and would say to dd “your mummy would say I mustn’t but I want to bug you a treat” which made me look like a bad guy!

in the end I said to my mum, “look I don’t really know how to be a perfect parent but I’m trying to put some boundaries in place. You were just as strict when I was a kid. I do want you to have fun being a gran but can we at least agree that if we are shopping you’ll just buy one or two things, not six, and if there’s a rule in my house that it gets followed, please? Because I’m finding it hard.”

And after that she was fine. I don’t think she’d realised how much I was struggling!

My mum passed away some years ago and I miss her so much, dc2 only knew her for two years. I would give my right arm to have her here now, spoiling my kids rotten and leaving me with an exasperated dh!

I think you both need to get to an understanding of what her role is as their grandmother. My MIL spoils the kids (and the dog) but I let her because she wants to be “fun” and I want to let her (and the kids) have that. She doesn’t intervene in our parenting though.

She is very supportive of us and helpful in any way that she can,

Err, no she isn’t. She is not supportive of your parenting choices and deliberately undermining you. That is not the action of someone prepared to help you!

Id be mighty pissed off in your shoes. Letting it go for the sake of harmony might to be my approach if I only saw her occasionally but in your shoes I’d be laying down the law. Kindly explain your point as you gave here- but outline the consequences for ignoring you and cracking on with her own agenda will be a large reduction in the time she spends with your family

Unfortunately I find I have to be quite firm (abrupt probably) with my mother in law as she’s like this - when she looks after the children there’s very few boundaries but I leave that to her - but when I’m there I don’t take kindly to my parenting being interfered with

Grandparents should be allowed to have a softer, more indulgent relationship with their grandchildren, but in your case it seems like her proximity and the frequency of her visits is muddying the waters. Her constant ‘popping in’ means she’s overriding your parenting on a daily basis and disrupting their normal routines, which is what’s causing the conflict.

Can you talk to her about differentiating between everyday interactions, when it’s reasonable to expect her to support your approach and help you stick to your rules, and ‘granny time’ - maybe weekends, or when she takes them out alone - when she can do things her way, or let the rules slide a bit? Kids remember lovely times with grandparents, when they were allowed to stay up late or eat sweets or choose toys or whatever, but those times should be special and infrequent, not so often that they’re undermining the way you choose to raise your kids.

She's not supportive, kind or generous to you, though. Living next door or within "popping in" distance of the in laws always reminds me of Everybody Loves Raymond, which was funny to watch but would be horrific to have to live through.