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Loan/gift from parent

7 replies

anonymous897 · 15/07/2025 20:18

Posting anonymous as aware this makes me quite entitled.
My mum passed away 3 years ago very suddenly she was fit well and 69 Dad had to retire due to ill health in his 50s is now 87 and not doing to bad for his age.
Dad is my step dad but been my dad over 45 years
My husband medically retired 5 years ago we are on UC with 2 kids at home and financially it's a struggle. I work 37 hours a week and care for dad and oh and do everything at home and for the kids. Im exhausted and also have my own medical issues. Money is really tight 8 months ago I started a new job (in workplace ive been at 6 years)I need a car for. My car is 12 years old and too small for the job really.

I visit dad twice a week do his shopping take him to appointments sort out his meds etc. Step sister sees him probably 4/5 times a year step brother about the same. I live 2 miles away they live over an hours drive.

When I started new job I mentioned to Dad if my car broke down I would lose my job as I couldn't afford to replace it he said not to worry and he wouldn't let it come to that.

Few months ago DD told me step sister had asked for 10k towards a new roof dad gave it to her and it turned out it was for solar panels. SS has a good job and is a doctor (not a medical doc) he has told her it's an advance on inheritance.
Step brother had 2k last year towards a car.

My car now needs work doing to it about 1k car is worth about 1.8k. On sat Dad said let's go look at cars and was insistent we went to show rooms I said they would be too dear and I was looking at cars around 5k we did see one the same as mine but only 7years old with only 44k miles 5k which I liked We also went to arnold clark and Citroën garage at his insistence but cheapest car was 9k.

He said we would talk on tues I've been round tonight and he was saying it's better the devil you know and he would rather just pay the 1k to keep mine on the road as he doesn't see the point buying a new to me car.

I know its his money and he can do what he likes with it but I'm feeling hurt that step siblings who do nothing ask and get given money and I'm the one who cares for him and have to practically beg and jump through hoops only for him to turn round and change his mind.

How do I feel less bitter about this.

OP posts:
FloraBotticelli · 15/07/2025 20:32

Let yourself feel the bitterness and use it to guide you to action that’s more comfortable for you. Either look after him as a freely given gift, or stop caring for him so much when you’re clearly hoping for something in return.

Theres nothing wrong with hoping for something in return btw, but at least do it consciously and be up front with him so you’re not secretly resenting the arrangement.

upandleftthenright · 15/07/2025 20:36

Can you claim carers allowance? Might make all the effort more palatable.

anonymous897 · 15/07/2025 21:08

I earn just too much for carers but get the carers component of UC. I think what I'm most upset about is the others just ask and it's given and he tells people how pround he is of them and I've got to tip toe around with my begging bowl. He keeps telling me things will get better but they won't oh will never work again and his condition will just get worse and worse then he will die. Physically and mentally I can't work any more hours due to my health and caring responsibilities. I'm fed up of just existing I want to live a bit

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 15/07/2025 21:16

It’s time the other children pulled their fingers out and took on some of his care. Don’t ask, tell them that due to your other caring responsibilities you can no longer carry the full weight of caring for Dad. Be firm, step back to a manageable level and let them get on with it.

caringcarer · 15/07/2025 21:19

I agree tell your siblings they need to doore towards caring for your Dad.

anonymous897 · 15/07/2025 21:49

tryingtobesogood · 15/07/2025 21:16

It’s time the other children pulled their fingers out and took on some of his care. Don’t ask, tell them that due to your other caring responsibilities you can no longer carry the full weight of caring for Dad. Be firm, step back to a manageable level and let them get on with it.

Step brother spends every weekend looking after his Mum. Dad left when he was 9 and SS was 5 and Dad didn't really see them until they were in their 20s. SS lives 4hrs drive away so it's not really practical for them to see him more. SB has told me he loves his Mum and will do anything for her but just checks in with Dad because it is his Christian duty. They are grateful to me and SB has told me he has told Dad to give me some money. SB is listed as Dad's next of kin and deals with his finances Dad is an old fashioned misogynist!

OP posts:
Gowlett · 15/07/2025 21:55

My sister gets because she asks.
You said “oh no, that car’s too dear”.
They just point at what they want.
Then they stick their hand out…

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