To feel very alone in this journey?

[purpledaze24]

My ex is taking me to court trying to get more time with our 5 yo DS (more than 50/50) he’s accusing me of all kinds of stuff - being an unfit mother, a drug addict, neglectful, physically abusive (previously to him and currently to our child). None of it is true. It’s been dragging on for nearly a year. I’ve tried my best not to burden anyone close to me with it, to deal with it myself and stay as positive as I can for my son. But I have very little support. I’m a single parent and had to move out of the town we lived in (only moved to the next town 15 min away) as my ex was constantly showing up at my door either demanding time with DS or out of the blue dropping him at my house when he knew I had work. I can’t prove any of this though and he’s denying it. Anyway that’s the main reason I moved and now he’s using the move against me, saying I took his child away from him. Anyway, I feel very isolated in my new area and I did try and speak to an old friend recently about what was going on as she had gone through a similar thing but she just said “my best advice is people just don’t want to hear about it”. Does she have a point or is she being a shitty friend? As a result I’ve kept my mouth shut about it to anyone else but having these horrible lies told about me really sends me into a spiral of self-hatred everytime I read an email from my solicitor. I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it because, as my friend said they probably just don’t want to know. My mum got pissed off with me the other day as I said DS and I couldn’t go and stay with her for 5 nights (she lives far away) as ex wouldn’t allow that and I’m very stressed with the court case and need to be here to deal with it. She just guilt-tripped me and said I never want to see her. She didn’t even ask about the case. I just don’t know if I’m expecting too much from friends & family and should just suck it up and get through it by myself or if I should expect a bit more support? Tbh I’m exhausted by pretending to be happy all the time and feel like I’ve withdrawn completely from friends & family and most of them have just accepted it (maybe they’re relieved!) my son is my world and honestly my best friend. If I lost anymore time with him than I already get I don’t think my life would be worth living anymore

I am really sorry.
Your friend is shit and your mum is worse. If I were her, I would come down to stay with you.
No, you are not asking too much.

I wonder if your friend find discussing it triggering. I’m sorry your ex is a shit.

I hope this goes to court soon as you need solid sets of time allocated for holidays as it’s incredibly unfair that you can’t take your son to visit family. Get a video doorbell to monitor any visits from your ex. He sounds incredibly unreasonable. Your friend does sound a bit unfair to you, i’d personally never say that to a friend going through such a traumatic issue. As long as you’re also still listening to your friend’s problems too, as I have a friend who is going through a tough time and all she does is offload her issues. Even when one of my best friends was dying recently she didn’t bother to say ‘how are you, how are you coping’. I find her a drain. But i’d still listen and give advice.

"Triggering". More overuse of therapy speak by selfish gits.
In such a terrible situation, I would be happy to listen to a friend vent.

Are you in the UK? Is your mother also in the UK, or does she live abroad?

As far as I recall a non-resident parent can deny permission for the child to be taken out of the country, but I don’t see any grounds they would have for preventing a child from going to visit their grandmother in another part of the country.

Courts are concerned with the good of the child, not the impulses of the parent - and I’d be extremely surprised if any court wouldn’t believe that maintaining a strong relationship with grandparents wasn’t a priority for the child.

I’m sorry you’re in this position; I know it can drag on for a long time. Just keep doing your best to build up your new life with your child - new friends, new activities, etc. Don’t let the court stuff dominate your life.

Try not to worry, as the family courts are constantly hearing this rubbish and they will soon discover it's lies.

Your ex could be applying for more time in order to avoid paying child support. This is another common tactic they use.

Your mother doesn't understand how the law works with regards to taking children on trips. When you're at court you can ask that it's included on the court order that you can take the child on holidays and trips to visit family etc. In the meantime, she'll have to deal with it.

Your friend isn't your friend. Research has found that going through family court to negotiate contact is as stressful as going through care proceedings. It's absolutely awful and takes years off you. At the risk of using a cliche, be kind to yourself, you are totally not over reacting. If you feel you're spiraling, go to the GP and get some medications to help you through. You don't need to stay on them long. They can help reduce anxiety and get things into perspective. The court also cannot use this against you, so don't be concerned there.

And the first post nails it.

It sounds like your abusive mother set you up for a life of having to do what other people say or feel bad.

The pair of they should fuck right off.

When your friend says “my best advice is people just don’t want to hear about it” is there perhaps some level of fatigue there from hearing about your problems which your friends no longer feel able to counsel you through? You’ve posted previously about your background, some of which indicates ongoing problems and struggles you’ve had for a number of years. Even excellent friends can grow weary after trying to support a troubled friend over a lengthy period of time. Have you had any professional help and / or therapy?

I think it very much depends on who you are talking about. Colleagues or neighbours - they don’t need to know details and they won’t want to.
Mum - of course she should know and should support you, it’s very shitty behavior from her, sorry for the expression.
Friends - I think close friends should know, be interested and supportive, that’s what friends are for but you have to leave space for their problems and for some light fun chat as well.

Thanks for the advice. I don’t feel like I talk about my problems that much to my friend or anyone really. But I have been having a consistently shit time for about 4 years now so (even though I try) I probably haven’t been that much fun to be around. I just feel very lonely tbh. I had a big circle of close friends a few years ago, now I literally have no one. That is very tough to adjust to and really makes me hate myself cos obviously it can’t be all of them! It must be me. The (extremely) difficult times I was having must’ve just become too much for them. I went from being laid-back, happy, fun to just having a constant dark cloud over me due to postnatal depression, that wasn’t very well-understood by the people around me, I became more and more isolated because of it and then because of that it became regular depression, so it was a bit of a vicious cycle. It’s just difficult trying to rise above it and build up my self-esteem when it’s being constantly torn down by my ex and because I know that I’ve lost so many people from my life because I became ill and became “a problem”. It’s so hard to stay positive sometimes