To find DS so exhausting

[rocksmetalandwood]

I love him so much, but honestly he just exhausts me. Never stops talking, moving, charging around, shouting. It goes on until I’ve lost it.

The mess he makes is unbelievable as well.

I think I’d have assumed it was normal but I had another child and this weekend DS went away and I just had my second one and it was so unbelievably chilled and calm.

He just really hurt me by climbing over my back and yanked my hair so I thought I was going to be scalped for a moment.

He isn’t like this all the time but it is so destructive towards our relationship.

What are his consequences for this violent behaviour? I’d be drained by this. Absolutely you don’t deserve it!

That totally tracks with a desire for sensory feedback - loads of kids sensory seek through chewing/mouthing/licking and things like biting their lips etc.

If you can focus on the fact that he is just trying to get his needs met and find a way to meet them that you can handle, you'll be better placed to head off the most frustrating behaviours.

I know people with sensory swings, play sofas that are designed to be jumped on, climbing walls in garages, resistance bands on chair legs to push against, a trampoline, and loads of other things that can help, but if you know the kinds of sensations he's trying to get, you can work out what might be most appropriate for him.

I did actually - failed induction followed by EMCS. My second was an elective section. She has tantrums (she is nearly 2) but they are so minor compared to his at the same age; she flings herself backwards and cries a bit, he would attack, bite, pull hair, scream, fight … The mess he makes is out of this world.

I don’t want to be a downer on him, he has lovely qualities, but I do wish he’d be a little calmer.

@DysmalRadius on that particular occasion I don’t think he was, I do think he was just being naughty!

Yes my youngest was terrible at 4. I used a reward chart with consequences - smiles for good stuff and frowns for bad stuff. Frowns meant no TV time or a new toy removed until the next day.
Did a lot of "respect my body/respect my no! That hurts and now I don't want to play with you because you keep hurting me!" Etc
Books from the library about emotions and playing nicely and bullies to help with social stuff

Also started to cool it with the big boy praise/chat as I think he was freaking out about the transition to Year R. Did a LOT of physical activity every day, swimming, splash parks, no sweets/ junk food totally limited as he went crazy off a chupa chupps..

He's 7 now and totally different. Really chilled but still prone to high emotions/stress especially perfectionism. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry just for info and for anyone else reading this, 4 is absolutely not too young to seek assessment. My son was referred at 1 and a half

@rocksmetalandwood apart from the reward chart which is a fantastic idea perhaps keep a good diary too (some foods can make certain behaviours worse especially cows milk or tomatoes or goodies with flour). My kids would get even worse after milk

I guessed you were going to say four before I read your answer op!

People always say it’s the terrible twos that are the worst but energetic four year olds can really drain you, Some are ready for school sooner than others! Can you offer him lots of physical and mental stimulation during the holidays? Is he getting enough stimulation and physical exercise at nursery?

Are there any extra sports or organised activities he can join? Preferably involving lots of open space and running around.

I do think you have to make a stand with him hurting you by ignoring him. Tell him not to hurt you and walk away. Dont add fuel to the fire, If he wants to be with you he has to behave. And really big up the positive things he does however small.

Is his dad on the scene? Does he take him out?

Does he get enough exercise, I used to take my children out and make then run for an hour or two every day, otherwise they were so boisterous. Even now DS needs to get out and run, and he is a teenager.

It's too young for ADHD, they won't even consider a referral at that age

He does get a lot of exercise, he isn’t a child you can really have a chilled day at home with!

I am very reluctant to go down the ADHD route with no evidence at all. If school think his behaviour is out of the ordinary I’ll explore it but otherwise I will accept it’s normal. I have to say I’ve never noticed him being vastly different to other similarly aged boys in a mixed settings; he’s probably more boisterous than a lot of girls though.

Ah sorry! Totally read that as ASD. My bad!

That was my DS, he is very intense even now but he is also very clever. I found things like time out etc were not great he just got upset and it didn't work. The exercise thing was the best, I'd literally notice the boisterousness coming on and we would just pop out for a run round the block, or I would try to channel his energy by asking him to show me how he could do something else. Also we had a strict bedtime routine that helped, his behaviour was definitely better when he had had a good night's sleep.

We keeps ds dairy free for this exact reason! With dairy he is much worse, struggles to concentrate- you can almost see his mind swimming all over the place which makes it hard for him to calm down and follow instructions. Dairy free and he is exponentially better. You can even see it if he accidentally has dairy, his behaviour declines for a couple of days before improving again when it wears off!

I know exactly how you feel. My oldest was like this and we've had some help from services at school etc. A family counsellor that I spoke to suggested that our difficult relationship could potentially stem from the traumatic birth and special care stay. She said that our bond wasn't properly established because of the circumstances. We've had to do a lot of work as a family to improve things. If your school has a place2be counsellor or similar it would be worth speaking to them. My son was assessed by SENCO and they said because he is doing everything he should be at school he can't go on their pathway but we were referred to a parenting course via place2be. It sounds a bit condescending but it really wasn't. We learnt some amazing things and it changed our family life for the better. You don't need to accept being hurt by your child. You start seeing it as normal but it's not and it's not a boy thing either. My 5 year old has never hurt me on purpose. If you don't want to do it through school speak to gp and health visitor because they might be able to refer you to similar services we accessed. Wishing you lots of luck with it as it seems a bit of a postcode lottery in terms of what is available at your school/in your area. It's not your fault either OP. I blamed myself but I was doing the best I could with the tools I had at the time.

Everything you have said totally resonates. My DC do have severe SEN, so it's a bit different in that regard, but the trying to lick faces, hurting, over boisterous, laughing at my anger stuff is identical.

Might be different for your family, but just to say, I TORTURED myself (and family also tortured me) for years that maybe I wasn't strict enough, was just a crap namby pamby parent etc etc. I tried stricter, I tried consequences consistently, it never worked and made us all miserable. Maybe that structure will work for your family, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't.

ND or not he’s 100% sensory seeking. All the behaviour you have described, when my middle and youngest sons were younger they were very like this. (Now 13 and 9) Both diagnosed autistic and my youngest has high support needs. Middle son is actually AuDHD. He’s louder than life, up one minute and down the next. Very anxious but not in an obvious way. He has PDA which makes things so difficult with guidance as everything you say has to be poised as a choice not a direction 😅 it’s been a rough year. I digress…what gets me when people give advice is, they are trying to help you make sense and not worry. But as a parent you just know. And whatever it is, without labelling, it’s clearly causing upset within the family dynamic.

I would look at redirection techniques and read up on sensory seeking. It may be ND based but ignore this for now. They won’t often assess ADHD until children are 6 anyway. That’s doesn’t mean you can’t try and work out how to alter the dynamics to an accommodate your son and make things a bit less stressful for you. The normal reward charts at. Don’t often work with children that sensory seeking and are constantly looking for a dopamine hit, because that bit isn’t fun, but they do have to learn that it’s part of life and expected to some degree.

Small steps and big hugs 🫂

@DollydaydreamTheThird he hasn’t hurt me intentionally. Not since he was a toddler anyway. It’s general boisterous behaviour, it isn’t rooted in meanness or a desire to hurt but he does stupid things like jump from the back of the sofa onto you and depending on the angle it can really hurt or what prompted this thread was him climbing up the back of the sofa and yanking my hair.

He does have some really nice qualities. He is generally kind to other children, especially his sister and she can be very annoying (said with affection!) and accommodating, let’s her take his toys and so on. He can be patient, he’s pleasant to be around generally (isn’t a whiny or grouchy child usually) but sometimes it is like he’s got a spring in him that keeps springing!

I do think he’s possibly a bit of a bad combination of bored at nursery but anxious about school too.

See how things go when he gets to school then. If there is a problem they will definitely let you know about it. You'll probably find school leaves him feeling a bit more tired than nursery. They keep them busy all day and at first they are falling asleep on the sofa when they get home. When they start proper learning like phonics and maths they are using their brains so much more.
If that doesn't work have a Google of special time where you spend 10 mins a day just the two of you doing/playing something he wants to do. Good luck in September. Hope it goes well.