Am I being a coward or sensible?

[WorkSucksIKnow]

It's a work one, doing my best to keep details wishy-washy but I'd appreciate any advice. I work in a freelance job where there is often a lot of hiring and firing - it's very competitive and while those in the know understand the nature of the game, to the outside it can look like a lot of 'failure'. I do my best not to let this rub off on me but in all honesty my self-esteem is horribly tied up in my worth at work, so you can see where this gets slippery.

A few months ago I was hired for a job that, while not the dream, would have been a big step towards it. Long story short, I just didn't have the experience to back it up and I was let go for someone more established. I was paid for my work to that point. I was gracious in defeat and expressed a keenness to learn from where I'd missed the mark, but now the employers have offered me a chat to go over it all and if I'm honest - I just don't want to.

The rejection threw me into a horrible cycle of depression - first I was adrenaline fuelled and very 'screw them, I don't need you' (in my head), then I was a weeping mess and doubting myself completely, and thinking of leaving the industry entirely (not just after this one set-back, it's been a long slog of rejection - think similar to an actor going for endless auditions). I know I asked for the feedback, but I'm not sure I can stomach having every detail of where the other person did a better job than me pointed out. I thought I was through the depression (sleeping better, working on a new project, looking forward) but I burst into tears when I got the invitation. Deep down I feel a huge failure and am embarrassed to tell my friends and family.

So my AIBU is:
YABU - you are being a coward by refusing the offer to go over the work (which might be useful and would keep you in the good books, hopefully)
or YANBU - you need to be sensible and protect your mental health, resilience won't be built by going backwards.

Also... if I say no how do I turn them down? Should I be honest or come up with something vague? Thank you so much for reading this far!

I'm so sorry and this sounds like a really challenging situation but I think you should have the feedback meeting.
It sounds like you're in a highly self-critical state and are potentially imagining worse feedback than you will actually get. A lot may be out of your control right now, and will give you good motivation for the future.

Arrange a treat/reward for yourself afterwards. Have a friend on hand to vent to. But you have nothing to lose and may gain some useful insight. HOWEVER, stay confident, stay positive and remember that it's only their opinion. Take it or leave it. You've got this!

Sounds brutal, OP. I voted yabu but the answer isn't straightforward.

If you know without doubt what you didn't do well enough then maybe there is no point.

But you've already had the big knock; if they come up with something you hadn't thought of but is addressable, or other reasons which you can dismiss, might it not be worth knowing?

Ultimately though only you know how much more you can take and whether any of it could be constructive rather than set you back further. Good luck

I think you should attend the meeting but make it clear to them in advance that you’re not up to a character annihilation and are using it as an opportunity to grow and learn.

Some random thoughts are …

You’re thinking of leaving the field entirely. The feedback may help you with that decision making.

your self criticism is shouting loudly at you that you’ll hear how great the other person was and how shit you are. And because your critical self gives you constant stream of all the reasons you’re shit at this work, it’s very very protective of that belief. Not going will make you more self critical (“I didn’t even have the guts to …”).

The fact they offered to meet to give you a debrief is amazing and shows how they value you and want to help you develop. Most freelancers are let go without any feedback at all and never realise what they are getting wrong/need to develop or change. You have enough that makes them invest time and attention in you. Giving someone this kind of debrief is not easy for them either.

dont tell anyone you’re having the meeting. Allow your self to sit with whatever comes out from it. For a few weeks at least!

take notes in the meeting as you’ll filter out the good stuff and only “hear” the critical stuff.

Don’t defend yourself in the meeting - ask for more detail of what they mean/saw, what they were looking for. What I mean is, squeeze as much learning and benefit for you from this opportunity.

if you say no, you’ve shut that door forever.

good luck.

You asked for feedback and they're offering it. I think if you intend to develop in this field (or any other, come to that), then you need to go. Try and let anything personal go over your head and steer them back to professional shortcomings. If it would help, take notes of these professional comments so you can go through them when you're in a good place. It's brutal out there atm but, unless you're done with participating, then you need to buckle up and learn from it. Good luck 💐

That they want to meet with you says they value you and want to help you get to where you want to be. That should e a massive bolster to your confidence!

There is absolutely nothing in it for them to spend time and energy on this. The only reason for them to bother is because they believe in you and think you have loads of potential.

Go in with your head high, know you are a person worth valuing (or why else would they be there?) and learn what you can from them.

Then go buy and enormous cheesecake and pig out in front of the telly while you decompress afterwards.

These responses are so incredibly helpful, thank you all so much. You've all hit the nail on the head, this is what the Mumsnet hive mind is best for! How can a bunch of strangers on the internet have such insight and say exactly what I needed someone 'in real life' to say. Thank you all so much.

I will take the meeting, head held high, and possibly print out all your wise words to refer to before and after. I definitely have form for being highly self-critical and hearing the worst of what someone is saying (or what I interpret as what they must mean, reading between invisible lines). But you're right that they wouldn't waste their time unless they meant it, and they have said very constructive and positive things that I have maybe ignored in favour of the 'bad', and only focusing on the end result of the failed project.

Honestly, thank you x 100.

Aww, what a lovely update! I wish you every success 💐

You’re lovely, OP. Best of luck x