Feeling taken for granted or am i selfish?

[Icecreamsundaee]

Hi, im 2 months pp so this could be the hormones talking. Im the first born child and daughter of 4 siblings. Brother close in age and 2 younger sisters that are such a big age gap i see them more as daughters.

I have a mum who would do anything for me and has helped me raise my children whenever i needed help. As have my sisters, lately I've been noticing im feeling so angry as i feel like i dont ask for anything yet everything is expected from me in terms of materialistic things.

I am married and we are doing ok financially, but theres a family wedding and in our culture we gift to the bride and groom. Doing that ive bought many perfumes and other items that i needed as while i was pregnant i really didn't treat myself and was unwell and just pushed through to give birth and feel better then i could get everything i needed.

I always give away my new dresses and clothes to visiting family memebers many are new with tags as i know i can rebuy these things they arent important and gift giving is my love language.

With a newborn and 2 other dc money has been tight but still managed to get everything for said family. Upon purchasing dozens of expensive perfumes my husband told me he added some for me as there was an offer and he knew id been wanting them.

Only to find out my mum and auties were planning to leave me three and take the rest, i snapped and said no those are mine. They said they thought my husband said you can take as much as u want, he did but he put mine aside and also gifted some to his friends. I was met with "what are you going to do with all of them? Anuways fine keep them. "

I was so angry i just left, but i feel like a doormat. I have realised i put everyone before myself and never look after myself to the point no one thinks about me. It was bought with my miney, dh added his money to gift me and his friends, and i get that reaction.

Am i overreacting, is this a deeper issue i should resolve with myself. Or should i pull myself together and stop being a baby. I am very hormonal lately so idk.

Side note, i bought over a dozen as a gift, dh bought a dozen and gifted some duplicates and left me roughly half a dozen. I dont even know the amount lol ive been busy shopping and looking after newborn. But apparently i just need 3 🤷

Firstly, no one needs perfume. It's a luxury.

I can understand why you would resent your family planning to take most of them but you have taught them to expect to help themselves. You've taught them to expect handouts.

It is better to wrap and label gifts, and learn to respect each others possessions.

Using gifts as your love language is fine if others in your family do the same but yours don't. I'd ease up on the gifts until your finances are less strained. Teach your family that you aren't their personal shopper.

@Meadowfinch you are right no one needs perfume, but its a luxury id like to treat myself to. I realised theres a season for everything and didn't fuss about not having makeup, perfume or clothes that fit being pp and olanned to get that after putting others needs before mine. Then having dh get them for me and they still feel entitled? And u also make a valid point, i think im angry at myself. I don't know how to undo what ive created without being a bitch. I felt bad putting my foot down saying i wanted them all, but it wasnt the perfume it was the principle.

Why are there so many perfumes? And why are you buying clothes for yourself and then giving them away? Just buy what you need for yourself (and keep it) and buy separate presents for gift giving occasions (birthdays, weddings) and stop mixing your things in with presents.

@InWalksBarberalla There are so many perfumes because in my culture we gift the bride, groom MIL etc. Thats not my issue as its normal and i was also gifted perfumes etc when i got married. This may seem wierd to you but a cultural norm for me.

In terms of me stating i gift things, i dont live in the uk and often get clothing not available there and i do give them away as gifts when i have people visit and they compliment it and i dont have time to pop out and get them one. MY choice but was just giving insight into my personality that im not materialistic and it wasnt about the perfumes just more of how i felt in that moment.

As for buying things separately, i had only asked dh to pick up the order i had placed and he then thought to get me some as a nice gesture seeing he was there anyway. He clearly stated which ones were to be gifted and which ones were mine and they were in another room. Only upon packing suitcases i heard of them planning to take more than half of mine. Hope that clears up your questions

Thanks - sounds like your family has gotten used to taking from you and not so much giving back!
You don't sound selfish at all!

Perhaps, spend the rest of this year, treating yourself to something each month that you went without during pregnancy.
Ease up on gifts for others (except specific weddings etc) and focus on you, your dh and your dcs for a while. Sometimes you need to regroup, focus on yourself and your immediate family, refresh your wardrobe, spoil yourself a little.
Then rethink how to handle family in the new year.
Going quiet for a few months may make your family realise they have gone too far.

To be honest, @IcecreamsundaeeI think only someone within your culture could understand and advise you. Do you have anyone you could talk to? Do you have woman friends?

@InWalksBarberalla thanks just trying to paint a full picture and give perspective. I just dont know why i feel icky when i set boundaries and question if i am being selfish or abrupt.

@Meadowfinch definitely sound advice, i usually do all things above but everything declined when i got pregnant and was unable to even enjoy small things in life. I love having extended family visiting, but dont know how to set boundaries or even put myself first when im hosting. Having a baby means visitors, living abroad means guests 247. Im greatful but dont know how to do anything for myself without feeling guilty.

@CurlewKate you make a valid point, but dont want to tell anyone i know as it wasn't the gifts that bothered me and i feel its distasteful. Also wanted fresh non bias eyes opinions as i could be making a meal out of nothing. Im aware of cultural differences and how it can be difficult for others to advise. I appreciate all responses though

YANBU. Your mum and aunties sound really greedy. Tell them to buy their own perfumes, dont feel bad OP. You sound like a sweet person.

Thanks @EternalLodga i dont frel sweet after having my tantrum, i saod exactly that lol. I actually bought them some for themselves without even knowing i would have some. So i dont even know why they would still want mine. And im still the one who feels bad.

Its sounds like your culture puts a lot of emphasis on gift giving and materialism as an expression of love/bonds. That must be tricky to navigate sometimes. Not to mention bloody expensive 😅

@EternalLodga lol @ bloody expensive. It can be at times, lucky i love gift giving. Just thought that was soooo cheeky, obv hormonal so struggling to let it go. But atleast hearing from u and others tells me im not throwing my toys out the pram.