To think it’s normal to feel like this?

[BlossomingBlossom]

For context - I’m mid 30s, have 3 DC, partner (not married) for 13 years. We live quite a fortunate life - not rich, not poor, but don’t overly struggle each month - nice house, nice cars, nice holidays etc. I’ve had quite a rocky life in terms of medical problems, traumatic experiences, multiple baby losses, not had the best relationships. I live an incredibly busy life; DP is self employed and usually working, I live my life around his work schedule and sacrifice any sort of social life or anything for myself because he’s working and I don’t have the childcare to do such things. I work a professional job within a hospital setting which is also hard work at times.

I constantly feel flat, exhausted, almost emotionless, demotivated unless it’s a sudden impulsive thought then I’ll sudden go full throttle and exhaust myself until I’ve achieved that thing. I am beyond drained and exhausted, every little thing is a massive struggle and drains the life out of me. Even basic tasks. I feel paralysed to do anything on my days off. I feel like it’s a struggle to push through each day. I feel like I’m a rubbish mother and not the mother I am inside or capable of being. DP is constantly moaning at me/criticising me for not showing him enough affection which is a huge problem for him - but he doesn’t understand that with how I feel, it’s not that easy to pour from an empty cup. He lacks in empathy, understanding and emotional intelligence.

I don’t see friends anymore because I feel like I’ve alienated myself from them because I’ve been so exhausted for years, it’s been a struggle to message back. I also don’t want to appear negative, moany or a burden so I’ve distanced myself. Despite having many “acquaintances” throughout life and being quite well liked throughout my school years, I constantly tell myself that people don’t like me and feel that people talk about me behind my back (I have no evidence of this). I question what there is to like about me. I feel like I don’t even have a true identity, personality or know who I am. I constantly criticise myself and everything I do. Despite being told I was attractive throughout my teens and 20s, I feel that my appearance has massively gone down hill. I hate the way I look in every sense, I’m now overweight and have issues with food. This prevents me from wanting to socialise as I can’t stand the way I look in clothes and refuse to buy new clothes. I question everything I do and say. I constantly feel that I’ve become awkward in social interactions. Despite all of this, I’m still trying my best. On the outside, on social media people would probably look at my life and think I have it all together and I’m doing well. But inside, I couldn’t feel further from that.

all of this is a massive drain on my relationship. My partner doesn’t know the true extent to how I feel, but he wouldn’t understand. My relationship is rocky. I feel that a lot of the problems come from him, but I now question how much might come from me too.

my brain is constantly racing at 100mph and never switches off.

im exhausted of all of the stress, extreme fatigue, feeling so flat and questioning every little thing that I do and say. I feel like I now have the most bland personality and I’m not gaining anything from life. I want to be achieving so much more. I want to get out there and experience so much more; but I just can’t.

AIBU to think that it’s normal to feel like this when life is so stressful and exhausting?

Or should I be thinking that there’s something else going on here?

I’m not posting for any sympathy, I just honestly don’t know if a lot of other mum’s also feel like this and it’s part of motherhood; or whether this isn’t normal and I need to seek help. And if so, in what direction?

thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so so sorry you are feeling this way. I had the same last winter and genuinely couldn’t see the point in anything couldn’t get off the sofa. Sat there crying and my husband didn’t even notice. Told him I was depressed and he just said get to doctors.

what I have done to help is exercise, even if it is a fast walk round the block if I don’t have time to go to the gym. Would you be up for trying? Exercise gets the endorphins going and has done wonders for me.

Alternatively get to the doctors. Whatever you do get some help and good luck xxx

Thank you for your response.

I know that when I have exercised in the past, it has helped my feel more positive during that day. And it is something I’d like to fit in to my daily routine, it just currently feels like another massive task to add to my daily to do list and I currently struggle to find the motivation to do it. But I do know it’ll help to an extent. Thank you for the suggestion, I’m glad that it’s helped you so much! Xx

Have you seen your GP to get your bloods tested because other than you quite obviously being depressed from what you've said, you should get your thyroid checked because that level of fatigue isn't normal. Hope you get some good advice on here😊

No this isn't normal OP - I think you need to speak to a GP or counsellor 💐

Please go talk to your doctor - they will be able to help you.

Probably you're finding that everything is compounding and things are getting worse, asking for help will put you in a better place so you can start getting better. You don't need to hit absolute rock bottom to deserve help, you deserve and need it now 💐

I feel like I could have wrote this post! Unfortunately I do not have any answers but hope you get some. I am on anti depressants, anxiety meds and do exercise and feel exactly like this.

Brilliant advice
Raising a family and all that involves and being in a relationship is totally exhausting and time consuming. But you shouldn't be feeling as low as you are OP
Take care

I’d second gp and be open to really explore how you’re feeling with them, be honest.

We’re All different but I have been where you are and antidepressants and treating vit d deficiency helped - after a while I was able to start making other positive steps.

small steps initially such as:
lucy wynwood reed does a 5 minute wake up walking routine on YouTube I found this helped and then built on that , carving out some me time, being clear with dp about what I need was easier once I could figure out what it was myself

you do matter and you do deserve to feel happy and relaxed some of the time!! Motherhood is awesome and also brutal but it isn’t all we are.

massive hugs

I do think it's common for someone with work and family pressures, but that's not the same as 'normal'.

Start with your gp incase it's a treatable medical issue, if not think about what you need and how you can get it - you appear to be financially fine so could probably drop some hours (you or dh) or pay someone to give you extra time if it's a time issue.

Go to the GP Op you don’t have to suffer like this.

I have felt similar in the past and what helped me was really full on exercise where I literally cannot think of anything other than keeping breathing and pushing on, it also exhausts me to allow sleep. If I miss the gym for a few days I can feel it creeping back in.

So exercise if you can for sure but see the GP first there could be any number of reasons behind how you are feeling.

I had this. Turned out I was unbelievably anaemic. Get the go to do some bloods and see if it’s something like that. It’s unreal how that sort of thing can make you feel !

No it’s not normal.

go to Gp get bloods checked. Could be iron, vit D, vit b12 there are a lot of common deficiencies that will make you feel very tired.

you can start taking multivitamins while you wait but if you are deficient in anything then the GP can prescribe much stronger ones.

could also be thyroid or other issues.

I'd see my GP and get signed off with stress. A good rest is what you need along with anti depressants. They do help. And unloading to someone helps too. You do have a very busy life, don't be so hard on yourself I'm sure you're doing a great job but you just can't see it at the minute.

Grief and burnout.

Untreated ADHD (RSD)

Thyroid or a deficiency - homozygous MTHFR causes all these symptoms and requires methylfolate (and likely methylcobalamin, choline and magnesium).

Or a mix of all these things.

You do have lots of lovely things to be very grateful for in life, but you're struggling and deserve to find the right support to be able to enjoy them. I'm in the trenches with a lot of the same issues as you and others (and 30k down on fertility treatment trying to create the family you have), but taking the right things has helped me enormously despite my situation being objectively shit.

How's your GI system? Headaches? Bad periods? Sore joints or muscle pain? Poor sleep quality?

I hope you find the right thing for you. A trip to the GP and don't just accept an SSRI, make sure you get bloods to rule out any other issues. Perimenopause can start early for some women and it also causes a similar unravelling of life without HRT. Checking your FSH could give an idea if that's a contributing factor.

The more isolated you become, the more socially anxious people tend to get.

A few things you said made me think ADHD- racing mind, being paralysed on days off, demotivated until you get a sudden impulsive thought. Although could also be other things.

But look into the symptoms in case it could be.

Im going to go slightly against the grain

With a busy job, 3 dc, an unsupportive, critical emotionally unavailable husband, no time to see your friends or have time to yourself, no time to excercise then I would say its relatively normal to feel as you do. It's certainly not surprising

Where is your support system? It's not your husband, you say you've distanced yourself from your friends? What time do you get for yourself?

However it's not right or a good way to live life, and doesn't mean you shouldn't seek support. Firstly yes see your GP to check there's no underlying cause for your symptoms (although again fatigue with the above combination isn't suprising). You do sound very stressed and depressed, which again your GP can help with. Do you have family you could speak to?

Not normal. I am a mother of 3 (sahm so no job which I think is exhausting you). I have the husband nagging for more affection but other than that no similarities to your feelings at all.

Im sorry you are going through this. I think you’ve had some really good advice above

along with PP advice about getting to the GP which is definitely right - would you feel able to show your original post to your partner? it's very well written and clearly lays out your feelings. of course only do this if you feel he would be receptive/supportive

Definitely this. It's completely understandable that you would feel this way when you don't have a life of your own - you don't have any space to recognise let alone meet your own needs. Your partner needs to step up and be a partner so that you don't have to erase yourself to take care of everyone else.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling the same. Have you found the meds have helped?

I was prescribed an SSRI a few years ago but it made me feel so dissociated that I couldn’t take it after persevering for about a month. So I always just assumed that they weren’t for me. Maybe I should try another type?

I hope the answers here help you too. Take care of yourself x

"medical problems, traumatic experiences, multiple baby losses, not had the best relationships. I live an incredibly busy life; DP is self employed and usually working, I live my life around his work schedule and sacrifice any sort of social life or anything for myself because he’s working and I don’t have the childcare" - no wonder you feel terrible, OP. This is existing, not really living, nobody can go through all this without it taking a huge toll. I glad you've posted because it suggests you're reaching a point where you know something has to change. Who can you talk to irl?

How old are your kids OP? And are you a doctor? I’m a GP. This sounds like possible depression or burnout or both to me. Also some of the things you’ve said make me wonder whether you might have underlying undiagnosed autism or ADHD. I agree with a pp that you sound socially isolated which is part of a vicious cycle in depression or burnout.

I agree some bloods are worth doing but also I wonder if a short period of sick leave would be helpful, plus or minus a trial of antidepressants and some counselling. It’s also worth doing screening questionnaires for adult autism and ADHD - like the AQ50 test and ASRS test which can be found online and then discuss the results with your GP. In the long term it sounds like you need to try to build up your social network but that will of course take time.

I understand this; it would probably do me some good too. I just worry about going “absolutely full on” with it because I’m already so exhausted, but it often has the opposite effect for most people doesn’t it - giving more energy.

I’m glad it’s helping you 😊

Thank you. I’m always running as “mildly anaemic” - I’m just below the lower threshold. So it’s probably not helping but I imagine not the sole cause for me perhaps?

As others have said, you have a LOT going on so no wonder you feel this way.

I also second speaking to GP, checking out potential physical causes of fatigue. If you’re usually borderline anemic that could certainly be contributing. Can you take an iron supplement ? You could try Spatone, or you could ask GP to prescribe (take with Vitamin C to help absorption!),

having said which the emotional side would be enough to make anyone feel ill to be honest. I find feeling disconnected from my partner permeates into the rest of my life, negatively.

I commented mainly to say: just because you didn’t get on with one SSRI doesn’t mean you can’t find a different one which suits you. It could be worth trying. It won’t be a silver bullet , but it could help you, give you a little breathing space and help you start making other changes in your life.

finally: as a late diagnosed ADHD, a lot of what you describe resonates. I second what the helpful GP said outbreaks, checking out the questionnaires onlinez

all the best