Would you expect DP to help more in this scenario?

[ellie09]

I have a DS who is 8 and ASD (moderate needs so needs some supervision throughout the day)

I WFH and have a fairly flexible job - as long as the work is done, they dont mind when it is done. This means during the summer I will log in early, and log off late as I take more regular breaks throughout the day.

DS isnt DPs biological child but we all live in the same house.

DP has today off work.

No particular plans, he just wants to chill a bit, and obviously, I expect him to.

However, DS has been particularly difficult today and demanding. Wants someone to help with xyz etc.

However, all day, I have been responding to DS every time. I have been trying to work and go on calls, but its been really difficult. DP has been in his office space gaming for most of the day and complaining about DS asking questions, asking for help etc and os redirecting him to me!

AIBU to think that he should be helping out at least a bit in the periods of time when I am working?

Or I am being unreasonable, because ultimately, my DS is my responsibility?

I think in an ideal world you would want support, but it depends on what their relationship is like. Does he usually perform caring or parental duties? How long have you all been living together? He is a de facto dad?

What would your DS be doing if your DP didn't have the day off and was at work?

I don't think you can expect him to book a day off and then spend it babysitting your son, unless it was specifically booked off for that purpose.

I agree with this.

And I also think if you’re fine not using childcare day to day during the holidays, it’s a bit unreasonable to expect your DP to then take on the childcare role on his day off, because you’ve decided actually you do need help.

You need to arrange appropriate childcare. You are being disrupted by dc in your meetings - what would you do if dp wasn't at home?

What's your plan for the summer break? In reality no employer is going to be happy with you fitting in a full day of work AS WELL AS looking after dc, unless it's a short term arrangement for illness etc.

Just for clarity, DS usually is minded by grandparents or childminder - Monday is the only day where it is difficult.

If DP wasnt in the house, I just need to crack on, but I make it known that I wont be able to help him between certain times (he has a clock etc for reference and plays Minecraft etc).

He knows DP is off today, so he is being a bit more demanding for attention from him, but then its falling back to me.

He set up a pool in the garden (albeit he's a great swimmer and only an inch or so of water), then went upstairs to game, left DS outside, so then I had to go outside and sit for an hour supervising with that.

I wouldnt have set him up in the pool, on a normal day, if I knew it would just be me supervising.

OP you lost me at "space gaming most of the day". It shouldnt matter that he isnt your DS's dad. He is your partner, you all live in the same house together and presumably has some care/feelings for the child. You are either in it together or you are not. His behaviour would be a hard no from me.

How long have you been with DP?

If it is a new ish relationship then DP won't be used to being a parental figure and I wouldnt expect them to be. However he shouldn't be making your life harder, like the pool fiasco. And he should still be civil to your son at the very least not ignoring him.

You need to pay for appropriate childcare on Mondays.

I agree with this

This is how I sort of feel also

So, if we were hypothetically to have our own child, would he then need to pull his weight for one child whilst then ignoring the needs of another?

I dont really expect too much - but making DS's lunch for him or helping him with drinks or supervising at the pool for half an hour out of an 8 hour day, would have been really helpful!

My work are aware I work flexible and are happy with it. I get up an hour earlier to get stuff done, take an hour in the morning to go to park, then an hour 1pm-2pm for lunch where we go to the park or a walk. I then work about an hour later in the evenings when DS is more "settled".

In between my breaks, he is quite easy to deal with. You get an odd request to help with his game, or get him some food, which takes less than 5 mins to do.

In an ideal world he would have realised your working and stepped up. However he didn't so perhaps going forward you have a discussion with dp the night before and ask him to watch dc say couple hours in morning and afternoon and could he make lunch. Clear communication gets everyone on the same page without resentment building up