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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel a bit off by friend's behaviour

17 replies

Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 12:02

My friend and I had agreed to meet for lunch on Sunday. Lots of places were booked up already so I suggested that I made lunch for us but perhaps we could go for coffee/pudding to a local outdoor café (there's loads near me). I made a two course lunch and then we headed out. She hadn't brought anything for lunch although had offered. When we got to the cafe counter she ordered an ice cream and I did the same. The person serving asked for payment and she said "go ahead" which I took as meaning I could pay for mine, but the server had rung both together and then said the total amount clearly and my friend didn't offer. I felt really awkward but asked him to split the bill because I sort of felt it was off for me to make lunch and pay for the ice creams. Should I have paid for both ice cream as part of the lunch ? If it were the other way around I would definitely have paid for both no question. Money isn't an issue for her at all. It was also a thoughtful lunch, not something thrown together. It doesn't quite sit right with me.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 14/07/2025 12:07

I guess at that very moment I would have paid, but I also might have looked at my friend and said ‘oh I thought the dessert was on you’.
However. She did offer to bring something and you refused. It was your idea to go out for dessert. So maybe she thought you were covering that too.
However point 2: if the initial plan was to go out to eat and you normally split the bill, then she should have paid for the desserts.
With me and my friends we either split or take turns paying.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 12:59

mondaytosunday · 14/07/2025 12:07

I guess at that very moment I would have paid, but I also might have looked at my friend and said ‘oh I thought the dessert was on you’.
However. She did offer to bring something and you refused. It was your idea to go out for dessert. So maybe she thought you were covering that too.
However point 2: if the initial plan was to go out to eat and you normally split the bill, then she should have paid for the desserts.
With me and my friends we either split or take turns paying.

We would usually split the bill, so had we gone out for lunch the bill would have been split between us. It was my suggestion to go out for dessert just because it's quite fun and made up for the "not going out for lunch" but it was agreed when we decided upon lunch at my place and one place where we could get a booking my friend wasn't keen on, and that's fine.

OP posts:
Visun · 14/07/2025 13:04

If my friend cooked me a 2 course lunch of course I would pay for the ice creams. She's a CF. Next time remind her it's her turn to treat

Hazelsticksandwillow777 · 14/07/2025 13:13

YANBU at all op!

Having enjoyed a lovely two course lunch at your place that you had taken the time and trouble to prepare, I definitely would NOT have been looking to you to pay for my ice cream! That’s really rude behaviour in my book! I would have immediately offered to pay for yours as well. To me, that’s just basic manners, and I would have done that had I brought you some flowers or biscuits as a present too.

Surely most reasonable people understand that there is a degree of natural reciprocity that comes with these arrangements.

If a friend picks you up at the airport, rather than you having to shell out for a taxi, then you bring them a present from holiday and offer to do the same for them, or you invite them out for a thank you drink over the next week or so.

It’s just basic politeness and your friend has no excuse at all when you usually split the price of lunch! I think she was really cheeky op!

Hazelsticksandwillow777 · 14/07/2025 13:16

I meant to add, if she was particularly short of money at that point, she shouldn’t have agreed to come out, or suggested meeting for a walk or for coffee instead. And if she didn’t want to pay for ice cream for some reason, then she should have declined the invitation and thanked you and feigned an early afternoon appointment elsewhere.

It still would have been rude to turn up to a home cooked lunch empty-handed! You can ask if the host would like you to bring something specific to help out, but I think you should still bring something!

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 14:16

I felt a bit disappointed tbh. It just made the evening feel a bit awkward for me and a bit unappreciated. The other strange thing is that one of the restaurants that she had suggested really was an £80 per head place. Perhaps it just wasn't an issue at all to her.

OP posts:
Crankyaboutfood · 14/07/2025 14:19

What is she usually like? Could she have just been a flake for a moment?

KimberleyClark · 14/07/2025 14:20

She sounds like a CF. I would have insisted on paying for dessert if my friend had cooked me a two course lunch.

honeylulu · 14/07/2025 14:29

That's awful of her.
Has she done anything like this before? I've known people like this and it's usually a pattern. People who are happy to take from you when you're offering but split right down the middle if you're not!

If not then maybe she was on autopilot and just did the split as usual rather than thinking about the context. I would love to say I would have breezily said "oh you can get this as I covered lunch" but I probably wouldn't have reacted in time.

Hazelsticksandwillow777 · 14/07/2025 18:06

Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 14:16

I felt a bit disappointed tbh. It just made the evening feel a bit awkward for me and a bit unappreciated. The other strange thing is that one of the restaurants that she had suggested really was an £80 per head place. Perhaps it just wasn't an issue at all to her.

Has she behaved like this before?

pushthebuttonnn · 14/07/2025 18:23

Bad form really. She sounds selfishly stingy in that she'll only spend on things that benefit her and her only.

Dotto · 14/07/2025 18:29

I wouldn't jump to conclusions if this was a one-off. Put it down to benign thoughtlessness.

Perhaps you like her less than you thought you did, if you're finding yourself starting to keep score?

OurBeautifulBaby · 14/07/2025 18:31

You suggested it so maybe they thought it was your treat.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 19:27

OurBeautifulBaby · 14/07/2025 18:31

You suggested it so maybe they thought it was your treat.

A possibility but I quite often suggest meeting up for various things and no one else assumes it's my treat...unless I actually say "it's my treat" or "it's on me"...but more to the point I think the norm would be to at least offer to pay...

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 19:32

Dotto · 14/07/2025 18:29

I wouldn't jump to conclusions if this was a one-off. Put it down to benign thoughtlessness.

Perhaps you like her less than you thought you did, if you're finding yourself starting to keep score?

I think it's probably thoughtless or her going into auto pilot to be honest.

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 14/07/2025 19:38

You need to be a little more assertive OP.
Even just a smile and a nod would have conveyed to her " you can pay for this, since I cooked lunch, okay friend".

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 14/07/2025 19:49

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 14/07/2025 19:38

You need to be a little more assertive OP.
Even just a smile and a nod would have conveyed to her " you can pay for this, since I cooked lunch, okay friend".

You are absolutely right.

OP posts:
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