To not send him videos?

[SweetLikeCandy10]

I separated from my partner and father of my children 6 months ago. He says he wants to see if we can sort things, by this I want family days out, where as I think he thinks it comes with an expectation of sex.

He’s away at the moment so I went yesterday with our son to our family home (where he’s living, we’ve moved out) to feed the cat etc and DS had a play in his old bedroom. Ex partner keeps harassing me to send explicit videos and photos - he bought me a sex toy before we split (which doesn’t interest me) and he was messaging saying “while you’re there send me a video of you using that purple thing it’s under the bed” I said I’ve got DS with me amongst many other reasons no!

He then text and by that time I was back at home which is only 5 mins away. He said “you soon got home it’s always an excuse there’s no way you got home that quick and now you will say you’re not alone so can’t send anything”

I went off the handle a bit and said no I am not being accused of lying and no, you are not getting any photos, any videos, nothing. The answer is no, I don’t need to make an excuse!

I’ve not heard from him since. Was I out of order?

NEVER send explicit videos or pictures - you have no idea where they'll end up or who will see them. He sounds like an absolute arse anyway - definitely don't send him anything of that nature. He's disgusting. And not respecting your boundaries.

No fucking hell what a twat. I think you need to be incredibly clear about your boundaries.

The fact you are questioning this is an indication he still has a strong hold on you.
No way should you ever ever send explicit pix or videos even to someone you are currently in a loving relationship with, let alone an ex!

What a sleaze.
Stay separated.

To misquote my father “all the reasons he’s an ex are still there and there are a few more, besides “.

Create an email address for him only or get one of those joint parenting apps and communicate through that only. Never, ever reply to anything that isn’t about your child. Never, ever, ever reply to anything that might be sexual.

He’s horrible.

I wouldn't be responding to any of his sexual messages, stay separated and work on your self esteem, this man is vile.

You need to be clear about the current situation because it all sounds muddled and messy. If you have separated, then separate. That means he is responsible for his home and everything in it, like pet sitting. If he's going away, he makes arrangments which don't involve you. You need to forget about family days out - it's giving him mixed messages and probably your son too. Agree regular visitation and stick to that. Tell him thatyou will communicate about son/finances etc but nothing else. Do you want to work things out, or is this a permanent split as far as you're concerned? Your ex is a twat, but I can understand the mixed messages.

This, he sounds actually disgusting and like he's having real trouble respecting you. If he reacts badly to the realisation you are actually done with him then he'd have all he needs to generate revenge porn or blackmail you. Never ever, ever leave yourself vulnerable in that way.

I think op you need to really think about what your expectations of this are. Do you think this is someone you're going to rekindle things with (from the way he's speaking to you I can't imagine why you would tbh), if not then you need to send him the message loud and clear that your relationship is completely over with and you only have interest in communicating regarding the kids. I think expecting this guy to participate respectfully in family days out is too much - it doesn't sound like he's going to do that so you need to rethink what this looks like going forwards.

What I would maybe do as a last ditch attempt is to suggest mediation with a neutral third party there where you can explicitly explain that you are done with the relationship and that any further sexual messages are just going to be seen as harassment and you won't tolerate it. But op you probably need to be more direct. Your son being there isn't the reason not to send him stuff, the fact you're seperated and you've left the relationship is enough. Giving him excuses like oh ds is here or there's not enough time etc is just pandering to him and actually leaving a window open even if the door is shut. So be firm and clear. If you're scared of his reaction then log it with police. He doesn't get to have this access to you now you're seperated.

If he sends further explicit messages, I would send one message in response detailing clearly that the relationship is over and that you don't want to receive messages of this nature from him in future and you won't tolerate it or respond to messages like that in future. Screenshot it so you have written evidence that you've stated this clearly to him incase you need evidence for police or solicitor in future. Then hold your boundaries and don't reply to anything else but document it. He's harassing you and it could be seen as abusive. Stand firm.

I understand wanting to create the best possible family dynamics for your kids, but it can only be as good as he is prepared to behave so adjust your expectations accordingly.

Just communicate with him by parenting app. Then it's all documented in a court-approved format.
He only needs to communicate about parenting. No need to do him favours helping out with his property or animals.

For goodness sake ... cut yourself off from this idiot.

I don’t know that you should never send explicit videos to someone you are in a meaningful relationship with, more so if it’s long term, though obviously any relationship can end, sending them to someone you’ve split up with though, absolutely not

Never send explicit pics or videos.

I used to work in a secondary school. I recall a teenager who was badgered into sending her boyfriend a topless photo. It finished up on every single phone in the school population.

As soon as you send one of those photos, you've lost all control of it.

He doesn’t seem to have grasped that your relationship is over. As.others have said using a coparenting app should make it clearer for him.

Have you started the divorce process yet?