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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude MIL?

27 replies

ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 10:25

SIL away for long weekend, so asked us to call in on MIL while she's away.
She has carers and other family members were organising her meals.

So, yesterday we made 1 hour round trip, when we walked in she was pottering in the kitchen. Handbag and gift bag by front door

She immediately said to DH "I'm going out, I'll speak to you later" very abrupt.

Apparently GD was collecting her to visit other GD on her birthday. But surely she could have let us stay for chat until GD arrived.

I rarely visit as she's been rude on more than one occasion. DH calls at least twice a week.

AIBU? My family would never behave like this

OP posts:
Iwontlethtesungodownonme · 14/07/2025 10:26

Did she know you were coming?

Arlanymor · 14/07/2025 10:28

Did you drop in unexpectedly? Or was this just a conversation between you and your DH and SIL?

Original poster
ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 10:28

No she didn't.
But we were only popping in

OP posts:
Original poster
ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 10:30

My DH calls in when he can, work permitting, he doesn't usually tell her he's going

OP posts:
SriouslyWhutNow · 14/07/2025 10:33

This is why you need to ask people in advance whether a visit would be convenient. It's rude to just turn up at people's houses unexpectedly, and as you've learned, sometimes they have plans and can't host you. Especially on the weekends when people are more likely to be busy.
I do have to question what support you think you're giving though, given that you seem to want her to give you her time and energy rather than the other way around.

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 14/07/2025 10:34

You were rude first by just showing up.

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 14/07/2025 10:44

So you showed up at her house unexpected and are annoyed that she already had other plans?

Original poster
ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 10:57

No, you have misunderstood!

We popped in, as requested by SIL.
We were not, in anyway annoyed she had plans for the day, better that than sitting on her own all

But as I said we were just popping in, no expectations of tea and biscuits, just a quick chat. The GD hadn't arrived so just expected a quick Hello

Obviously I am being unreasonable

It's not how my own family would behave but heyho we're obviously strange lol

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 14/07/2025 10:59

@ByLemonFish
Your H and his sister need to actually communicate, since MIL is their mother, and presumably they are both are involved with their mother. As you mentioned - she has carers and people are organising her meals.
Clearly - she does need a lot of help.

You seem to not quite understand what it means to get old, and what older people are like. They can appear rude - but a lot of it is not in their control - their minds/personality changes, and they become more emotional and less able on many dimensions.

Her plans with her GD must have been the highlight of her weekend, with her daughter being away. You appeared unexpectedly.

She was not particularly rude. You both could have said - we’ll wait until GD arrives to say hi to her….

But you clearly don't like her - so chose to interpret it all as directed at you, somehow.
Leave H to do the visits.

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 14/07/2025 10:59

You should of called first. Yabu.

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 10:59

You dropped in without calling her to see if it was a good time?

Um. She wasn't rude. You guys were.

She had plans.

You are unreasonable.

AmyDudley · 14/07/2025 11:00

So because she's old and has carers, you think she doesn;t have a life? You turn up unexpectedly when she's about to go out, of course she's going to be miffed, she's probably fed up of the fact that her independence is ebbing away and people have stopped seeing her as someone who has the right to basic courtesy.
Next time ring her to say you are coming and don't be so rude as to turn up out of the blue and expect her to drop everything for you.

More fool you to make a 1 hr trip without checking - would you have done that to anyone else. or is it just her who is expected to just sit and wait for visitors to bestow their presence on her?

You need to check yourself on the old rudeometer.

Cabinqueen · 14/07/2025 11:01

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 14/07/2025 10:44

So you showed up at her house unexpected and are annoyed that she already had other plans?

This...

Another unwarranted MIL bashing thread...🙄 A five minute call would have saved you the one hour round trip and your apparent annoyance.

Original poster
ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 11:01

SriouslyWhutNow · 14/07/2025 10:33

This is why you need to ask people in advance whether a visit would be convenient. It's rude to just turn up at people's houses unexpectedly, and as you've learned, sometimes they have plans and can't host you. Especially on the weekends when people are more likely to be busy.
I do have to question what support you think you're giving though, given that you seem to want her to give you her time and energy rather than the other way around.

I wasn't looking to be hosted as I've said

Just a quick chat.

In answer to your question my DH offers lots of support, he's there today doing odd jobs for her. I'm certainly not looking for her time and energy just some good manners

OP posts:
Okdaisy · 14/07/2025 11:03

YABU to make a 1 hour round trip without checking if she had plans.

Original poster
ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 11:04

Clearly I'm in the wrong

Thank you for replies

I'm just thankful my own family don't feel they have to make an appointment to visit

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 14/07/2025 11:04

You don't go often and when you do, you turn up unexpectedly when she is going out. If she doesn't have many visitors it would be really annoying to be 'double booked' like that when another day she would have appreciated the company.

myplace · 14/07/2025 11:07

You can’t really blame her for travelling an hour to see her when she didn’t know you were!

And when you are old, socialising can be tiring. It’s a double edged sword, you like the distraction and company, but too much and suddenly you are overtired.

She probably had many bored and lonely moments that she’d have been thrilled to see you. Just not that one.

Octonaut4Life · 14/07/2025 11:09

It's so weird to drive somewhere an hour round trip away without even checking if the person is going to be in.

GoldDuster · 14/07/2025 11:18

ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 11:04

Clearly I'm in the wrong

Thank you for replies

I'm just thankful my own family don't feel they have to make an appointment to visit

I think you're looking for bother. She's not your family, why would she be like your family?

She was going out, and if she'd have left ten minutes early she'd have already been out when you got there, so I really don't see your point on this. If it's her rudeness, maybe she's not very keen on you and DH? Who knows.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/07/2025 11:20

Octonaut4Life · 14/07/2025 11:09

It's so weird to drive somewhere an hour round trip away without even checking if the person is going to be in.

This. Why would you do that?

MrsFeljne · 14/07/2025 11:27

If she didn’t know you were coming and you hadn’t agreed a convenient time with her then YABU.

She already had plans, why should she drop those to accommodate you when you hadn’t even told her you were coming by?

ConShine · 14/07/2025 11:31

ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 11:04

Clearly I'm in the wrong

Thank you for replies

I'm just thankful my own family don't feel they have to make an appointment to visit

Right, this is passive aggressive shite.

The vast majority of people think it's rude to just turn up at someone's home unannounced, like you're assuming they couldn't possibly have anything better to do than sit at home.

Not only is it rude, but it's incredibly silly if you're making an hour round trip.

Now as your family seem to be fine with this sort of behaviour, you're perfectly free to feel 'thankful' for that, but I certainly wouldn't be.

It takes seconds to let someone know you intend to visit them.

Lkhhhhfgyggghg · 14/07/2025 11:34

ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 11:04

Clearly I'm in the wrong

Thank you for replies

I'm just thankful my own family don't feel they have to make an appointment to visit

So what happens if you turn up unexpectantly at your family’s house and they are on their way out?

She told you her plans when you are arrived. Maybe she didn’t know you had an expected script of what people should say/do in those circumstances.

BlueandPinkSwan · 14/07/2025 11:48

ByLemonFish · 14/07/2025 11:04

Clearly I'm in the wrong

Thank you for replies

I'm just thankful my own family don't feel they have to make an appointment to visit

PA or what? 😄Everyone does things differently, I wouldn't stay at home on the off chance someone might turn up unannounced, I have a life outside my home.
What is wrong with phoning or texting to let someone know you are in the locality or want to drop by for a chat?

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