To think this is unusual

[Wiseplumant]

I have been married to my DH for 25 years and although we have had a few ups and downs we are happy. He is faithful ( afaik!) , caring and would do anything for me. He is quite shy and doesn't think a lot of himself, probably one of the least egotistical people I have ever come across. This is my aibu, We have never had a conversation about our pasts, ( mine was quite colourful in parts) When we were first together I initiated a conversation about previous relationships and he closed it down immediately. All I know about his previous relationships is that he was engaged to someone for 2 years , but they split due to her infidelity. I don't want to go on and on about my past, but surely it is part of what shaped me, it's not that he lacks curiosity in me, he always asks how my day has been etc, but I keep my inner most thoughts to myself and I think this has always caused distance between us , which sometimes makes me feel lonely. Has anyone else had this experience? Or is it quite normal to tell your partner things about your past. For instance he doesn't know that I had a termination at 19.

I would count your blessings, he is the way he is. Uncontrolling and happy to leave the past behind.

If you really need to talk about your past and issues such as your termination couldn't you talk to a close friend or pay for counselling.?

If not opening up about your pasts to each other was a problem for you surely you should have dealt with this 25 years ago? Raising it now after all these years of a relatively stable and relatively happy marriage seems like a recipe for disaster. You could end up totally derailing what you have.

Rather than focusing on events that happened over 25 years ago would your energy not be more productively spent concentrating on the here and now?

He is curious about your days now but you keep you inner most thoughts to myself and this creates distance between you that sometimes makes you feel lonely.

Can you not forget the distant past for a while and focus on putting this bit right. Be in the present, the here and now, and share that fully with him. If you build a connection based on the events of your present maybe talking about the past will flow naturally in time. Or maybe discussing it won't matter so much to you anymore.

"One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today." - Dale Carnegie

Don’t rock the boat. He sounds lovely and there really isn’t any need to drag up the past. Your lives together started when you met. Talk about memories you’ve made together and leave your pre relationship past where it belongs.

So he shut down a conversation about your past relationships 25 years ago (wise of him - almost always a terrible idea) and you've just never mentioned anything from before you knew him since? No childhood memories or stories about your parents/siblings/primary school friends? Don't you still know anyone from before you knew him that you reminsice with? Or is it just past romantic relarionships that you don't discuss? And why has that led to you keeping your innermost thoughts to yourself - do you mean thoughts about your past or about everything?

What do you mean by talking about the past- he knows nothing about your life, friends etc before him, or just not about past relationships?

I’d think it a bit odd if you’d never spoke about any aspect of life before meeting but I think it’s actually very healthy to leave past relationships where they belong- in the past. Nothing good tends to come of those chats anyway.

Your innermost thoughts and your past are two different things, I tend to think the past should stay there unless it’s causing problems in the here and now, eg unresolved trauma. Your innermost thoughts now are something you want to share - if you’ve not done this over 25 years of marriage it’ll be a change to do so now, and he may need time and help from you to know how you want him to respond.

I think the way relationships are portrayed in the media give this idea that our partner needs to know everything about us and share our deepest thoughts, but that’s not always a good or reasonable expectation to have. No one person can meet all our needs.

I think a general curiosity is important and he seems to have this?
But if you want a detailed conversation about your body count or exploits then that’s a recipe for disaster. Why on earth would you want to discuss your past with someone you’ve been with for this long? Live in the present.

Been with my DH 15yrs and we’ve never talked about our past relationships. He isn’t interested and thinks it’s irrelevant. I was probably more curious, being the more insecure of the two of us, but now I never think about it.

Though you say ‘your innermost thoughts’ which I would think is a different area? I do share these with my DH and he with me, but they aren’t connected to past relationships.

Everyone has a past. I don’t really know about dh’s full past, and he doesn’t know about mine. It’s not that it’s a secret as such, it’s just not relevant.

My DH lived with someone before we got together, I think. I have zero interest in his previous relationships. Doesn't even occur to me to ask.

I had a busy twenties, shall I say. He hasn't really asked me about that either.

ETA: We have been together 20 years. He knows more about my past because he knows some of my exes. I know none of his, don't have the slightest interest in findig out more.

My partner doesn't know I had a termination either. Why would I tell him? I'm not ashamed of it and I've never doubted or regretted it but what would that conversation go like?

He knows I was raped but he doesn't know the details. He doesn't need to.

He knows nothing of my past sexual experiences as I'm assuming that's what you mean by past relationships other than, "Mike and I went to Kew Gardens on our first date." Why would he be interested in either?

I'm not interested in his past relationships either. In any capacity. We shared a bit of basic info about our marriages and how/Why they ended but beyond that. Nothing.

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate them and it has given me food for thought and sorry I didn't reply sooner, work crisis to deal with! I do have friends to reminisce with. That we should expect our partners to know our innermost thoughts and be everything to each other is a wise observation and that expectation as you said is quite a modern concept. We are both quite private people so I can't really blame him for not knowing my inner most thoughts 😊.