....to think women find having babies harder now?

[PollyHutchen]

Partly I am talking about giving birth.
Partly I am talking about the experience of getting used to looking after a baby, while also gradually finding ways to carry on with other bits of one's life. And managing to hang onto some sense of well-being despite all the upheaval.

I think there has been a big shift in recent years but I am trying to work out why.

This: long before I had my own baby I had changed 100's of nappies and held 10s of newborns. I had watched my mother, her friends and my aunts breastfeed. I think this is partly a luck thing ( 10 cousins lived within walking distance) and partly a class thing. My MIL in contrast (age 80) had never held a baby until her own and freely admits she didn't have a clue.

I lived on a modern 60s built housing estate, with 3 bedroom detached houses and some bungalows. Families could afford their house on one salary and have a reasonable standard of living. Women didn’t need to work. My mother and the neighbours spent half their time, having coffees and lunches with each other.

I’d say my grammar school was in an even more affluent village, with an intake from villages all over the county, and the estate where I lived, part of the county town. They prided themselves, as being the foremost grammar school in the county. I never know why working mothers go on about being good role models for their DC. At my school, most girls were expected to go to university, without question - and especially do sciences. We got all the encouragement and role models, we needed at school!

I made a similar point upthread about life being so much better for child-free women now. I wonder if there is any way to bridge the gap between a fantastic life pre-kids where you spend your 20s and 30s travelling the world, partying, going to festivals, taking career risks, dedicating time to self-care and exercise & fitness, pursuing hobbies (literally the life I and my friends lead in our mid to late 30s), and the drudgery of raising children? There are obvious things like only having one child (I’ve told DP this is non-negotiable if we go down the baby route) and living near family, but what other things help? Like is it actually any easier with a nanny vs nursery? That would take care of a sick child being sent home every 5 minutes at nursery, but it doesn’t seem to alleviate any other pressures. I’m just wondering out loud.

If you can buy in support it must help. Having a nursery place meant we had reliable childcare and support in place (nursery was a great place for advice and reassurance!). Child was rarely ill so we didn’t really have the sick child can’t go to nursery situation. I do feel that, when they’re ill, they do need one of their parents around, so having employers who support that helps too.

If I’d known maternity nurses existed and had the money I’d have paid for one of them. Having someone around who knew what they were doing would have made the first few weeks of parenthood much easier, especially as the community midwives/HV were fairly useless. The sort of support probably provided by reliable extended family once upon a time. That would have avoided no end of problems, a hospital readmission (thanks for that, useless midwife) and been much better for my mental health.

Building a good friendship network makes a difference. It took us a while to form those relationships and find our tribe, but having someone to chat to about the ups and downs, or who can look after your child in an emergency really helped. Again, the sort of stuff once provided by extended family.

Also, ad hoc childcare existing. Having someone you can safely leave your child with whilst you go to a dental or medical appointment.
The leisure centre opening a crèche was another thing that really helped. Being able to join an exercise class or have a childfree swim is great for mental health.

But again, those things come down to money and availability.

I think childcare and part time working are factors too. I was born in the early 1980s and most women, according to my mother (professional role) didn’t go back after babies - and it was virtually unheard of to work part time in that kind of role. By the early 1990s, in her circles, most women did go back and part time was more likely to be an option. I remember most of my teachers coming back somewhere between 3 and 6 months after having babies, and often coming back full time in the mid 1990s.

We have more options now, and more to consider, so there is much more pressure to make the “right” decision. How can you not, when you have all this information? Expand that to cover every possible parenting dilemma and you can see why mothers are stressed!

Indirectly, I’d also blame property prices, especially in the SE - the lifestyle available to professional couples in the 1990s is simply not available, in most cases, to couples in equivalent roles today. My parents could have borrowed their first mortgage on the basis of one salary in the 1970s. No way could we have done that.

Ultimately, whoever said having it all has become doing it all is quite right. And expectations have changed. (I’m sure my mother didn’t have to fish 15-20 letters per child out of each book bag each week.)