Not good enough parenting

[Zoono]

I feel like, I've really messed up. I'm a single parent to a toddler and in general I'm very attentive and protective of dd ( hovering over her in the playground, constant suncream, completely toddler proofed home, never left for a moment alone in bath etc) but today we went swimming just the two of us for the first time. It was an. unfamiliar pool and despite watching my DD constantly and staying close she managed within a few seconds to climb out of the toddler section and tried to walk towards the edge of a much deeper part of the pool, just a couple of feet away. I was only sat a few feet from my DD and quickly started to move towards her. A lifeguard got their first and tbf rightfully reminded me to be aware of how deep the pool can get. Its taken me long to feel comfortable taking my adventurous DD to the pool and now I'm scared to do it again. Aibu to not want to take DD on my own again. I really do feel rubbish and scared after today.

But nothing happened - both you and the lifeguard were on it. Just stay closer next time.

Thank you , I just can't imagine anything bad happening to DD. I think the only thing ,I can do is to be physically right next to her next time. I thought, I was close enough but she was lot faster than I expected.

It sounds like you were doing everything right and that you are being hard on yourself. Of course you have to be vigilant at all times when near water and it sounds like you were! I know these ‘what if’ moments can be really scary (I have to talk myself down from these all the time!) but try not to let it stop you from going on adventures with your DD and living your life. Chalk it up to experience. Do you have a friend or relative that you could take with you next time just while you get your confidence back?

I used to put mine in a float vest just incase they fell in.
Taught them to float on their backs.

I don’t see anywhere you messed up at all.
you were enjoying the pool with dd. You were close by. You and a lifeguard saw a toddler quite rapidly move and you were reminded that she was moving to a different pool depth.

So important that you’re building confidence in the water, wearing appropriate floaties etc, and your child listens to your instructions (come back please). If it helps your confidence look for toddler safe swim classes? But honestly don’t see anything wrong at all.

Within arms reach when around water.

You haven’t messed up. Maybe get some arm bands for her so that she can be extra safe? Maybe try and find a pool with a toddler/ children’s but that she may be more interested in? Or see if a friend and their child may like to go with you? That’s what I used to do when my daughter was little! Made getting changed afterwards easier too!

I’m confused, were you in the water with her? It all ended fine and I don’t want to make you feel worse but within arms reach is the way to be with water

Sweetie, PLEASE do not beat yourself up about this. Shit happens. It's just the way it is, the best mums fuck up occasionally, and their kids can get hurt or fall into gorilla pits, it's just how things are.

When my son was about 10 mo tbh old, I was playing with him on my bed, I went to the toilet and left him on the bed, the bathroom was only opposite my room and I was gone for about 15 seconds. When I came back, he had the cord from my blind around his neck, and he was caught in it. He could have died. I screamed and rand towards him, untangled him and huge him and hugged him. I cried for hours. He had a .red mark all around his neck and I felt like the most awful mum in the world for a long time.

But you know what? I'm not!! I'm a good mum!! And so are you. Bad mums abuse their kids, they starve them, they neglect them, they bury them under patios. Good mums make occasional mistakes, they feel bad, they learn from them and they hopefully move on. Good mums are human.

I hope you're OK and manage to stop beating yourself up

Mine was an escapologist and fast! I warned my mum the first time they went to the park together without me. DD was halfway to a busy road with mum chasing her at full speed within a heartbeat. When you have one like this, honestly, prepare for the worst. Reins in public, flotation vests in the pool, tracker/squeaker/lights on the shoes.

People who don’t have one of these don’t understand.

ADHD here BTW so keep an eye on that.

A bit surprised by the amount of kindness on this thread, as I don't really feel I deserve it but thank you. Will try to move on from today and buy armbands and always keep within arms distance. Just massively relieved that DD was okay. She is my everything and I just want to her to have fun but stay safe.

It's because we've ALL been there!!

And if someone comes along to say they haven't, they're either lying, or their time will come!

Single mums who are trying deserve ALL the kindness. Every little bit of it.

Took two year old and newborn swimming years ago. Eldest was playing in the ankle deep baby pool while I sat right next to it on the steps of the main pool. A woman started chatting to me about my youngest then asked about my eldest. I turned back to look at him and he wasn't in the baby pool. He'd walked down the steps next to me and was just stood on the bottom of the pool completely submerged. Grabbed him and tried to carry on with the conversation like I wasn't having a mini heart attack...

Went on holiday a few years ago, second son was four or five and water confident so let him go into the shallow end with his big brother while I got the arm bands on his two younger siblings. Got into the pool to see the lifeguard diving into the deep end and retrieving my four year old, who'd run off to the water slide. Had a stern talking to from the lifeguard who insisted he wear arm bands every time we got into the pool for the rest of the holiday....

Took my two youngest swimming last year. Had a lovely time then went to shower in the wetside changing room. Took glasses off to shower. Stripping children off when I realised too late that youngest had filled his swimming nappy. Created a massive mess in the shower area so I cleaned him up then grabbed a handful of toilet paper to try and clean up before someone else came in to use the shower. Was running between the shower and toilet cubicle when I realised there was only one child in the shower. Asked where toddler was and just got an arm pointing at the exit which led to the changing village and poolside. Grabbed remaining naked child and went running through the changing village looking for toddler, not really able to see and just wildly calling his name. Ran full pelt into two lifeguards holding my naked toddler between them, who had tried to take a running jump back into the swimming pool. Got a telling off from one while the other held back his laughter.

In short, it sounds like you're doing a much better job of looking after your child than I am!

And you're still a great mum!!

Bad mums don't take their kids swimming!

Also, have a look at Zoggs swimfree float suits. Its a costume with inflatable chambers. I pair them with arm bands and they're unsinkable.

This is a non-issue! Your child moved towards deep water and you did your job by noticing and stopping them, as has probably every parent who has ever taken a child swimming! And the lifeguard, which is literally their purpose.

It sounds like you might be quite anxious but you sound like a great mum, be confident and proud.

I got confused and voted wrong. You are human and all mothers have near misses - anyone who says they haven’t is either too ashamed to admit it or never takes their child anywhere. If your child is very active maybe do as some have suggested and get an inflatable life vest? I had one when my son was little - he could move so fast!
Dont beat yourself up anymore - just use the information to alter how you approach the situation. Single parenting is relentless. You’re doing good!

In all honesty you can’t win these days as a mum. My toddler is also very adventurous, and for some time I would hover just like you describe. He would still manage to do crazy things though because toddlers can be fast and unpredictable. When he hit 3 I changed tactic and (clued in by his nursery) started letting him assess his own risk. That’s not to say I let him do anything life threatening but today for example, he climbed on the roof of his Wendy house in the garden. It’s about 5 feet high. He stood on the top and experimented with hanging off/ clinging on with one hand/ clinging on. All the time I’m pretending to be unconcerned but a couple of feet away. If he had fallen, he would have fallen onto grass which would have been a real bump but in the longer term I’m not going to be there to assess every risk. Sometimes he does hurt himself, but so far thankfully it’s been a bruise and a cuddle.

so what I’m saying is - you can beat yourself up about not being protective enough, but you’ll make yourself miserable and potentially deskill your daughter. Or you can pat yourself on the back for being super close to her as well as choosing a pool with attentive life guards and just pop some arm bands on her next time.

I'd be really wary of being so protective (I am like this and have to try hard to stop myself). Your daughter will be picking up on your anxious vibes and this isn't good. Is she overly cautious herself? Because if she is, it's already happening

I had a similar scare last week when my little boy nearly ran out onto a (quiet) road with a car coming (who saw him and stopped) but I can't stop relaying the incident of what if I hadn't stopped him in time and what if that car hadn't stopped.

So I'm saying this to you as much as to myself - maybe these near misses are helpful and help us avoid a future accident, like I'm reminded to be extra careful of roads and you of water, if we hadn't had these scares maybe something worse would have happened in the future.

Please keep taking your little child to fun stuff! Remember the village helps and worst case scenario if she had fallen in you would have immediately pulled her out, or the life guard or another parent would have. X

I have three kids and I have 3 stand out moments that I relive in utter horror where they were in a hairsbreath of being hurt. Those moments are all with the same child! He was completely off the walls as a toddler , would suddenly run out on the road, tumbled down a staircase in front of me, jumped into a deep pool suddenly.

I also got used to standing back to access risks and letting him do slightly risky things to fulfil his needs.

Thank you for everyone's kindness last night, it did help me lot. Naturally DD wanted to go back to the pool again today. Maybe next week haha.

Oh jeez you're only human! These things happen. Agree with PP- get armbands or similar and then get back to the pool to enjoy yourselves!

Not one twatty comment - how refreshing 🥰