Reconnecting with teens

[shelle07]

My teen is going through a disengaged period. He is nearly 17. Spends most of his time in another room, avoids sitting at the table with our family because it’s “small talk”, grades suffering, sees less of his friends these days and mostly his girlfriend, lies a lot, no interest in his future and next steps. Keep being advised to let him be and learn from his own mistakes but it is so hard. Am I best to leave him to work things out himself and be here for when he is ready, or do I intervene? We try talking to him in the car but he just gets defensive. Prefers us not to speak. Prefers us to leave him alone and just agree to everything he asks for. He is moody and argumentative all of the time. I know this is typical for teens. For those who have been through this already I would welcome tips and advice.

Haven’t got any wise words but he sounds very much like my DS17 - except he has just flunked out of his first year of college so probably even worse. We have a good relationship and do talk but he and my DH lock horns. He is so different to me at his age, I had a job, I worked hard, I was out with friends, had travelling plans, it makes my heart break.

Exactly the same for me, and I really struggle because I have always been a grafter.
He failed all of his trial exams recently, and has been missing deadlines and lessons. School gave him a detention and he didn’t turn up! We have been tearing our hair out but have got to the point where it is probably making things a lot worse. Our relationship has really suffered in the process.
it’s reassuring to know we are not on our own going through this. Hope you find some helpful advice on this thread too.

I suggest you google 'Failure to Launch' and see if anything sounds familiar.

I believevthat NVR is useful (non violent resistance). You can do parenting courses in nvr.

I'm 25 now and I remember being 17 just sucked. It's meant to be the best years of your life, but really you are just stressed with the feeling that you are meant to know what you are doing for the rest of your life.
Some people have a plan, others have already been accepted into uni, and some just don't know and feel like they are falling behind.

I never felt like I could talk to my parents as they only focussed on my grades, time spent studying, and my future plans. I hated that they never encouraged me to continue my hobbies and have down time.

Is there something he likes doing to relax that you can join in on? The times I felt I could connect to my parents:

• My mum would always ask what was happening in my favourite show
• My dad would look at my art desk and ask me how I drew/painted something (although I have since found out he was probably just feigning ignorance at how things were done)
• Bring a cuppa, a glass of wine (fun) or some snacks if I studied on a Friday or Saturday night

Although they never really took to opportunity to ask how I was going past that point.

My parents also seemed to avoid staying in my room for long, not sure why. Once my mum actually stayed for a bit and looked at my cork board and and saw all the due dates for assignments/exams and uni applications. She was like, woah that's a lot coming up, I don't know how you do it! And turned to see me absolutely bawling because I was not, in fact, doing it haha. So try to act a little normal around them and not like they'll combust if you're in their presence for more than 5 seconds. Most teens actually love their parents, they just don't know how to express the complexity of emotions they have bottled up and also don't want to burden their parents with stress