AIBU to be annoyed at mum

[Sprogonthetyne]

I'm a single mum to two autistic DC, so things can be tough at times. My eldest (8) has had dinosaurs as a special intrest since he was 1, and has been looking forward to the new jurassic world movie for months. I wanted to take him to the cinema to see it, and can't take youngest (5), so asked my mum to babysit youngest for a few hours (this is the first time babysitting in over a year, so don't think I take the piss with asking for help).

Today was the only day she could do which happened to also be his end of year cello proformas, so that plus the cinema in one day was always going to be a lot of sensory imput and near the edge of what he could cope with. On balance I decided the benefit of supporting his special intrest and have some 1:1 time was worth it. He did fantastically at both, and although he was a bit fizzy by the end, would have been fine if the rest of the day had been quite and calm.

Here's the bit I'm annoyed at. When we got back to my mum to pick up younger DC, she had invited her 3 other grandchildren round to play, so without warning, my already fried DS was in the middle of a noisy crowd of excited children, and inevitably had a meltdown within 5 minutes. On another day the kids would have had a great time playing together, but usualy when we see the cousins, that is all we do that day, as it takes a lot of my kids capacity.

AIBU to be a bit annoying at DM for this? I understand I can't dictate who she has at her house, but if she had told me she was having the other DGC I would have re-arranged. She babysits the other DGC at least once a week, so I'm kind of hurt that she couldn't do a very rare, one off favour for me/ my DC without prioritising them (there was no reasonfor them to be there other then been bord at home).

YNBU to be annoyed by the situation. But I don’t know that there’s much of a reason to be annoyed at your mum. Yes, it would be good if she knew better. But it sounds like she just doesn’t.

Nothing to stop you feeling annoyed.

Was you having to wait until all her DGC went home, was she giving you a lift somewhere?

Why didn't you just pick up your other DC explaining it had been a long day, say your goodbyes and take your DC home?

why didn't you thank you mum for doing you a big favour and take the DCs home?

If you know that seeing the cousins would cause a meltdown (you're expecting your mum to know this, so obviously you would) why didn't you just swoop in, click the situation then grab your youngest saying you're in a hurry, and swoop out home?

The plan had been to call in for a bit before the (longish) drive home, which would have been fine if it was just us and DM as planned. I didn't know the other DC were there until DS had already seen them. He can't always tell when he's had enough and was happy to see his cousins, so at that point it was a choice between a meltdown because I wouldn't let him play or a meltdown because I did and it was too much. If she had given me a heads up about the other children, I wouldn't have let DS enter the house or see the cousins were there.

I didn't know I needed to check the situation as I didn't know mum would decide to invite them during the 2 hours I was in the cinema. Than was not the plan when we left and I didn't know they were their until me and DS were already in the house.

That does genuinely sound frustrating when he had had such a lovely day that you had arranged for him. I completely see why you’re sad it ended the way it did. But I just don’t think DM should be the target of that frustration. She just probably doesn’t have the forward-thinking skills that you’ve had to learn.

Agree with this. She probably didn’t realise the impact it would have, and that it would be nice for your other child.

If it wasn’t the plan when you left, was it something spontaneous that had happened? Had you discussed he would be on edge by the end of the day?

I understand entirely how irritating it would be that a good day ended with a meltdown, but I think it’s just one of those you need to take a breath after and say “phew, glad that’s over” Unless she specifically did this when you had asked her not to, I’d wouldn’t be annoyed at her.

I would, however, be annoyed at her being so inflexible when asked to look after your kids when she seems to have oodles of time spare for looking after the others, though!

The disproportionate amount of time spent on the DGC is probably fuelling my feelings to some extent, especially since one of the other set is also neurodiverse (runs in the family) and she is usually brilliant at predicting and making adjustments for that child. We had talked about me being unsure if he'd cope with the cinema (it was his first time) and had tried but failed to find a different day she was free because of the cello thing, so she was aware he'd be struggling by the end of the day.

There was no real reason for the other DGC to come, one of them just 'happened' to phone, found out my youngest was there and asked to come too (I suspect the phone call was encouraged by DSis, who knew my DC would be there and has form for getting her DC to ask to come when she wants a break without having to ask herself).