To wonder whether it’s normal to have doubts that your partner is ‘the one’?

[Helpins]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now.

there are times when things are amazing and I want to marry and have children with him, but there are also moments whether I question if he is the one at all.

we’re both 27, and I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. Do I stay with him and build a life together, or do I end it and find someone who I have no doubts about. I want kids in my early thirties, so I don’t have long left to find someone else if he isn’t the one.

is it normal to have doubts about a relationship, or is the fact I have doubts a sign that we’re incompatible and I should end it?

I do love him, there are just some areas where we really differ, and I worry about that.

I worry that this is normal, and I’d be ending things because of a ‘grass is always greener’ mentality that I may come to regret

Antone?

Hmm. I have been with my husband 23 years and have no doubts he is my one. However, when we were younger I had a couple of doubts, but I think that’s probably because I was very young when I met him (I was 18).

I’ve had a word with Antone. He says he’s defo ‘the one’. But he’s not on Mumsnet so he can’t reply.

I think you need to narrow it down a bit for yourself. What areas do you “really differ” on? Eg he’s sporty and gregarious you get lonely when he’s off playing football and doesn’t notice you? Or he wants you to be a career woman/wants to travel and doesn’t see himself having kids for ten years or so? Or he wants to move to a city but you want to live rurally and close to your family? Or he supports Reform and you can’t stand his politics? Or what?

I do think it is normal to have doubts. It’s hard to know if you will grow together, or grow apart. Having a fixed deadline for having kids means you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure to decide - and you could easily regret it if you leave as much as if you stay.

i would give it another 12 months and focus on the areas that make you worry about your future together.

Hmm, it’s a tricky one. It can come down to personality types. I have always found it quite difficult to settle into my decisions (I’m just a ‘what if’ kind of person, which can be exhausting). So for me, doubts like this would be fairly normal. Does that make sense?!

😂

Also remember you don’t live in a Disney cartoon. It’s highly unlikely there is one single perfect partner for you. A marriage, a family - these are things that require effort to nurture and sustain. Very few people have a perfect marriage, but many people find ways to be content and fulfilled.

Don’t be suckered by the sugar-coated happily-ever-afters and Insta-perfect relationships that the media flog to us. It’s just a pleasant fantasy and not something to build a life upon.

I don't really believe in "the one". I think there are probably thousands of people in the works you could have a successful relationship with and those relationships would all differ. As a pp said, I think you need to be very specific with yourself about what you like, what you love, what areas you differ on, what are his views on marriage, fatherhood, the sharing of finances and roles and then figure it out. Someone who is a brilliant partner / social match may be a disastrous pick for the father of your children.

Does it help if you look at it from the perspective of there being no such thing as The One? (On a pure probability basis)

That's not to say that you can't/won't find someone who's a great match and who you can be happy with for a long time.

What are your doubts centred around?

If they're fundamental positional differences that you don't like then it's probably not something you can make happen.
If it's wanting kids/strong political opinions/lifestyle/work and moral judgements etc then I don't think these really profound beliefs can be meshed with another.

If it's more like he likes golf you like football etc then I think that's more manageable.

My biggest consideration is - is this a good, decent person, can I trust them, will they hurt me in any way, will we support each other, are they funny, will we have fun together? Will they communicate with me fairly?

And, most importantly, can I put up with any perceived 'defects' - possibly forever?!

As PPs are asking, what are your doubts around? DPs behaviour? His ‘Status’ or prospects? Beliefs?

Or is this a you thing - in terms of feeling like you’re ‘settling’ or expecting a lightning bolt every morning? Are you changing to stay together (in a way you don’t like)?

What are your own non-negotiables? Are you on the same page when it comes to kids, career, what you want from life (or can you respect and work to compromise together)? Do you have fun together?

There’s no right or single answer but it is important to ask questions of yourself and you as a pair.

Thanks everyone.

The things we differ on fundamentally are that I like spontaneity and change and love the idea of spending a few years near my family up North when we have kids, whereas he loves London.

He also said that he’s never dreamed of getting married and having kids, because he had an awful childhood.

we nearly broke up over both these points, and he now says he would be willing to marry and have kids with me in the next few years because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me.

he also says we could have an arrangement where we live up north for a few years and then move back to London.

I just don’t know whether this is compromise, or actually the fact we disagreed about theee things in the first place shows a fundamental incompatibility.

Firstly, you should bin the notion of “the one”. There is no “the one”, the world is full of people
you probably find attractive and would be compatible with, if circumstances put you together.

It depends on the type of doubts. You’re still young, plenty of time to look around. That said, no relationship is perfect.

These are fundamental life questions you disagree on. You are trying to avoid the pain of ending it but you will have more pain in the
future if you have children with someone who
doesnt really want them. You are young and have time - just be free, live life a bit and see what happens.

@HelpinsI think there’s some fundamental differences here - where you want to settle down, and the really big one - kids.

While it’s ok for someone to get married because their partner wants it (doesn’t fundamentally change their life or anyone else’s) - no one should have kids to keep a relationship. For one, you could get married and when the time comes to actually have kids he backs out as it gets real. Or he keeps delaying when you have kids. Or really struggles to be a good father because he’s never seen it modelled and has unresolved baggage (has he at at least had therapy?).

Where you settle will involve compromise from one of you - and while it can work out without resentment from either side, it’s important to understand his reasons for not wanting to move North. Is it fewer job opportunities, his entire social network and life is in London/he is a Londoner, you want to move to rural/countryside and he prefers cities or vice versa etc. My friends are both Northern, met in London, he wanted to move back North to raise kids, she was adamant she left the North for a reason - they’ve settled in London. And he does admit it was a good decision as they had the budget to buy a large house there and a nice lifestyle. So discussing what sort of lifestyle you want is also important.

I’ve been married twice and did doubt my exH because I wasn’t as attracted to him (despite thinking he was attractive) but we agreed on everything else so it felt shallow to walk away. Eventually it caused an emotional distance between us and we both deserved more so had an amicable divorce. With my current DH, I never doubted I wanted to marry him as he had both the deep attraction I lacked first time and the compatibility. I was in my mid 30s and my must-haves were a man who wanted to settle in East London where I had built my life (DH is an East Londoner so no issues there) and someone who was keen to have kids soon. I just didn’t want to move cross country for love, or have to convince a man to have kids and be all in.

Doubts are healthy and normal and a sign of maturity. They don’t have to be a deal breaker but it’s worth pausing to consider carefully as clearly your radar has raised a warning.

I would say these are fundamental differences. Also, it sounds like he is (intentionally or unintentionally) future faking with the whole vague “marriage and kids in a few years’ time” BS. You need to be on the same page about timeline. Does he know you want a baby in your early 30s and therefore want to start TTC in 3-4 years’ time?

Are you in jobs that would allow you to easily bounce around the country, leaving London to live up North for a few years then returning to London? Is this realistic? Even with a kid or two in tow?

EDIT: to answer your question, I do think it’s normal to have doubts about the longevity of a relationship, but you need to really understand the source of these feelings and whether you can overcome the issues. I’m in a new relationship and my head is too in the clouds atm to even think about if he’s ’the one’, but I hope I have the courage to really question and analyse it when the time is right. I’m much older than you (mid-30s) so have additional pressure - biology screws women over, unfortunately.

Screaming red flags! He does not actually want to get married or have kids. He has placated you by saying he will do it for you because he doesn't want to lose you but this is not a man you want to have kids with. He will resent you and them. Your gut instincts are telling you he isn't right.

It's normal to have doubts, because there is no such thing as "the one".

There are 8 billion human beings on the planet. The idea that there is one perfectly suited to being in a relationship with you, and for most people it turns out that for them "the one" happens to be unknowingly living and working within a few miles of where they themselves live, is clearly ridiculous.

I spent most of my adult life in a relationship with someone who I got along with extremely well. To most people who believe in such things, we'd have been "soulmates", each other's "one", etc. Time passed, we both changed as people, I began having doubts, eventually I ended the relationship. Within a couple of months I met someone else, we get along even better than I ever did with my "one", ten years in, still going strong.

No relationship is perfect, and yes, it's perfectly normal to question the parts which are less than perfect, but it's always a nonsense to think that you need to stay in a relationship forever out of fear that you would be dispensing with your "one". There are millions, if not billions of other people out there you could be having an enjoyable relationship with.