Partner is insinuating I am a bad mum

[Mamaloz]

I’m getting really fed up with my partner constantly making me feel like a bad mum. It started when my little one (now 17 months) was a newborn, he was born 5 weeks early so we spent 2 weeks in nicu, I found the whole experience terrifying to begin with, seeing my baby in an incubator and so tiny I was almost scared to touch him, he was 4lb 12 so not too small but wee ere expecting him to go to term and be double that. Due to this I wasn’t to forthcoming with his care in the hospital for example nappy changes I wasn’t scared to do at first as he was so tiny, my partner did his first nappy change and he now uses that against me if we have an argument. My son used to scream whenever I did his nappy despite the fact I was obviously really gentle but my partner would say things like what are you doing to him he doesn’t like you changing him let me do it etc, it really knocked my confidence as a first time mum. Anyway, 2 days ago my partner was at work, my son and I shared an ice cream sat on the sofa together, I jumped up for a second to grab a cloth and the minute my back was turned he fell off sofa, he cried more from shock as he had no injuries or bumps, I told my partner what happened when he got home and his reaction was really quite nasty, calling me stupid etc and proceeded to be shitty with me for the entire weekend. Another incident happened just now, he wanted to take my son for a walk so I got some clothes for him, tried to put his t shirt on and he’s moving his head about and starts throwing a tantrum presumably because he’s hot and doesn’t want clothes on, the t shirt got stuck so had to take it off my partner is muttering things under his breath grabs my son and storms out of the house, again I am left feeling like an awful person

You’re not an awful person, your partner on the other hand….

Seriously, he is eroding your self confidence. Can you give anymore context? Have things always been like this?

Just wanted to add to this that I feel my partner tries to compete with me to be the “better parent” whereas I’d like us to work as a team, it seems he tries to wind me up so I lose my cool in front of our son and then all the guilt is on me again

He's undermining you and nasty to you, not much of a partner
He's the problem not you

Have you told him to stop this OP? I think if they were honest most parents have had a small accident like a LO falling off of the sofa, it's almost a right of passage, which happens to wake you up to the fact that while our kids are so young, there is literally danger for them EVERYWHERE! So please don't feel too bad about it. When my DD was young, I put her to bed for her afternoon nap, and then after about an hour, I suddenly heard a crash followed by screaming. I went racing to her room, only to find I couldn't open the door, I pushed it a little way, and realised that my baby was on the floor behind it. I carefully put my hand in, and manoeuvred her out of the way enough for me to open the door, and couldn't believe it, when I saw she had the rubbish bin on her head. We worked it out, that she had climbed up the soft toys at the end of her bed, hauled herself up on the foot board, then overbalanced, and thankfully, landed head first in the rubbish bin, which was full of tissues, so thankfully she wasn't hurt at all, just frightened, but nowhere near as much as I was!! If either of us had had any experience of dealing with babies, before we had our own, we might have known to look out for this sort of thing, but we hadn't, and it was an accident, just like when your LO fell off the sofa. These things happen OP, so please don't accept him being so hard on you, as it could just as easily have happened on his watch, the difference being, that he probably wouldn't have told you about it!

In all honesty, he doesn't sound like a very nice man to be trying to compete on who is the better parent. Has he always been this nasty?

You poor thing 😔
He’s a bully x

I had things woth my first child like she rolled off the couch I locked her in the car by accident but my partner would never have a go at me he tried to make me feel better which is what tour partner should be doing. She also used to scream and go mad when I changed her nappy he never tried to take over.

He’s nasty. How horrid to use the nappy changing against you. You had been pregnant and had given birth and were managing the NICU. Tell him to stop this bully behaviour. Get legal advice on ending the relationship.

He is bullying you, and doing this to break down your confidence and control you.

YOU ARE DOING FINE. Kids fall off things, kids don't want to get dressed, kids are humans with (poorly controlled) feelings and thoughts too!

Do you have anyone around you who would notice him doing this and remind you that you're not going mad, he's being shit towards you whenever you start to waiver? A friend who'll have your back?

You can try nipping this in the bud - stand up for yourself, tell him it's not acceptable - if it's just a habit he's got into then maybe he can snap out of it - but honestly, my ex used to tell me I 'hadn't really given birth' because I had a c-section - wouldn't stop going on about it, and honestly it was one of many things I should have paid attention to and left him earlier

There's obviously a lot more going on here than you've mentioned, but from what you've written it's clear that there is something wrong.

I can't tell you you're a good mum, I don't know you, but deep down inside you know the truth, despite what he's trying to make you believe.

One way to look at it, might be that your DS is watching every move and having feelings about what he sees and hears. He is developing a world view and a belief about himself based on the interactions you have with each other and with him.

What do you want for your son? That is what is at stake here.

Your husband sounds like a dick. However leaving a toddler on a sofa alone is not wise.

the only change here is he needs to be ex not current partner.

The only thing destroying your confidence and making you doubt yourself so much you can't parent easily is your deeply unpleasant partner.

Imagine being able to do it with that weight lifted, is it easier and more natural when he's not hanging over you being a bully?

It is so much easier when he’s not around, feel
like my son behaves better as well, he plays up to his dad as he panders to him so much. I had a talk with him last night and suggested it may be best to live separately as I don’t want our son growing up in a bad atmosphere, he has said he doesn’t trust me to look after him without him around(despite the fact I’m on my own with him majority of the time) and accused me of being jealous of the bond he has with him (like why on earth would I be jealous, I find it heart warming how he has a lovely bond with his dad) it’s another dig to try to make me doubt myself and basically feel like a shit mum and that I can’t do it without him. It’s a shame it has come to this as I’d rather my son grow up with his dad in the picture but everyone has a breaking point

If you want to seperate, he might not like it but he doesn't have to agree. You don't need his permission to make that decision, if it is right for you and what you want. Remember that.

I think if you decide to split OP, that would be absolutely the best thing for you and your child. His Father is a domineering, bullying pig.

You're clearly a loving Mum, and like all of us first timers you have to learn the things to watch out for.

I've PM'd you with a story of what happened, to me as a first time Mum.

Is your partner his dad, OP? That makes things a bit more complicated because you’ll need to co-parent but you don’t have to stay with him - you might both be better parents without the other.

My ex was similar to this. We split up when ds was 4 for lots of reasons. I did feel like my ds was becoming a bit mean towards me and rude when his dad was there with us, I never voiced it to him but there was a huge shift in behaviour from ds once we split up. Ex was always horrible to his own mum too, would completely blank her or treat her like she was an idiot if she said anything. We’re all happier now 6 years later. Don’t let him impact your relationship with your son or how you view yourself, the relationship is not worth that.

This is a nasty abusive relationship.
Start talking to your GP and Women's aid.
This is not a good environment for a child.
Soon he will fully understand that his father hates his mother.
Tell family and friends the truth and start planning.
No more sex with this prick.
You do not want to get pregnant again with him.

OP I’ve been here. Almost exactly. Except he tried taking our DD to his parents for good under the guise of how “useless” I was (he had also discovered that as he’s on the birth certificate, the police cannot take the baby from him and that I’d need to go to court to access to her back!!)

The whole me being “useless” thing was all utter bullshit, concocted to create a false narrative to try win majority custody.

Can you go to your parents’ house for a bit? I know you shouldn’t have to leave your home but I’m really worried about him trying to take the baby. I’m presuming he’s on his birth certificate? In which case what I said above is sadly, true. Both parents’ names on the birth certificate, gives each parent Parental Responsibility. Meaning the police cannot get involved if one parent decides the other can’t see the child.

He shouts at you and makes you feel small because he likes to. He likes the way your subservience makes him feel. And he can just do it on a whim, like turning on a tap. He has no care for you at all and possibly little for your ds except as a vehicle to upset you.

It’s time to look for assistance from Women’s Aid and look forward to a life without him where you will recognise how capable you are.