to think women have greater expectations of stepmothers than stepfathers?

[pppaper]

It seems like stepmothers are often expected to take on a whole load of domestic responsibilities: cooking, cleaning, doing the washing, organising the kids' lives, basically acting like a full time mother. They are also often told to be kind, nurturing, and do everything for their stepchild or stepchildren, as if that is just part of the role.

But stepfathers, on the whole, do not face the same pressure. Many are able to take a step back and leave the bulk of parenting and household stuff to their partner without anyone batting an eyelid. They are rarely told they should be doing everything or expected to throw themselves into a hands on parenting role straight away.

Just to be clear, I am sure there are amazing stepfathers out there who do everything and more, but that is not the point of this thread. I am talking about the general societal expectations and the double standards that seem to exist.

Why is there such a difference? Is it just ingrained gender roles? Women held to a higher standard when it comes to caring and domestic work even in blended families?

Women have always been held to a higher standard when it comes to nurturing and domestic work so it's not surprising that that applies to step parents too!

My kids have a step dad and my expectation of him are minimal and it turns out he does many many times more than their actual dad ever did.

My friend‘s kids have a step mum and she expects her to do nothing and she also seems to do an awful lot.

I suppose for nuance one must discuss where the expectation comes from, from whom.

My expectation was always close to zero for both. I think as per your post step mothers‘ have more expectations on them as they are usually marrying men and men do less, literally they nearly always do less and then step mums are just replacing the mother when the kids are there. It’s bullshit but the reality.

I think that’s just representative of what mothers/women and fathers/men are often expected to do rather than anything to do with step of as a stepmother I’m not sure it’s anything to do with step.

As a stepmother I think we can’t win. I know many women who are are bitter and jealous of their kids stepmums, will complain if she does and complain if she doesn’t. but there’s also many single mums who will happily give their kids a stepfather over a matter of weeks and expect him to take on role of dad.

This!! I completely agree that society is generally more negative towards stepmothers than stepfathers. I don’t know if that’s because of expectations on what you should do though. I agree with PP that stepmothers cannot win. Damned if you do (intruding/ overstepping) and damned if you don’t (uncaring). Stepdads however seem to be applauded for whatever they do (stepping up). Think it will be a long time before we truly change the bias, if ever.

I don’t think it’s a game that a woman can win as a stepmother. The reason seems pretty obvious; the woman is doing the role because of her love of the man, on which account, she’s never going to prioritize the child against what he wants, or she’s resentful of being given the role and therefore doesn’t prioritize the child due to that resentment.

The only real solution is not to play stepmother at all. But the majority of the men wouldn’t be happy with that as that was the role they were usually auditioning for, even if they said it was a girlfriend.

Obviously women will have relationships with men with children, but they should be much more assertive that they aren’t a new mother to anyone. If it’s the deal, you should not just fall into it,

But ditto with mothers and fathers

I think the total opposite

On here, step mums are told to do absolutely nothing for their stepchildren and in particular to run a mile if there's any suggestion that they might financially contribute to them.

Whereas women on here often say that they expect their partners to treat their children as their own and fully expect stepdads to financially support their children

It’s the patriarchy.

Neither SM/SF should be expected to take bulk load with the kids.

Women tend to prioritise their DC, men tend to leave it to their next partner who accepts it until they don’t (prob why original relationship failed)

I’ve seen many a SM complain about say 10YO leaving clothes on floor while saying nothing about their DP/H doing the same. DSD doesn’t clear up after themselves yet they are blinded to DP/H a grown adult not doing so either.

Really women who see their DP not doing much caring for their DC should keep walking, not enter a relationship then be surprised when he uses them as a skivvy.

That’s certainly not my experience.

I don’t resent being given the role at all, I chose it by being in a relationship with a man who has a child.

Obviously I didn’t happen immediately but I do love and prioritise her not just because I love him but because she’s a lovely girl and a vulnerable child who had no choice in this matter. If he ran out with another woman tomorrow my feelings towards DSD wouldn’t change, I would still love her. And as he would want me to if it came to it I would prioritise her over him.

It’s because of how society views men as fathers full stop. Dad has children for the day it’s babysitting mum does it daily she just mum. Dad gets up in the night wow real team player mum does it she’s just mum.

So in a step dad house mum still does all the mum things and dad does fun things. Though can sometimes be expected to whip his family into accepting above his step children.

In a step mum she’s expected to carry out by the man all the mum duties, but the actual mum doesn’t want the step mum stepping on toes. If step doesn’t do mum duties she’s uncaring if she does she’s wrong.

Bit like when men fuck off and never see their children again it’s eugh shrug. A mum does it and omg she’s the devil.

I think women are generally less prepared to put up with children in their family being neglected than men are. I would not tolerate a young child living in the same house as me (even if EOW) not being fed decent food, having clothes in good condition that fit, having access to a toothbrush etc., being taken out at least once a day for exercise or activities and having some good quality "parental" time not on screens.

I think some men take advantage. They shack up with the next woman specifically to unload their caring responsibilities.

Women know that women do a disproportionate share of caring and, although deeply sexist, they too assimilate the message that, if women don't care, then no one else is going to be doing it.
No one likes to think of their children being uncared for or badly looked after, but it is often a lack of care and interest in the kids which leads to the relationship breakdown in the first place. Someone who is a terrible father in a relationship isn't going to become Dad of the Year just because you separate, so I imagine it's easier to look to the stepmother to do the caring.

Agree with this completely after having a look on the step parents board it’s clear it’s the total opposite and men are expected to step up and take children on as their own whereas women are told the complete opposite and to do nothing for them as it’s “not their job”

I have a lot of sympathy for both mums and step-mums in separated families.