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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep visits to family shorter

10 replies

OrangeChips1 · 12/07/2025 22:25

Looking for validation/better ways to word this, but also happy to be challenged if you feel I am being unreasonable ...need a space to be able to debate it out.

Situation is...when we go to visit my husbands family, after around 2-3 hours where we catch up, eat together and clean up his parents seem....done...with hosting
...his dad will go off to do errands, his mum will sit but not interact. To me, this is absolutely fair enough and should be our cue to leave.

But, my husband doesn't seem to think so. He thinks they're okay with us playing/doing our own thing in the background, being used to busy households, and that they like the hustle and bustle of it.

Whereas I find it awkward. My son isn't great at playing by himself unless he's at home. I can see he's confused about why he's in a room full of adults none of whom want to interact. So I end up being the one playing with him - with my MIL watching...and I find it frustrating as it's so much more work than being at home....the interaction is constant and all with an audience.
I get that this is a me (and possibly son) problem, and perhaps I should train him to sit quietly and colour or something for a while even if we're at someone else's house.

But part of me doesn't understand why we can't just leave....

They only live 45 mins away so I'd be happier with visiting little and often.

We just don't seem to be able to see eye to eye on this, and I'm not fully understanding why / or where I am being unreasonable.
Can you help?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 12/07/2025 23:09

How long are you expected to stay after the meal and clearing up? I think it's reasonable to stay for maybe an hour or so, encourage DH to take your son out in the garden to play or bring some games or drawing stuff for him to do. Have you tried sitting with MIL and trying to engage her in chat? Maybe she's quite happy to sit back and just enjoy having you all there. Either way, I think a compromise can be reached with DH to cut the visits a bit shorter.

MelliC · 12/07/2025 23:27

I would suggest that half the time your husband does the visit with your son and you stay home or do . If he's Chief Entertainment Officer, he might start to see things your way.

And when you do go, can't you go for a walk to the park or something?

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 12/07/2025 23:46

Endofyear · 12/07/2025 23:09

How long are you expected to stay after the meal and clearing up? I think it's reasonable to stay for maybe an hour or so, encourage DH to take your son out in the garden to play or bring some games or drawing stuff for him to do. Have you tried sitting with MIL and trying to engage her in chat? Maybe she's quite happy to sit back and just enjoy having you all there. Either way, I think a compromise can be reached with DH to cut the visits a bit shorter.

They don't really expect anything either way. I would be happy to stay for an hour, hubby would want to stay for the whole day and then have dinner there and then go home. But I find that too long.
Yes I have tried to engage MIL in chat but she doesn't want to say much after a few hours...which is absolutely fine and completely understandable, but I just feel uncomfortable being there having to entertain son while she watches and the men are oblivious to how much work it is

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 12/07/2025 23:50

MelliC · 12/07/2025 23:27

I would suggest that half the time your husband does the visit with your son and you stay home or do . If he's Chief Entertainment Officer, he might start to see things your way.

And when you do go, can't you go for a walk to the park or something?

LOL love the phrase "chief entertainment officer" !
Yeh I do suggest park / walk...son usually doesn't want to go but I drag him out anyway and he's fine when out. But then we go back to the house and it's the same dynamic of "we've said what we need to say to each other"
...so it just feels like we're sticking around for no reason other than hubby feeling like that's what makes a proper visit.

OP posts:
FruitFlyPie · 12/07/2025 23:57

I feel like you. I live the same distance from my parents and in laws, and 2-3 hours is the usual and the perfect visit length for all of us. The good thing about living close (OK it's not next door but I count 45 mins as close) is that you can visit often.

Truetoself · 12/07/2025 23:57

It used to be his home so of course he is comfortable doing nothing there. Why doesn’t he entertain your som instead? I would do as pp said and let him visit alone with your son

Cornishclio · 12/07/2025 23:58

I am with you on this one. It sounds awkward. I would either let your DH take your child on his own or make him step up with entertaining your DS. Maybe your PIL want you to leave and that is why they start going off to do other stuff. Nothing worse than visitors who don’t get the hint they have overstayed their welcome.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 13/07/2025 00:01

Cornishclio · 12/07/2025 23:58

I am with you on this one. It sounds awkward. I would either let your DH take your child on his own or make him step up with entertaining your DS. Maybe your PIL want you to leave and that is why they start going off to do other stuff. Nothing worse than visitors who don’t get the hint they have overstayed their welcome.

Yes exactly, I really do think they've had enough of having us there at that point but don't want to say because DH used to live there so it's kinda like kicking someone out of "their" home?
I think maybe I'll say I want to for a walk alone to force him to entertain DC...
DC always asks me to stay but I'll have to be firm 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 13/07/2025 00:02

FruitFlyPie · 12/07/2025 23:57

I feel like you. I live the same distance from my parents and in laws, and 2-3 hours is the usual and the perfect visit length for all of us. The good thing about living close (OK it's not next door but I count 45 mins as close) is that you can visit often.

Yeh that's exactly what I feel...can do other things in the day too and it's easier to pop in more often so it doesn't have to be a whole say thing

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 13/07/2025 00:03

Truetoself · 12/07/2025 23:57

It used to be his home so of course he is comfortable doing nothing there. Why doesn’t he entertain your som instead? I would do as pp said and let him visit alone with your son

He gets busy doing errands for them and/or doesn't realise what dynamic is unfolding. But I'll have to be more assertive at pointing It out.

OP posts:
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