To think forgiveness is overrated?

[MyPoisedDenimReader]

We act like healing requires forgiveness. Why? Some people don’t deserve peace. Some wounds don’t need closure - they need distance. “I forgive you” has become another way to tone-police pain.

It’s a Cristian concept isn’t it?

You don't forgive someone for their sake, you do it for your own wellbeing.

Forgiveness isn't the same as saying it was OK to do it.

For me, forgiveness is not to do with the other person

It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen - it did
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter - it does
It doesn’t mean they were right - they weren’t

It’s about me not allowing them to live rent free in my head after they’ve done something shitty. Not wanting to feel that bitterness, hate, anger, fury etc. inside me. Me feeling those things doesn’t punish them, it punishes me.

I don’t let them off, and would make it clear they were wrong. However, I do choose to let go of certain feelings associated with it, so I can feel better and can move past it

Meh. In my school, I usually remind the wronged party that they don't have to accept an apology if they still feel aggrieved (and it's vanishingly rare for the person apologising to actually sound sufficiently contrite and earnest). I tell them to let the apologiser know at a later time if they decide to accept the apology or forgive them, but definitely make it clear there is no expectation to forgive as a natural consequence of receiving a half-arsed "Sorry...".

I agree with @jackstini Forgiveness for me is not about telling the perpetrator they’re ‘forgiven’, it’s about finding my own peace.

It’s bad enough being harmed by a person’s actions: why would you want to give them even more power over you by holding onto anger and bitterness? It eats you up, so then they’ve won twice.

I try and accept we are all flawed human beings, some more flawed than others. The perpetrators won’t ever be happy - they can’t be with a mindset that enjoys harming others - so that is its own punishment.

I don’t forgive them either. I’m so sorry you had to got through this x

I know what you mean.

I think what it is, forgiving yourself is the only way you can really really move on, and that has been my personal experience.

It’s not about forgiving the other person for healing, it’s about being at peace with yourself and acknowledging that it was not your fault.

I think that it is important to seek justice. But being bitter makes a horrible life - so I believe the act of forgiveness is meant to prevent bitterness. And it’s more about letting go of bitterness than it is about letting the perpetrator get away.

Agreed. Some things are unforgivable. And that doesn’t mean you can’t move on, it just means you can see it for what it is.

I couldn’t read this and not comment. Fuck your trafficker, fuck those men who knew exactly what they were paying for and didn’t care. They are disgusting and don’t deserve your or anyone else’s forgiveness. Wishing you all the very best. x

@CuriousKangaroo thank you. I agree with you, some things are too big to be forgiven.

I struggle with this as I consider myself to be a Christian. Then I read Romans 12:19-21 and feel better (sometimes!)

No, and you’ve taken my comment out of context quite deliberately as it was pretty obvious what was meant.

Some people can move on though, yes. As I said, it’s not about making friends with the murderer and thinking they’re great because they’ve said sorry. You can still grieve your child but over time some people learn to accept that what’s happened has happened, they can’t change that fact and carrying anger for the rest of their life and dwelling on something they can’t change isn’t productive.

I mean I suppose it might depend on the situation and whether the child was murdered by accident or in a cold blooded and calculated way also.