To feel like such a sh*t mum?

[Cinder3lla]

I have a 3yo and 1yo. I've really struggled with 1-2 even now. Youngest doesn't sleep well, is so clingy and only just warming to other family members slightly. Cries for me to where even DH asks me to help as she will flip out unless im there.

Meaning I've barely got alone time with my eldest. I am riddled with guilt every day. Hes quite shy and sensitive and I want to help.build his confidence. It is so hard to get 1 to 1 time when my youngest constantly whinges for me climbs all over me I just feel awful

I seen a video on tik tok. Before of a woman saying now her baby is 8 weeks old she can get alone time with her eldest and leave the youngest with dad or family members ????? I wish I could do that. Youngest was so fussy as a newborn cried constantly. It has took its toll on me and now when I get snippets with my eldest I feel like an awful person for having a 2nd baby

I feel like the worst mum ever and I cant control and( nor can my youngest) My youngest baby's temperment

When I was pregnant (it was accidental. Didn't want any other kids for a while) i just hoped and assumed id get a good sleeper who was calm and would just 'slot in' to our family

Yeah. I hate seeing poster on MN say 2nd/3rd/4th DC ‘just slot in’. That’s their experience. It’s not universal and it completely ignores the fact you are giving birth to a human with a personality. Some babies are just a lot more difficult than others.

Your DH could do better though. He just needs to get on with it even if she’s being a nightmare. Running back to you every time she’s kicking up a fuss won’t help anyone.

Other than that, just hang on in there. My second was a lot easier than my first (he was more of a ‘just slot in’ kinda baby, which was nice after my first who was extremely challenging). Despite this, I still found the transition really difficult. You are trying to meet the needs of 2 tiny humans who need all of you.

Youngest is 2 now and we are beginning to reap the benefits. This will be a distant memory eventually.

My youngest only ever wanted me and my now ex was useless and never wanted to help with either of them really so it was a really difficult juggling act and he didn't sleep for about 2 years so god only knows how we survived other then we had a lot of help from my family. They were great at giving me eldest one on one time until I got to a place that I could do it occasionally. It's a slog and it's awful and my youngest is largely the reason that I know I don't want another baby. He is 6 now and his sister is 8 and things have been far more settled for years and I can actually enjoy being a parent most of the time now. Him going to nursery at 3 really helped me as while he hated going he was fine while there and it did wonders for his independence and I got some identity back too. People who say the best days are when they are tiny either had lots of help, very easy kids/a big age gap or have blocked out the trauma. It sounds like you are doing great. Your eldest will be ok and still love you just the same. The parental guilt is awful but try and ignore it. Everything will be ok and these stages don't last for ever even though they feel like they do sometimes

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I know you’re saying “I wish I could do that” about leaving your youngest with others but the reality is- you can do that. Unless you have genuine concerns about your husband’s ability to parent his own child then tomorrow morning you can pack a bag for you & your eldest and head out for the day just the two of you. Your husband can look after his own child for the day. Although I do understand the urge to just give in & help when things get tough you do need to push past that a bit sometimes because actually nobody is learning anything when you always save the day, your 1 year old & your husband have both just been able to avoid dealing with it because you’ve always done it but that is at the expense of time with your eldest which isn’t fair.

As I say even for a few hours pack a bag and head out with eldest for some quality time. You’re not at home to help so your husband will have to just work it out as we all do with our kids. None of them come with an instruction manual, we all have our own ways of settling them. My husband settles & plays with our daughter completely differently to how I do, but it works for them and they have been able to create their own habits because I didn’t always jump in immediately- even though there was absolutely times when I wanted to just to keep the peace. They need time & space to grow their own bond, and your eldest needs time with mummy.

Yeah Dh gives up easily regarding settling. Which is probably why I struggle more

I am part time I work 3 days a week but one day off my mum is off too. I may ask her to have my youngest from time to time so I can have time with my eldest each week

Take yourself out of the vicinity OP so that he can’t just give up. As I say get up tomorrow, pack a bag, head out with eldest. Your husband can parent his own child but for as long as you step in he will never do the hard bits because why would he, when he doesn’t have to?