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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I would invite you but....

15 replies

BBQmuncher · 12/07/2025 17:11

Background - all my DC have disabilities, I have very little support in RL and going out and meetings my friends/socialising is very difficult as there is rarely anyone to look after them and I cannot leave them unattended. Very occasionally, I can get someone to help me out but it's not often.

A friend turned 40 last week and had a big party. She said just before the party (we know each other through work and chatted over lunch break about her birthday) that she would have invited me but she didn't as she knows I struggle to get childcare. This week, another friend I know from the school run has a similar conversation with me. Got me thinking that this has happend quite a bit over the last two years. granted, often have to turn invitations down but why do people do it? I am actually pretty upset to be told I am not invited as I have caring responsibilities .and what is the worse that can happen. They invite me and I let them know if I can make it or not (I always do in good time and stick to it). Aibu to find it upsetting?

OP posts:

shirtyshirt · 12/07/2025 17:13

I think it's mean, I would always invite someone in your position no matter how much they turned it down.

Pancakeflipper · 12/07/2025 17:15

I wonder if they think that you get upset at having been asked and having to refuse, so they think it's kinder to not have you having to apologise?

I know how you feel. One of our children has disabilities and when they were younger it really restricted our lives and I didn't asked to events by family/friends as they knew it would be hard for me to join them and I'd feel sad (and I'd feel sad not being asked at all!).

minipie · 12/07/2025 17:17

I agree with you, surely it would be better to invite you and say “understand you may not be able to come but just in case it happens to work”

MascaraGirl · 12/07/2025 17:18

It would be more considerate to invite you, even if they know you couldn’t attend, but I can sort of see the other side, if you can never make it?

Original poster

BBQmuncher · 12/07/2025 17:19

MascaraGirl · 12/07/2025 17:18

It would be more considerate to invite you, even if they know you couldn’t attend, but I can sort of see the other side, if you can never make it?

Occasionally I can. I turn the majority down but I the 40th is quite a good friend and I was hoping to be able to make it only to be told I won't be invited because of the DC.

OP posts:

Grammarninja · 12/07/2025 17:21

I think what might be happening is that they don't want to seem insensitive or tone deaf to your situation by inviting you when you can't come. Kinda like inviting someone to a restaurant that you know they can't afford.
They're trying not to upset you but have accidentally ended up doing so, I think.

shirtyshirt · 12/07/2025 17:23

but I can sort of see the other side, if you can never make it

I don't understand this. If I invite someone and they let me know they can't come particularly if they struggle to get out why would it bother me?

WearyAuldWumman · 12/07/2025 17:25

It's horrible.

My late DH was a stroke victim and had hemiparesis. I was his carer, but worked full-time for most of that period.

His ex lost two partners. I felt sorry for her after the second death and volunteered to take her to a hospital appointment.

On the way home, she told me that she was going on an 18th birthday weekend with her daughter and granddaughter. I just said "Oh, that's nice," thinking it was a girls' trip only.

The daughter and son sent me a bouquet of flowers: "Thanks for helping Mum."

When the daughter put up the pics of the birthday trip on FB - "Dysfunctional Blended Family on Tour - there was the ex, the daughter, granddaughter...son, son's partner and the daughter's best friend.

Some months later - the first time that we saw the daughter and granddaughter after that trip - DH asked his daughter why he'd not been invited. "Oh. I didn't think you'd want to come."

How would she know? She didn't ask him.

Love51 · 12/07/2025 17:26

My DH is inclined to do this and I don't know why. For example, my kid teenager is in a show that is in an area of interest of DHs sister. I suggest he invites his sister, and he counters with "she might not be able to make it." Well, she might not, that's why I suggested asking her, not booking her a ticket without checking!
Similar incidents with friends.
Is it that they can't cope with rejection? Or what? Anyone who does this care to elaborate?
I've known a few other people do it over the years @OP It must get frustrating when it's all the time.

Annascaul · 12/07/2025 17:26

They probably don't want you to feel pressured into trying to do something you can't. The fact that they mentioned it at all shows there's nothing malicious in it.
Misguided - maybe?

2chocolateoranges · 12/07/2025 17:35

It's a bit unthoughtful of your friend . They could still have asked you and let you decide yourself.

I can remember being pregnant and my close friends had a BBQ which i found out about the day after. I was so hurt and angry when they told me they hadn't Invited me because I was pregnant. I was the first in our friendship group to have a baby and I thought it was pretty hurtful.

TBH it's affected our friendship, I still see them but I'm a bit more distant.

8isgreat · 12/07/2025 17:43

This is a case of there not being one set way that would be guaranteed to work best for everyone.

Some people feel awkward at having to keep saying no to social engagements, and if they are going through a time where they have to often say no, they’d rather not be invited at all.
Others, to avoid saying the no they wanted to say, will say yes to something, then inevitably stress about all the things they have to do to be able to attend.

If you have experienced this yourself, or know people who have explained this to you, you may be more inclined to say something like, “I would have invited you but…”. It’s a way of letting someone off when you have a suspicion that they may prefer not to attend for whatever reason and may feel uncomfortable about it.

Original poster

BBQmuncher · 12/07/2025 17:47

8isgreat · 12/07/2025 17:43

This is a case of there not being one set way that would be guaranteed to work best for everyone.

You see, I feel I can make this decision myself. On occasion I can attend. I am not getting upset but having to say no (it's just part of my life). I think it also stung to see the SM pics with most of the colleagues in attendance.

but maybe you are right. Maybe not even inviting me (and pointing this out to my face) comes from a kindness. I never considered this.

OP posts:

AgnesX · 12/07/2025 17:48

It's really shitty. It's nice to feel included - and cared about.

Scabber · 12/07/2025 18:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP and can see why you're upset.

But I have a bit of insight from the other side. My best friend has two disabled children and is in a similar position to you. I would always invite her to things, with no pressure and lots of notice. However, whether she realised or not, her replies always sounded like I was hounding her to meet up and stressing her out. Sometimes the invite was just 'if you're ever free in the next 6 weeks or so' and I could go to her etc. It has made me reluctant to suggest anything nowadays. When we do meet up, she's lovely and great company .

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