To feel drained and downhearted

[Futurehappiness]

My adult DS comes home at the weekends from his care home, I was giving him a wash this morning. He has severe physical disabilities so a shower or bath is a major undertaking (we will bath him tomorrow) but I had to freshen him up in the heat.

I had a basin of water & soap. He kept trying to grab the basin & I kept warding him off. Then he grabbed the flannel, squeezed it so the water went everywhere and splashed me & DH with it so distracted me for a moment. DH was laughing at that point which just encouraged DS.... he succeeded in grabbing the basin and turned it upside down so the water went everywhere - all over the floor soaking 2 big rugs. It took us ages to clean it up, then when I left all the furniture & rugs upended to dry I had to finish washing DS who was still covered with soap.

DS has severe learning difficulties but still knew exactly what he was doing.....the house is now in disarray for the weekend while everything dries. I feel so cross but also really downhearted. My weekends with DS are precious, I have a stressful job and look forward to them all week. There are lots of situations like this to deal with, some even worse.

I do find it very hard to keep going, it is all so thankless. When colleagues ask me on Monday how my weekend was I won't be telling them about this, I won't want to drag the mood down and nobody really wants to hear. It is all very isolating

I think perhaps there is more to this in that this incident was the icing on the cake and is much bigger in your mind than it ordinarily would be. You sound exhausted and in need of more support. Can you access any to help out?

Water and dampness will dry quickly from furnishings in this heat. Your son had a bit of fun and lightness in his day. Yes, you ended up spending time clearing up but it’ll be no different to the time people spend blowing up paddling pools and sorting out various outdoor toys and furniture.

“How was your weekend?”
”I got to see my son and he had great fun soaking us!”

Sorry I'm really not meaning to be patronising but just wanted to ask, are you not entitled to free care to wash him each morning from the council? That way you can have more pleasure time with him and less stress. Action for carers is a brilliant place to start to get any and all help you are entitled to. I'm sure you've already got all that covered but just wanted to make sure.

I care for my LO with dementia and trust me I get the frustration but mine is not just water, its other fluids... and it feels like nothing ever goes right doesn't it? And you think I know you have disabilities but you aren't stupid, why do you do this, is it to wind me up or what? So you've got a big hug and hand hold from me.

I mean this really kindly as I support people to access living arrangements away from home who primarily have LD but does he have to come home every weekend?

Thank you all for responding. We get care & support for our DS at the weekends though we pay for it ourselves. There are limits on what is provided however.

@rebeccachoc : I will check in on Action for Carers in case there is anyone else, that is a good idea. DS is actually resident at a care home during the week however so I am not sure whether he would be entitled to anything more but we can of course try. I am sorry you are also dealing with the difficulties of caring for a dependent adult and thank you for your understanding of this.

And oh yes I know about dealing with 'other fluids' as well.....I once put a post on here about toileting and MN put a trigger warning on it, obviously somebody complained about a post which described the realities of dealing with disabled adults. And it really really isn't at all like looking after 'naughty children'.

Sounds really tough OP. Hope you have time to do something nice for yourself as well.

We could probably leave him at the care home @Titasaducksarse but I really do value our time with him as well. I am in my 60s now and won't be able to care for him for ever so feel I want to do as much as I can while I can.

I'm so sorry to hear someone that was pathetic enough to report your post about toileting, it's something we all do so I'm not sure why it needs a trigger warning. Maybe they should live our lives for a bit then see how easy they have just reading about our issues!

BTW another thing I thought about, if you are registered as a carer with your GP, you can apply for an annual break payment. This varies from £300-£500 depending on the funding and it is to pay for whatever you need to give yourselves a break, like paying a carer to watch your son for a few more hours at the weekend when things get on top of you etc. I'm not 100% sure you are entitled as you son is looked after during the week, but do ask your GP.

I'm here if you want to vent, this is my 3rd family member I've cared for full time with dementia and 4th with cancer so I've seen and done it all sadly. Please take care x

Thanks so much @rebeccachoc for your kind post. Yes it was really pathetic that anyone could react like that through reading a post about having to clean up mess: ie our needing to scrub the stair carpet in the middle of the night because DS came downstairs on his bottom (he can't walk). Someone read that and saw fit to complain about my post; obviously I should have kept quiet about the realities of caring, put up and shut up.

To MN credit they removed the trigger warning when I complained about it; I know these usually relate to posts about highly sensitive subjects, rather than something that we all do.

I am sorry that you have had such tough times, nobody who has not done caring can have any idea about the reality of what it is like. Carers should receive far more respect than they do.

Please take care of yourself too.❤