Tell me I’m being ridiculous

[sewsewsewyourboats]

Have two dds one is 21 and lives at home we are v close and do lots together. The other is 28 and has her own house, she has always been included in stuff but will sometimes make comments about compulsory attendance which is not the case at all. I feel like she comes because she doesn’t want to miss out rather than because she wants to.
She bought her own house last year about 30 min away we see her a couple times a month (she’s busy with work etc) it’s more me making arrangements but if I leave it to her she gets upset and says I’m not making a effort.
a few months ago I had a accident and have had limited mobility since. I can’t currently drive either. So seeing her has been reliant on someone driving me (if my pain is tolerable )
to her or her visiting. At first she came every couple weeks and I visited a few times. She came Father’s Day , then was on holiday the following week, had 2 weeks at home (didn’t come as busy/tired and I couldn’t get to her) had another week away. The day before she went away the second time I rang for a chat she didn’t answer, so I sent message no reply. She had week away , didn’t ring on return so I rang the next day no answer and messaged asking if she would like to visit this weekend. She messaged the following day saying had good time too tired to visit. She’s away next weekend so will be at least 7 weeks before I see her.

aibu to feel a bit sad she doesn’t want to see us/ doesn’t answer calls. She does this from time to time where we go from messaging /calls a few times a week to total silence for days/weeks. I find it hard because if I didn’t respond to her she would be furious and take it as a slight. Also they live 10 min from in-laws and see them a lot more than us so I admit it bothers me she makes more effort with them.
i guess I compare because younger dd still lives with us and we hang out a lot but it’s much more natural. We also talk/text daily when she’s at her bf or working.
Aibu to want to see dd a couple times a month and had regular calls /messages?

I’m a bit worried your younger DD will feel an unspoken pressure to stay at home and meet your emotional needs, rather than go out and start her own life.

Other DD - I get it, you want to see your beloved daughter. Just keep contacting her and reaching out. She’s establishing her own life.

I don't think yabu, it's rude of her to just completely ignore your calls/messages. However, things could be very different from her pov, have you had any big fall outs in the past with her? Is she harbouring some resentment about something?

YANBU to feel a bit sad at the change in contact you have with your daughter but she is establishing her own life outside of the family bubble she's been in for a long time so you need to adjust your expectations.

Op at her age honestly did you keep so in contact with your parents? If I was your daughter and read your post I’d think Jesus talk about keeping tally! I don’t think you’re unreasonable to miss her and of course keep in contact and keep trying but let her live without guilt too (I know you probably don’t let her know how you feel but just in case x)

No big fall outs. She was a difficult teen at times but nothing major.

She’s saving for a house, she also lived away for uni . Definitely no pressure I just wondered if I’m unfairly comparing.

Its perfectly normal to feel sad, but it's also normal for kids to turn into adults and have less contact as they move away. Your daughter us an adult and has her own life.

I do keep lists in my head it’s true (I’m autistic I think it’s the way my brain works)
I grew up in a abusive home so very different situation and makes it harder for me to compare. At that age I probably saw my mum and dad once a month and spoke maybe every couple weeks (pre mobiles) but I had friends who saw their parents weekly and spoke daily so assumed I was less close due to my childhood.

My eldest left home at 18 for uni and has never lived here fulltime since then.
He comes here once a month or so and we usually have a good talk. Lots of shared interests and similar principles. Occasional WhatsApp in between.

Another son lives at home. We pass the time of day, talk about the cats and whether it's his turn to do the dishwasher. Hardly ever talk about anything important. No shared interests.

They grow up and we have to negotiate a new relationship. The quality of the relationship is not defined by how often you see one another.

I think it’s very family dependent & depends on the relationship you had before moving out. My husband didn’t have a close relationship with his parents when he lived with them so he really doesn’t now that he doesn’t live with them, see’s them at best maybe every other month, sometimes longer, a check in text once a month possibly.

On the other hand I had a really close relationship with my own parents when living at home, so did my sister, and even now that we all have our own homes we still speak every day in our family group chat and we all see each other at least once a week.

Honestly, you sound a bit needy, which is hard work in a parent, and she’s probably just in a busy period of her life.

I actually think it’s rude of your daughter to ignore you for weeks at a time. She is clearly busy and living life which is great but takes 30 seconds to text “all good here mum. I’ll call soon” etc.

Just keeping doing you and try not to keep tally as it’s pointless and achieves nothing but builds resentment.

Were you EVER as close to your eldest daughter as you are to your youngest OP?

Do you invite her just to visit? Which if you do it just sounds like come and see me. My mum and dad used to invite me round for tea once a week after work and that’s when I would see them, I’m 40 now and probably see them every 2 weeks, my younger sister probably sees them at least twice a week but she lives by them and doesn’t have any kids so much easier for her.

There's no standard normal, everyone has different relationships with parents, even siblings with same parent. Don't compare, appreciate them for who your daughter's are individually. You know this is how she is. Change your expectations to align with this, otherwise you'll keep setting yourself up for disappointment.

YABU to compare your daughters. It’s natural that you have more contact with the one that lives at home.
What I’m noticing in your post is that you’re focussing on how often you see /chat to each daughter, rather than the quality of the contact. You can see/chat to someone everyday and have no clue how they are doing, whilst you can also have a meaningful conversation once a month (heck, once a year) with someone and get to know how they’re re really doing. It sounds like you want to see your daughters often to have your needs met but are less interested in the quality of the conversation? Would you say your daughter actually feels you’re interested in her life, or just keeping a tally of how often she visits /calls? Because she’s never going to win that one as your other daughter lives at home, so she’s probably fed up even trying.

How was your relationship before she left home? How is your relationship with her partner?

One of mine I see weekly, one once a month and one once every couple of months. They’ve got stuff going on and I’m glad that they are living their lives (so am I).

We know that we would drop everything if needed and we know that we love each other. No pressure, no tally. We do check in regularly, either text or messenger sometimes there’s a gig happening that one thinks I would like or one of us saw a cute/funny clip we think someone else will like.

Let her live her life.

I wouldn't worry, she's in her 20s, living her life, running her own home, going on holiday, working. She's busy, you're not her priority right now which is a bit sad, but she might come back again. I was very self absorbed in my 20s but once I hit 30 and my mum got older I became much more aware of her needs. Just be there for her, in a way, she's still growing up. If you're worried, maybe focus on something particular to you both, do you have anything in common (cinema, music etc) that could spur something that would be quality time for the 2 of you. My mum and I do a pilates class and have lunch once a month and it's fixed in the diary and we both enjoy it , just the 2 of us. Rather than just random calls or family time, it might help you bond as adults

We were close when she was little although she was always a bit of a daddies girl (ex husband)
less close in teens and closer as a adult. Whereas relationship with younger dd has been consistently close.

just to visit I guess (unless an event) but if she was coming after work or at lunch food would be a given.

Relationship was good, I love her partner he’s fab.

She's just busy. It's fantastic she has a busy life and isn't stuck at home dependent on her parents like a lot of young people. I message my kids every couple of days, they usually message back within a couple of days but if they don't I don't keep score. I see one adult kid once a week (mid week) as he lives near enough to drop by on his way home from work for dinner, the other only about once a month as she is further out and I go into town to meet her.

So long as they are messaging you back about once a week to once a fortnight and you are still sharing important news it sounds pretty average. And she's not making more effort with her in laws she just lives nearer to them by the sounds of it.

You raised an independent, busy young woman who has a rich life of her own, which is the goal. All relationships fluctuate in intensity. Just keep casually inviting and messaging her once a week or so, with no guilt or undercurrent for the time being, at least that's what I would do.