Holiday

[Jmcg3011]

I need advice. My ex partner who I was with for 10 years and have two kids 7 and 5 with left suddenly sept 2024. Everything has been fine n now suddenly he says after less than I believe four months (tried to come for “one night” to me) he’s saying he wants to take my kids away for a weekend away with his new partner that they have only met once. I have Sed I’m not comfortable with it just yet but I’m getting harassed that I’m wrong and I should allow it. Am I wrong?

It sounds like nice thing to do in the summer holidays. It'll break it up a bit.

What do the kids want? Have you asked them?

If you (and your ex of course) could meet up somewhere neutral with your children and his girlfriend, maybe for a coffee, followed by a playground - or maybe vice versa would be better, when your children have managed to run off some energy - then you should be able to get at least some idea of his girlfriend, and how she interacts with your children, and obviously, how they are around her.

I'm not sure from your OP @Jmcg3011 whether your ex has ever had the children stay overnight with just him, yet? If not, I think that that needs to happen at least a couple of times whilst near you, to make sure that they don't get upset while away from you for the first time. After you have met the girlfriend and seen her with your little ones, if you still feel really uneasy about the prospect, then ask your ex that the 4 of them have a few daytime outings first, to see how things go.

One other thing, if your ex already has them overnight, or for a weekend, as long as he stays in this country with them, I don't think you can stop him from taking them away for a couple of days, either with or without his girlfriend.
Good luck in getting it all sorted out amicably 🌻

If he has parental responsibility it won't matter what you think, he's legally allowed to have them.

You have no choice. He's their father and allowed to take them on holiday if he wants.

I would want ro meet the partner first and def not overseas

4 months is too short in my opinion and I think your ex is not thinking of the kids but just his relationship. Who is to say that their relationship is going to work and the kids would have been ‘forced’ to like / make an effort with the new person.

I guess if it’s out of your hands it’s just about talking to your ex first. Best wishes and sorry you are having to deal with this so soon.

Unfortunately like others say, even though you are their mum and your concerns are valid, you aren’t really in a position to say no.

What level of contact have the kids had with him since the break up? If it’s regular , has included overnights and you haven’t had any welfare concerns then you’ve no real grounds to refuse, although it certainly isn’t ideal that you haven’t met his partner and the kids have met her only once!
If the contact has been absent/irregular and there has been no overnights then I’d be saying no.
If it’s the former situation, could you ask to meet his partner first. How amenable he’ll be will depend of course on how he has been in general since the split.

As hard as it is (I do understand from your perspective as I’ve been there and still am) your children’s dad has a right to also make decisions on what’s suitable for the children and their wellbeing.

Maybe speak with the children yourself and see how they feel without hinting how you feel about it and go from there? At such a young age they will probably more than likely just see this as an exciting adventure!

My children’s dad decided to tell me after out 10 year relationship he was moving in with someone else, my children have a bedroom set up for them to stay at his new partners home so will be staying with her every other weekend before the kids had even met her - there was no point me trying to battle it. it was actually harder for me to grasp than my kids. Kids are happy and have adapted well apart from the massive confusion of their dad moving on so quickly and telling them they have a “second mum” after only knowing her for 3 months…. But that’s another issue in itself 😅.

A weekend away may be a good bonding time for them all? I do understand how hard this is for you though and sorry you are having to go through this.

Unfortunately, what he does during his parenting time, unless the children are in direct danger, is not your choice. You may not introduce a new partner so quickly, but he has equal right to make decisions based on his own opinions. You cant stop visitation just because you disagree with parenting choices he is making.

It’s not ideal but he is their parent and he can decide what is right for your children just as much as you can.

My concern would solely be that this partner doesn’t even know your kids, how you parent or anything. I really don’t think he should be taking them on holiday with her. I’m in agreement with you completely.

There’s no way on earth I’d allow that (though my daughter is AuDHD and she wouldn’t go anyway) but even without that, what if she completely undermines your parenting?

I feel it’s more appropriate for you to get to know her a little bit first. Is she going to allow dad to parent how he normally would and take a step back? Or is she going to be saying, for example, you’ve been naughty, go on the naughty step (which would absolutely not fit with me).

I’d calmly explain that you’re not yet comfortable with it and you don’t think it’s fair on the kids. Suppose it depends if he’s a dick or not as to whether he’ll listen 😔

He is their dad. He gets to decide if he takes them away and who else is invited on the holiday. That is one of many shit sandwiches on the blanket of a breakup involving children.

When you break up with someone, you don’t then get to tell their next partner how to step-parent your kids. In most scenarios you don’t get a say, unless the co-parenting is really amicable and their next partner is a saint!

Absolutely not.
YANBU
Kids do not need to meet new partners so soon. Why can't he just parent alone and see her when tou have the kids. It infuriates me when (usually) men want to play happy families with a new partner so soon. Mate it's not about you but about the kids. Too much upheaval for them.

Absolutely not, yes he can legally but I’d not allow it, let him take you to court, my experience and from what I see with others 95% of the time the mother has the best interests of the child and a lot of younger fathers are like man babies, I don’t care how sexist it sounds, I wouldn’t want my child going away with a stranger and obviously the dads not a good father as he doesn’t give a shit!!!

Do you know what your kids think/would want.
I'd suggest seeing if you can meet the new partner again and to see if you can build a pattern of regular contact (not sure if this is happening or not, your original post doesn't seem to say whether he left and vanished or left and has them every other weekend). If they regularly stay with him, I'd definitely let them go. If they've never stayed with him, I'd speak to him about getting that in place first if possible. Ultimately he is there dad and if they can maintain a relationship it'll be good for them and it'll give you a break.

Unfortunately it’s not for you to “allow” if he is their dad and it’s on his time with them it is his decision. I totally get how you would feel uncomfortable but it’s not your decision to make.