What to do about 'friends' putting DS in headlock and bruising his neck

[ProbablyNotAPlan]

Ds is 12 and has come home twice this week with blood rash/bruising marks on his neck. He insists that it's just his mates messing around play fighting and putting each other in headlocks. He said he doesn't really get involved but they will come up behind him and grab him. I'm completely aware that boys do muck about but hes come home bruised around the throat twice this week and im genuinely concerned that it all sounds way too rough. Dh thinks im being overly sensitive.
This is my first time parenting a teenage boy and I only have sisters so im not sure how on earth to handle it. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Honestly, this is very normal for teenage boys. They're feral monsters in a pack. If DS seems happy and himself and ok, I'd trust him. It's sounds barbaric but a lot of teenage boys are barbaric. As long as they're barbaric to each other in a kind of weird mutual way that teenage boys tend to be, they grow out of it (kind of).

I'd have a slight red flag that he says he doesn't get involved but I'd suspect it's more "mum will be mad if I say I put other boys in headlocks so I'll just say I stay out of it". I'd suggest DH have a chat, see what he thinks after the chat, and if he still thinks that it's normal teen stuff, not to worry.

I had three older brothers. It's not dissimilar in weirdness to how teenage girls will post "omg I hate you" on an Instagram picture of a friend and it's actually a compliment.

I'd be horrified - they could seriously injure him. I would be livid with the boys and would report it to school.

Thank you ConfusedSloth, it's such a contrast to parenting Dd who is 16 now I suppose it's going to take a bit of getting used to!
His friends are a bit rough to be honest we took them all paint balling a few weeks ago and it was absolutely feral so I am inclined to believe that it probably is a case of them all just play fighting albeit just too rough but I do still worry about him getting injured.

mambojambodothetango I did mention contacting the school just to have a bit of a general word about them being seen putting each other in headlocks and how its not appropriate but Dh thinks im being way over the top.

Im thinking that contacting the school but keeping ds anonymous might be our best bet? Just say we're a bit concerned about the bruising on his neck and ask them to just have an overall word about them rough play fighting with his friendship group/class?

not normal not normal!

can you imagine how hard your sons neck is being squeezed that it’s bruised? Ignore your hubby and speak to the school - it’s his son’s bloody airway for goodness sake

“I had three older brothers. It's not dissimilar in weirdness to how teenage girls will post "omg I hate you" on an Instagram picture of a friend and it's actually a compliment.”
… so somehow posting on instagram is similar to bruising someone’s neck? did you seriously just write this?

Yes this was exactly my concern, regardless of the reason why, the injury is my main worry.

I will be contacting the school, hopefully they will take it seriously.

Have you met these friends? Maybe tell your son to invite them for dinner and monitor how they are with him

Yes I have, most of them come from primary school but they all seem to have gone a bit mad since starting in high school and I dont have contact with many of the parents.

He's being choked hard and long enough to leave bruises on his throat and it's happened at least twice this week. This could be extremely dangerous.

If it's happening at school, I'd be there. I would be contacting parents. This is non fatal strangulation. Your husband is being awfully dismissive. Does he want his son to end up in PICU? It doesn't sound like normal horseplay, this sounds very violent. Is he being bullied?

Airways are nothing to play around with.

Don’t want to be encouraging the behaviour. If it was girls bruising each other then something would be done about it. But if needs to be challenged when boys do it too, especially when a child isn’t joining in and they come from behind. If a boy did this to a girl would it be tolerated?

Have you taken him in for a medical check? He should have one.

And take photos of his injuries.

A bruised neck is something to be concerned about. You can do a lot of damage to a person by choking or throttling them and I can't see how else you could get bruises round your neck.

When we were at school there was a trend amongst the girls (aged about 13 or so) for making one another faint, where we pressed on the other person's breast bone till they passed out, I volunteered for it twice, I fainted twice and could easily have bashed my head on something, all as part of a stupid game.

I'd have a word with the school along the lines of "Are you aware that they are putting one another in headlocks that are bad enough to cause abrasions and bruises on their necks? And can you put a stop to it, please?".

You don't need your DHs permission, at all, go ahead and email if you want to.

School won't be letting this happen so OP needs to find out where and when it's happening.

Thanks everyone, it is definitely happening at school. They're in a large secondary school and I think it's mostly happening at lunch/break times. He hasn't seen the boys outside of school this week for it to have happened anywhere else and they all get picked up outside the school because they live out of the area.
I'm going to contact school on Monday, difficult timing with them finishing for summer shortly but hopefully it will be addressed quickly and monitored come september.

His reasoning was, "mum they all do MMA and Jiu jitsu" 🙄he really doesnt seem bothered by it at all which is worrying.

If they do martial arts they know they should only do that in the correct place and that doesn’t include the school playground

Yes, if they do these sports they should know and have been taught that there is a time and a place and the discipline involved in doing them safely,
Besides contacting the school maybe you could contact their club(s) and they might restate the way that the boys should be behaving.