To think that children aren't as good at playing together anymore?

[Hoverflies]

When I am at the park with my dc (6 and 3) I mostly just see children playing with their parents and not really mingling with each other unless they already know each other. My dd has tried a few times to talk to other children at the park and they just stare at her or run off. She is also shy about talking to new children and both DC want us to play with them all the time at the park, just like I see the other parents doing.

I'm not a confident person but I used to love making friends with other children at parks (well usually pub beer gardens in my childhood!) And especially on holiday, my brother and I would just go up to people and become friends for the rest of the holiday! We are going away soon and I would love that for her but it just never seems to happen and if she ever does interact with other children it feels like I or the other parents always have to intervene in some way which my parents never did. If we argued as kids we just had to work it out and not come crying to them every five minutes!

This isn't to say that I don't want to spend time with my kids, but I just want them to be able to play more with other children and for parents to actually sit and talk to each other and finish a sentence!

I think it's a symptom, partly, of mothers in particular being time poor. 50-80 years ago they'd be generally keeping house, having the kids back for lunch at school, the kids would come home and just play and potter about with mum around cooking, cleaning, baking etc

They didn't have endless organised clubs, two parents working full time etc there's this weird expectation in women, that they have to somehow be a house wife and a full time worker and have the time to spend with the kids despite them all being out of the house longer than ever before. Otherwise you're failing as a mother.

Just to add, I don't actively play with my kids that much. Maybe this has helped them be more inventive in play? I did when they were really young but now they have each other and they are 3 and 4 so close enough in age I get a lot less involved. At home I mostly build a train track/ marble run, do some art or baking. I just refuse to pretend to be a monster for an hour.

Brambillabits on Instagram is good - she's all about independent play. The phrase she uses in "present but unavailable"

We also get out the house quite a bit and do 1 hour of TV time in the evening most days

So sad :(

A lot of parents don't like their children mixing with random children. Their anti social attitude will rub off on their children and a lot of adults will sadly see no fault with that.

Apologies my DS4 would want to make your child run off 😂

He is very social but most kids would ask you if you want to play with them, or ask how old you are whereas my DS will just start a 50 word sentence about something mundane that happened at pre school three months ago 😂 freaks other children out when just a hi my name is x would suffice.

Interesting! I've also noticed this on holiday and I do think there is a cultural aspect to it. Anecdotally find that white, middle class Londoners and suburbanite children tend to be the most unfriendly. My three year old has regularly been snubbed in playgrounds and church playgroups in the "naive" parts of London where we live when he has gone up and said hello to other kids. Not only did they not want to play, it was like they were baffled as to why he had approached them.
I find it a bit sad to be honest with you.
My son is half Indian and VERY extroverted, mind. Perhaps not everyone's cup of tea. But across the board I agree with the OP, I just don't see kids in general interacting with one another in playgrounds and public spaces the way we used to when I was a child in the late 80s early 90s. I was chronically shy and even I made little friends on holiday

My DS was the same age as madeline mccann. Didn't turn me or any other parents I knew into neurotic helicopter parents

Agree with you OP, my DC has always been very friendly since they were a baby. Most kids will just look at him if they wave or smile and says do you want to play or would you like to be my friend. Luckily there's one child who will play and they'll have fun together.

Most kids seem to have zero social skills! I've noticed myself if I smile at them they just look blankly.

It doesn’t surprise me.

It’s sad really.

I was a very very shy kid but was friends with every kid in the neighbourhood.

My first DD was pretty shy, didn’t speak to anyone for about 7 years but had such great non verbal skills she managed to make lots of friends. And when she finally did speak and we would go to the park, she would make friends - she was an only so it was either that or play alone.

I now have a baby - and I can feel that his generation will be so different.

If I think about what contributed to my social skills, I’d definitely say parents that were present and were invested in your language - they both worked, but were around. But also I wasn’t suffocated by them - yes they stood up for me, but they also reminded me when I was wrong.

I agree with the PPs that mention overthinking parenting - I don’t parent my kids based on what I see on social media or the latest trend etc - and I can imagine the information overload some parents must feel.

I don't, I think most people are neurotic and anxious and it rubs off on their kids. A kid who can't smile at another kid is odd, I'm talking 3 and 4 year olds.

Sorry but that's stupid. Madeline Mccann was kidnapped because her parents went off and had dinner and left her alone. That's neglectful parenting, and most normal people wouldn't do that, very different from having your child out of sight for one second 😆

Totally agree, how many neurotic parents put that into their children then wonder about the rise in mental health issues yet dont see a connection

Exactly ! Hopefully that led to other parents not leaving their young children home/at hotel alone at night.

We played out when I was a child (70s) but it was always with other children that we knew such as children from the same street. I don't remember playing with random children in parks.

I don't think it's just children. Adults are also less sociable. It's probably coming down from that.

As a child I was always out, knocking for my friends to come out and play, I did one after school activity and Brownies/guides. These days kids are at an activity most days. We didn't have tablets or streaming services, or social media.

In the past 6 years, we've gone from 5 days in the office to none, to 2, 3 or 4 days. It's taken the social aspect of an adults day away. People no longer go for lunch, or drinks after work. Everyone is in their own little bubble(and see going into the office as a chore) and keen to get home.

Covid and lockdowns made everyone subconsciously see socialising as bad. We see it on here how so many found the time they spent with their family bliss, and how nice it was they didn't have to socialise.

My DC never ever wanted to make friends with children in parks and especially not on holiday. They just liked spending time with us and each other.

Another teacher here. A lot of parents are so careful with their children that they don’t let them be upset for a minute. They don’t let them feel bored or sad they can’t do something. It’s interesting watching children with their parents at school pick up and how they can switch from perfectly pleasant to entitled and moaning! Then the horror on their parents face that their child is going to be upset for a moment so they are quickly pacified. Playing with other children, who may upset their child, probably isn’t worth the risk to some parents!

Depends on the children really. As the parent of an only child, the biggest issue we see is siblings not wanting to socialise outside their family, rather than the adults being too involved. Lots of “that’s MY sibling, you can’t play with them/us” or not having the social skills to interact with children they don’t already know well (eg negotiating, sharing, deciding how to play).

And to be clear, it’s not because of the standard parent claim that the siblings are such good pals that they don’t need anyone else, as they fight and whine with each other the entire time! They just haven’t been taught to socialise with new people, and there are some undesirable possessive or dependent vibes there.

To be fair, COVID has had a lingering effect on parks in our area. A lot of equipment was taken away by some batshit power hungry council worker and has NEVER been replaced. They removed every other swing to encourage distancing, removed benches, took away roundabouts. The parks are in such a bad state of repair compared to pre-covid. It's a real shame.

Hi OP,
Do you ever go to the park with children yours are friends with from school? My DS is 6, and I regularly collect 1 or 2 friends of his from school without their parents, as do they. They play really well, they sort out pushing each other on equipment, involving my DD 4 too, and I can sit and leave them to it. Similarly, at our home they move around our living room/dining room/his bedroom/garden amusing themselves, I just sort snacks/dinner. I occasionally join in and play some board or garden games, but I’ve noticed such a shift through Year 1 in terms of being much less needed, which is great for their play.

Agree with this, I also think it's nursery. Children are only used to playing with the children they "know".

I live in Switzerland and its the opposite here. Home ownership is low and most people rent so the canton really invests in public spaces & activities. This means when a block of flats or housing development is built there is usually a park on site/area for kids to play. They have toy libraries throughout the city where you pay £20 per year and can rent toys every month, but it's a space for parents to meet with kids every day. In the summer they have a 2 month schedule where they load up some of the toys onto buses and take them around to various parks for the kids to play. They have summer activities/workshops that run daily in parks for kids. Once a year there are a neighbourhood partys in all the different areas of the canton. All the parks are well maintained with brilliant playgrounds, no rubbish, most have sand pits and alot of them have big paddling pools for kids in the summer. No 2 playgrounds are the same they really try to make them different and they have big play areas. The park keepers go round each morning collecting litter, cleaning, checking the pool. It's incredible and really the spirit of community is encouraged- parks are always busy and kids are always playing together, sharing, parents meeting people. After school kids play outside their flat in the communal park onsite.
When we return to the UK we find that the parks are empty, poorly maintained - broken. My 4 year old asked me recently why there was so much rubbish in the park, and why it was broken and why weren't there any kids?
It's sad really but I think alot of parents stay at home and the public spaces are not very inviting.

I was an only child and I hardly ever played with a random child at a park in my life 40 years ago, I just enjoyed the swings and slides etc - in fact pairing up on a seesaw or roundabout could lead to injury back then- I didn't trust other kids not to jump off while you were at the top, or spin the roundabout too fast! I played out plenty at home though with my friends.

My DDs did as often they would know a few other kids there after school etc, but I didn't particularly encourage them to befriend randoms, just as I don't approach people I don't know in the pub as an adult.

This is one of the main benefits of having a football obsessed child. He'll bring a football nearly everywhere we go, and there's always at least one in the car for emergencies. He'll run up to other kids and ask if they want a game, or ask if he can join in if others are playing.

We were out last week and he made a friend within seconds, by the end of it they were walking around with arms over each others shoulders, acting like besties. When we left I asked about his friend, yeah yeah, really liked him, he was class etc. no idea what the kids name was but I knew who he supported and his favourite players.

Even on holiday, he ended up playing with kids most days who barely spoke English. Just match after match.

He is an only child though so I wonder if that makes a difference?

That's sad. It's natural for children to want to play together. They're not randoms and actually adults like meeting new adults too. I think it's a personality thing tbh. Your DDs have probably got this from you.