I need perspective

[Liftupnotpulldown]

as the title says, I need perspective on a personal problem that is eating me up.
My DS and wife invited me to go on holiday with them to a long haul destination before Xmas last year. I was really excited and totally got on board with the ‘ making new memories to last a life time’. We even booked and paid for a few day trips. However, over the space of a several weeks, the destination was changed numerous times ( I wasn’t involved in these decisions but I was ok with them) and then my DS came round to tell me that the holiday with me was now cancelled. He has actually rebooked the holiday for next year but I am no longer invited. No reason was given to why I was no longer invited, only that they “ find it difficult to make their minds up” I was also informed that they would be booking another holiday at the same dates I had already booked off work this year for the long haul holiday but again, I was not invited. I did mention how hurt and upset I was at this but my feelings were instantly dismissed and I was told not to take it personally. .
I’ve really tried hard to get past this , tried to draw a line under it, tried to put it into some kind of perspective but I just can’t seem to get over how hurt I am. I see my DS with different eyes now which had lead me to sleepless nights and lots of anxiety. I love him but feel incredibly disappointed that he seems unable to comprehend that I have been treated in such a hurtful way.
I’ve been trying to pluck up courage to talk to him but his first stance is to always be defensive rather than listen. I don’t want this to escalate and him fall out with me He and his wife are very much a ‘ my way or the high way’ couple.
i really have got into a state of I can’t see the situation clearly any longer. I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I’ve been in floods of tears about it this week and really could do with an outside perspective. Do I just take this on the chin and let it go? Am I being unreasonable in the modern way of the world and my expectations are unrealistic? I would welcome your thoughts and if I am being unreasonable I will go away and give my head a hard wobble!

Honestly, it’s highly unlikely that knowing the reason/s why they changed destinations several times and then cancelled altogether and rebooked without you is going to make you feel better about anything. (Were you paying for yourself? Could there be money troubles? I mean, I’d rather cut my own head off than go on holiday with either my parents or my PILs, but they were the ones who invited you in the first place…? )

In your shoes, I’d go somewhere fabulous by myself in the annual leave you’ve already booked off, and put it behind me as just ‘other people’s stuff’.

That sucks OP. He's treated you unfairly and the lack of an attempt at even a perfunctory explanation just rubs salt in the wound. Take it as a lesson to trust him less - and please go on the holiday anyway! Take a friend or go on your own - and send him lots of pictures of how much fun you're having 😉

Very hurtful but your choices are limited. Call him out on it and you risk alienating them both, don't say anything and it's a green card for discounting your feelings.

Step back and think of it in terms of they probably don't get much time off together and don't want a 3rd person on their holidays, they want couple time.

I'd just say how disappointing and look to do a holiday on my own doing something I love.

I would be very disappointed to be treated this way and my feelings would be beyond hurt . But something inside me would harden and I would move on but not forget. I would book a holiday for myself and adjust to the fact your son is an adult with his own mind and essentially your job is now done . However, it is a long road with no turn and trust me when they have children all sorts of sacrifices will be expected to be made by you. This is when you say ...sorry doesn't suit and I'm not sure what I'm doing when you need me .....but don't take it personally DS ..you know how hard it is for me to make up my mind .

They don’t want you to go, it’s something you need to get over or you could end up very lonely as you get older.

I miss the laugh emoji for posts like this.

I don’t blame you, that’s really unkind if you got to the point you were booking excursions and then to basically plan another holiday without you.

Could their marriage be in trouble? Could she have suffered a miscarriage you don’t know about or a health issue that is worrying them? Or financial issues? Anything which makes it less directed at you and more about them needing space together?

What does the wife say about it? I’d be so embarrassed to do this to you!

That’s so harsh and selfish!

I would want an explanation too but, honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’ll get once since they didn’t even consult you when changing the destination despite you having booked excursions!

I would just try and move on from it but harden towards them and recognise that they’re clearly more concerned with each other than with you and your feelings.

Agree. Op, they wish they hadn’t invited you. Just accept it

I am so sorry, that is horrible. If one of my sons treated me like that, I would be so upset. I hope you plan a lovely holiday for yourself.

Unfortunately it sounds like they've changed their minds about inviting you. They were hoping that if they kept changing that you'd cancel for them.

I don't blame you for feeling let down, and would find it hard to get over. Can you go on holiday yourself for the time you booked off? It might do you the world of good.

They invited you. Let you plan and book trips. And then just rescinded the invitation?

What a pair of utter gits. Sorry but they are.

I'm afraid I would really take a step back from them. I know he's your ds but he's treated you with contempt here. No regard for you at all.

Now, never accept a travel invitation from them ever again.

Book your own fabulous holiday. Make sure you really treat yourself.

And please, him telling you not to take it personally is a joke. How dare they mess you about like this?

I would be very hurt in your situation.

I think I would allow myself a bit of time to process my feelings and know that they are validated. Then it would be onwards and upwards.

You have time booked off, I assume you were paying your way and have money to pay for a holiday (although I appreciate a holiday for one might be dearer than your original third-share), so book something for yourself.

And it would affect my opinion of the family member. I wouldn't let it ruin the overall relationship, but it would make me think twice about arranging anything with them or for them in the future.

It sounds as though you are on your own and that makes it even harder as there is no-one to mull it over with. It does sound as though they changed their minds about wanting you along with them .... frankly they should never have asked you in the first place if they were not 100% certain that this is what they both wanted. And just to blow you out of the water in such a peremptory fashion is completely out of order.
It is entirely normal for a young couple to want to holiday alone, but to ask you and then uninvite you us fundamentally wrong. They are out of order.
What to do now? ... certainly have yourself a good holiday somewhere, but in the longer term you have to decide what to say to your son. I am guessing that making an issue of it will strain relationships further.
They have not behaved well here.

Perhaps they are ttc or have marital difficulties and have just decided they therefore need alone time.

How disrespectful of them both did you pay for your own trips. How selfish to just pull the rug on you. you are definitely not bu they are and they need to give there heads a wobble you must be devastated by this such Shitty behaviour. I would be asking why at least you deserve an explanation. I hope you decide to do something with your A/L you booked off.

That is shitty behaviour but yes, you have no choice but to take it on the chin. Book something with a friend, or with an organised group trip somewhere you really fancy going. Try not to take it personally, three is a crowd, and that's a potentially tricky dynamic.

Thanks everyone who took time to reply, I actually feel much better now as DS came to my home at the weekend to inform me that they had rebooked the original holiday and I wasn’t invited. I was able to tell him how badly hurt I was and I was glad I was able to say that to his face.
thank you for all your perspectives, they are much appreciated.

That is horrible, what did he say op?

Has your ds always been an insensitive and thoughtless clot?

Please don't make any arrangements either them ever again.

They sound like a mess, I know a couple like this. You dodged a bullet, so don't be upset!

Last update, they have now rebooked to go back to the very first, original holiday destination and I’m not invited. I’ve asked why I am no longer wanted and not received an answer apart from “ they assumed I wouldn’t want to go” . I have had what appears to be a sincere apology and I’m accepting it to draw a line under the whole, horrible experience. It’s been an emotional roller coaster but I’m finally able to move on. Thanks again you lovely lot.

Put it behind you and focus on doing lovely things for yourself. Take some trips with good friends. Take a fabulous solo holiday (I’ve had some brilliant times travelling solo). You are worth so much more than this. They have behaved very poorly, and I’m glad you were able to express this to them. X