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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think.emotional dumping onto perceived carers is a thing

5 replies

Elreon · 11/07/2025 11:34

I have an elderly relative who I give some emotional, practical & emotional support to. A few years ago for other reasons I relocated somewhat closer to this person. Since then age and infirmity have made them largely incapacitated. They refuse to go into a.home & have daily carers.
This person is extremely needy. Sometimes the need is genuine,.sometimes.its pure emotional manipulation. What I have seen numerous times is neighbours or paid professionals calling me (one of the only family they have) up after taking verbal or emotional abuse from the individual. It is as if the recipient of the abuse feels entitled to offload every unreasonable word, racist comment etc onto me. I am nor this person's child. Even if I was, I'm surprised at people behaving this way. I've also now had to distance myself from some of the persons entourage as, sooner or later, you get that look from them a pained expression and the question "how is x"..
Not 1 single person has ever said "how are you?" This situation at one point.had me contemplating ending my own life.

Is this a thing? Is there a term for it? I once read an actual family carer (a category I domt put myself in) saying they felt like they were the de facto complaints department for others.

OP posts:
Elreon · 11/07/2025 16:11

OK I don't know how to move this to the carers thread though. The person is question isnt a parent so I don't feel that one would be the right place. Maybe some people have experience of being the offloader- their experiences and input would be equally welcome

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 11/07/2025 16:37

Make your next post say “dear Mumsnet. Please move this thread to wherever“ or “dear Mumsnet. Please delete this thread”.

Then have a read through the sections I linked and see where you find commonality. And start a new thread.

OriginalUsername2 · 11/07/2025 16:37

I would be blunt.

Interrupt them and say “Okay, can I just stop you there - why are you telling me this?” and either let them realise what they’re doing.

If they don’t get the message you’ll have to say outright that you’re not responsible for her behaviour and you’re not even her primary career, you’re a relative that helps out sometimes.

Elreon · 11/07/2025 16:46

OriginalUsername2 · 11/07/2025 16:37

I would be blunt.

Interrupt them and say “Okay, can I just stop you there - why are you telling me this?” and either let them realise what they’re doing.

If they don’t get the message you’ll have to say outright that you’re not responsible for her behaviour and you’re not even her primary career, you’re a relative that helps out sometimes.

That does seem to be the only way to get through. I have previously said "what is it that you're hoping to get out of this conversation?"
I just think this is one of those things that happens quite regularly but that people don't want to talk about.
It is as if they feel they are owed something because they have experienced bad behaviour and they want to call in the emotional debt via the nearest person they can

OP posts:
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