Are my expectations of DH too high?

[TheDancingHorses]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, and we have a 12 year old DD. Our relationship is currently in a bad way and I’m grappling with whether it’s time to cut my losses and separate.

Our main issue stems from his sister (sorry another SIL post) who took a dislike to me when DH and I started living together. We all lived in the same village and SIL and I had been friends. I’ve no clue what I did to upset her but she didn’t hold back in bitching about me to anyone that’d listen - including their parents and many of our mutual friends.

Given that we were all in our late 30s at this point, I didn’t want to get involved in her dramas so stepped away from her and tried to keep my head down out of the way. DHs parents got involved with him mum leaving voice messages telling me how badly I was behaving and that everything was all my fault. His dad has barely spoken to me in 14 years.

Although DH spoke to his sister when everything started, he was only ever interested in getting us to be friends again and has never really been bothered about his sister’s treatment of me.

I never had any wish to get between them or stop him from spending time with her. My only wish was that I didn’t have to spend time with her (unless it was totally unavoidable).

But, time and time again DH would put her feeling before mine. For example, when DD was born, SIL was round within half an hour of us getting home. DH knew I found it stressful having her over, and I’d only been allowed out of hospital on the condition that I avoided stress as my Bp was high. However, from DHs point of view, she had a right to see DD and he didn’t want to upset her by saying she couldn’t come round.
There are many many more examples but they would make this post even longer!

This all left me feeling unimportant and later down by DH. There have been other issues since which have led to DH and I being in a relationship where we are polite to each other but any spark and enjoyment has long gone. I tried to speak to him about where we go from here a couple of months ago and, during our conversation, he mentioned that as far as he is concerned our issues mainly stem from the fact that my expectations are too high. In particular:

1. I should not expect him to put me before his sister or any other member of his birth family. They are very important to him and I should not expect my feelings to be worth more than theres.
2. we’ve lived abroad for several years (for various reasons) and he went back to our home country a while back for 3.5 months as his mum was ill. While away (and staying with SIL) he called DD and I once a week. I expected that he would have wanted to speak to us and call more regularly (maybe every couple of days) but DH thinks this was unreasonable and that once a week was fine. His lack of contact during this time made it really hard for him to settle back into family life when he came home and things haven’t really been the same since.

Overall, DHs actions have impacted on me as I feel pretty unimportant and it’s difficult to trust him with my feelings if that makes sense. I’m trying to decide whether to keep going, or whether it would be better for me (and DD as I worry about how things are affecting her) if we separate.

For context, I’ve lost my DM and DSister in the last 18 months (DSis passed away 6 weeks ago) so I’m probably in no fit state to make big decisions atm but I would really appreciate thoughts on this as I’m struggling badly at the moment.

Thank you.

I’m sorry for your losses

have you considered marriage counselling?

There’s a lot of resentment. What’s your cultural background as that also seems to be playing a role.

Im sorry, no advice but he seems like an arsehole. You and your child should very much be his priority.

I think you should have left him after the sil seeing baby incident, and probably many times since. EVERY DECENT MAN PUTS THEIR WIFE FIRST WHEN SHE COMES HOME AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO THEIR BABY. He sounds incidental to your life except for causing problems.

I agree with pp that it's worth trying counselling. He doesn't sound very nice but it may help to talk through these issues. Sorry to hear about your sister @TheDancingHorses

Very sorry to hear about your losses OP. Grief does make us question things.

Were you and SIL friends first, then you started dating her brother? Was it because of that, where the comments from the PIL about you behaving badly stemmed from?

Personally, I think once a week check in was fine, if your husband was with his sick mother. Not sure how that's made it tough to fit in with family life - but, for whatever reason, you are not happy and life is too short. Maybe come back to this when your grief isn't so raw, and evaluate what YOU would like in life.

Honestly you should have ended things years ago and dating stage and certainly long before marriage ...

You havent moved past (note: not forgiven but moved past.. you can feel your pain in the post) things that happened decades ago.

The once a week checkin is garbage he didn't need to phone everyday day but he could send a WhatsApp or some gʻÿç
This situation isn't going to improve and you only get one life.

However you've been bereaved so I would do nothing other than get counselling to help with that and help you navigate this / decide on a way forward for now,,

Only you can know whether to stay and "work with it" or leave

You have a right to expect that your partner would put you first. From how you describe it, is not on your team and you deserve happiness and people in your life who value you. He sounds like he's not that bothered, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a phone call more than once a week. To your daughter you are potentially modelling that it's okay to take second place which isn't great and separating from your husband might be more positive for her wellbeing than your accepting how things are.

Seek some counselling to decide your next steps.

@TheDancingHorses where is his home country? I am quite surprised that his employer allowed him that much time off. if he was so worried about his mother, why did he stay with his sister?

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. It sounds like you have let resentment grow for 12 hours around some issues rather than dealing with how you felt. When he was aawy for 14 you had plenty of time to say I would like to hear from you more often. In what is one tiny post you sound massive (obviously that might not be the case!).

I think either need to discuss these issue and move forward or end the relationship. Continuing with unresolved issues is not a good idea.

I'm so sorry for your losses 💐how has he been with them? Has he been there for you and supporting you?

He doesn't sound like he's that bothered with you and your daughter. It's one thing once a week with his wife (even though that would be far too long for me, I'd expect every few days) but it's another thing when you've got children. I know his Mum wasn't very well but not even sending a message and checking in to make sure you and his child is okay wouldn't have been that difficult.

It does come across like he doesn't care.

Honestly. Leave. But not right now . Any person who cannot see that his wife’s feelings are more important than his sisters/ mothers / friends will never make a successful marriage. The crux is putting your spouses feelings and needs first, sometimes before your own. The baby incident is beyond awful, but this is not a one issue problem - it’s an attitude. He cannot / will not see it, so he will never change.

Yes, any decent man puts his wife first after child birth at least. Mine told PIL firmly they were not coming to the hospital the first afternoon as I had only given birth an hour ago and had a second degree tear. You’ve got a serious problem here. A man who puts his sister’s wishes above his wife’s needs. Bloody hell.

Right now you aren’t in the mindset to make big decisions. You are still grieving for your mother and sister. I’m not saying your feeling isn’t valid or right but right now be wary of decisions.

Can you take a few days away on your own and look into marriage and grief counselling

I’d plan to leave when you’re ready. You vs them situation is bad enough, but him saying they are more important, I couldn’t do that.

It could be with trying marriage counselling if he’ll agree to it. If not then it does sound like this marriage has reached the end of the road.

You have every right to expect to come first, to feel loved and valued for who you are. He has allowed his sister to wage a campaign against you for years, unchallenged. It’s a betrayal. That’s why you no longer trust him. Nor should you.

Of course things have shifted since he decided to spend months with the very person that has made your life a living misery. Why couldn’t he have stayed with someone else? He has been putting his family before you at every opportunity.

He doesn’t know how to love and protect you, yes I would separate. Your relationship and his lack of love and commitment is nowhere near good enough to persevere with, and never will be.

Your dd is old enough to make decisions re visiting.

Be happy op, you don’t have to accept this half life. If he wants to he can fight for you to come back and make real and lasting changes.

I am so sorry for your losses, but you must use your time left to be the happiest you can be, and I think you know the answer already 💐

I can't really see much reason to stay if he won't put you first but when he was away did you also phone him? You can't really blame him if you didn't contact him.

He sounds truly awful.

Being devil's advocate - what did sil bitch about? What was mil issue?

Tbh he doesnt have your back. Do you want this forever

No they aren’t too high!

I could have written parts of this, was friends with my SIL which was how I met hubby. We have been together over 30 years (mid 40’s).

she is a jealous, possessive manipulative nightmare! See my previous post

In the end for my own sanity I decided to go completely NC with her, I refuse to put my happiness behind hers.

I told hubby that I didn’t expect him to do the same & understood if he wanted a relationship with his sister but that I wouldn’t want her in my home & not a chance would I ever visit hers!

after her (expected) bat shit reaction & he saw her for what I’d always said she was, he has happily cut her from his life too!

Stick to your guns & don’t compromise your happiness for grown women who want to behave like ridiculous teens!

Thank you for all your responses. To answer some of your questions, DHs sister and I were friends for a few years before I met DH. I have two older children from a previous relationship and SIL and I had DC in the same class at school. SIL actually introduced us and encouraged us to get together (I was reluctant to meet DH as I knew SIL had form for turning on friends and making their lives difficult and I didn’t want to risk getting in the wrong side of her).

As her issues with me started when DH and I were talking about moving in together, my own view is that she was jealous. She’d say things about me and my son - for example, accusing him (wrongly) of bullying her kids, saying I was stoping her and her kids from seeing DH (also untrue) and telling friends that I’d been talking about them being their backs (which I hadn’t). It sounds kind of lame when I write it down but living it in a small village environment was really unpleasant.

With hindsight, I massively regret not ending things when SIL first started causing trouble. I could’ve handled it if DH had my back and I think I’ve been naively living in hope that things would change.

I agree that I’ve been too passive about things. When DH went back to spend time with his mum, I very much left it to him to go for as long as he wanted and for him to contact us as I didn’t was to be demanding or taking time from him being with his mum. He stayed with his sister as his dad didn’t want him to stay with him and his mum. I think what really hit hard with the phone call thing is that would always call at the same time as it was when his sister was out. He wouldn’t call when she was home and it felt like he was avoiding calling me so he wouldn’t upset her.

I’ve suggested marriage counselling but DH isn’t keen. I am getting counselling myself so will stick with that and, when the time is right, decide what to do long term.

Losing my mum and sister has been a real wake up call. I have no birth family left now and I feel I owe it to them - especially my sister - to get out there and live a happy and fulfilling life. I’m just too exhausted to do that right now.