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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting another child in my 40s

23 replies

kate2244 · 10/07/2025 23:47

I’d always wanted a second child, both because I’d love a larger family and a sibling for DD, but I’ve just turned 41. I feel like I’m a natural mum, financially secure and very caring.

My DD is 9 and I’ve wanted another child for years but fast forward two miscarriages 😢 ….and I wanted to make sure DD pre school years were focused on her …..and now the years have rushed by and here I am.

DD father was abusive and I’ve struggled to have a relationship or trust anyone since we separated 6 years ago.

Is it too late to try to meet someone? I’d like to hear some positive stories.

I have also thought for years about fostering or adoption but heard that journey can be super intrusive and stressful (i understand why it needs to be so thorough but im scared) and at times they arent keen to let you foster or adopt as a single carer with a biological child also.

Do I just need to put all this out of my head and accept it’s too late? Be kind :)

OP posts:

BeachPossum · 10/07/2025 23:54

Are you in a relationship at the moment?

if not I think you probably do have to be realistic about the prospective timeline. Even if you met someone tomorrow, you'd need to give the relationship enough time to be sure he was someone you wanted to have a child with and felt confident introducing to your existing child. Ideally you'd give it a year or so before you introduced someone new to your child, and then you would want to give them time to make sure they got on and were compatible. You would be looking at a couple of years at least I think before you could reasonably consider trying for a baby. That would make you 43 which is absolutely not unheard of in terms of conceiving, but the longer it takes for you to meet one the less likely it is that the timing will be in your favour.

Would you consider a sperm donor and just going it alone from the outset? It puts timing back in your hands to an extent and doesn't rely on you finding Mr right on your doorstep tomorrow.

Original poster

kate2244 · 11/07/2025 00:06

@BeachPossum thanks for your reply 🥰. I looked into sperm donation quite seriously at the start of this year - went for tests and had a private consultation - but finally made the decision not to go down that route as I wasn’t comfortable with my DD knowing her father and another baby being conceived through a sperm donor and not knowing their father - it felt unfair to me.
No I’m not in a rship, I am in early stages of dating someone, and that is the main issue. I haven’t had a rship for years as DDs dad left some rship trauma which it took time to move on from and then other men I meet have had their own issues as it’s so hard to date these days. I do appreciate time is running out - I should have had children in my 20s but I wasn’t financially secure or emotionally ready

OP posts:

MeinKraft · 11/07/2025 00:18

I think you need to put your existing child first tbh. You run the risk of rushing a relationship because your biological clock is ticking, moving an unsuitable man into a home with a 9 year old is a real danger. It’s normal when you reach this age for hormones to go wild and make you broody, it’s your bodies last chance and sometimes it really goes for it. But you need to think very carefully about the impact on your daughter. I realise you want to do this for her in a way, to give her a sibling. But I suspect she would benefit more from a settled childhood with her mums love and care focused on her.

Original poster

kate2244 · 11/07/2025 00:22

@MeinKraft thanks for your message. I must say I have and always will put my DD first! She is the main reason I haven’t had another child before now - she’s been my
focus. I was just looking to hear some happy tales of when it may have worked out differently for others at my age :) - just to give me a bit of hope I suppose

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 11/07/2025 00:47

I think it's unlikely that you've time to have one with a partner.

Adoption would likely be very hard on your DD.

Your only real option is a sperm doner or doing it with a friend.

It's likely in your DD's best interests to remain an only child at this point.

simsbustinoutmimi · 11/07/2025 00:52

My mum was 37 when she had me, but she’d been married to my dad for a long while (been in a relationship even longer) and my dad was quite a bit younger.

i think at 40, if your not in a steady relationship or married then you need to just focus on your first child.

its not too late to meet someone, but id be surprised if anyone in your age range would want more children. Those who are younger will be conscious of the connotations and risks of someone your age having a baby

even if they do, you’d have to get on with it or it would be too late.

I think you should just appreciate what you have and your MC’s are natures way of telling you that you shouldn’t have any more

TomatoSandwiches · 11/07/2025 00:56

If i were you I'd just focus on DD that's here, shes going to hit some bumps as she hits puberty and gets to secondary, having a newborn around that time wouldnt be ideal for her, they actually need you more intensely but in a different way as they grown up.
I'd start looking at fostering for your preferred age group when your DD is a late teenager or off to uni.

Original poster

kate2244 · 11/07/2025 00:59

My first and last post on mumsnet I think. I knew the risks of asking, hoped for some positives and am leaving realistic but disheartened - thanks anyway to everyone who replied 😢

OP posts:

Coolhand2 · 11/07/2025 04:17

Don't be disheartened, hope for the best, see where your new relationship takes you, communicate with them early on about having a baby. Some people have progressed quickly and had kids in their 40's. Then you could have a sibling for your dd. Wish you all the best.

TheFutureIs · 11/07/2025 04:41

@kate2244I can be your success story. I met my partner about 10 months ago. (We do have a lot of mutual friends as we work in the same industry). I have a nearly 9 year old who he met relatively early on. We’re now expecting a baby. I am 42 so when I was 41 and single never expected to be having another child, but I am so happy how everything has worked out.

Nachoinseachthu · 11/07/2025 04:59

Does the man your in the early stages of dating want children?

MrBallenIsaFittie · 11/07/2025 06:02

TheFutureIs · 11/07/2025 04:41

But you don't really know how anything has 'worked out' yet. You have been together 10 whole months....you are still very much in the honeymoon period.
You have no idea how your daughter will feel in 10 years time, especially if your relationship doesn't work out and he turns out to be a complete knob.
I sincerely hope you get your happy ever after but I would caution OP to take advice from people that have been in a relationship much longer than 10 months.

KrystalKrystal · 11/07/2025 07:02

kate2244 · 11/07/2025 00:59

My first and last post on mumsnet I think. I knew the risks of asking, hoped for some positives and am leaving realistic but disheartened - thanks anyway to everyone who replied 😢

Well my sister met and married her husband within the year she turned 40. They then had their only child when she was 43.

Also my friend met and had a child very quickly (within a few months) when he was 40 and the lady was 39. They've remained together the last 17 years so it does happen.

Its your life and I believe you should do what you want. Just like you I was single for many many years due to trauma from my child's fathers (I'm 39 now) and also always put them first. I did consider a sperm donor years ago but decided against it as I didn't want to be a single parent again. I've now been seeing someone the last 2 years and we have considered having a child or two together (he also has one child).

All the best in whatever you decide to do.

Katemax82 · 11/07/2025 07:05

I got pregnant by accident at 42, I did for about 1 minutes consider not keeping it but just couldn't not. My son is now 4 months old and the best baby I could ask for, the only complications I had were gestational diabetes which I didn't have with my other 3

morbiditytrain · 11/07/2025 07:09

The chance of meeting a man in his forties who you want kids with, and who wants kids with you, and who would be a good partner and husband, and who you could get pregnant with, are vanishingly remote.

Kindly, I would let that dream go.

You sound like you have been tremendously successful to get you and your daughter to a secure, safe place in life. Respect to you.

TheFutureIs · 11/07/2025 07:18

Thanks @MrBallenIsaFittiefor your premonition of my future relationship 🤣
The OP asked for people in a similar situation, which I believe I am. How long should we have waited?!

vivainsomnia · 11/07/2025 08:31

Does the man your in the early stages of dating want children?
This is the only important consideration. If you are asking because you are thinking of a 'happy accident, 'I can't believe I fell pregnant whilst on the pill' when you never were on it, don't do it!

This is the most unfair scenario for everyone. A child who doesn't know their dad is much less traumatic than a child who found out their dad didn't want them and were forced into parenthood against their wish, or worse, makes a disappearing act.

If you have discussed it and he is up for it, go for it. It happened twice in my family and its a happy story for both.

MrBallenIsaFittie · 11/07/2025 08:42

TheFutureIs · 11/07/2025 07:18

Thanks @MrBallenIsaFittiefor your premonition of my future relationship 🤣
The OP asked for people in a similar situation, which I believe I am. How long should we have waited?!

It isn't a premonition of anything, it was the way you stated how happy you are with 'the way things worked out '. It's been 10 months....I have things in the freezer older than your relationship (must remember to throw those out!) you don't know yet if it will work out!
Like I said, I genuinely hope you have found the one and you happily grow old together and your children have an amazing childhood, you just don't know if that will be the case yet.

Cinai · 11/07/2025 08:45

My friend met someone online at 40, got married within 6 months, pregnant with their first within a year, now she is nearly 44 with two children. She is very happy, but I think she was incredibly lucky that her relationship and both her pregnancies worked out so well. I’m 42 with a 10-months old and not one of those who say that 40s is too old for children, but, if not in a stable relationship and rushing it, is a huge gamble.

GospelOakCloak · 11/07/2025 08:50

Ok OP I’m going against the grain here - people have babies in much worse circumstances than yours! You sound responsibly have a job etc -, why not just go for it!

my colleague had 2 kids - one at 20 one at 21 with guy she’d only just started seeing who’d been in prison who were falling over themselves to congratulate her on her pregnancy! You’re in a better position than people like this OP who procrearecasvif there’s no tomorrow!

just go for it OP if it’s what you want

Whatdoidotoday · 11/07/2025 09:22

I’m 43 with a 2yo and 9yo. I would say do not do it. Too risky. But leaving that aside. I can’t tell you how incredibly hard the age gap will be. They will have very little in common to do, play, bond with.
I have a 7 year age gap and there isn’t a single thing that both kids can do and I always feel like I’m letting one down. And I have a dh. Your dd Will automatically be pushed aside and the baby’s needs will have to come first.
I have friends with an only and they also feel a bit like you at times but as the kids are growing up and busier with their lives it’s less of an issue.
think about it, with you having an at least 10-11 year age gap.
they won’t even be in school together for very long, dd will go off to uni and make her way and you will have a baby that isn’t really growing with a sibling if that’s what you’re hoping for.
I feel for you but I do think you have to think of your dd first and how this will impact her.

Nachoinseachthu · 11/07/2025 20:33

Nachoinseachthu · 11/07/2025 04:59

Does the man your in the early stages of dating want children?

I didn’t mean this as a warning - ie don’t trap him into parenthood - more as: this is the best opportunity you have in hand if he is open to the idea…

PollyBell · 11/07/2025 21:08

Well think about it from the child's perspective not your own, is it fair on the child?

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