9 year old meltdowns and crying multiple times a day

[Anony11]

my 9 year old granddaughter has always been a little different from a young age, more boisterous, challenging and naughty for want of a word. she’s now 9 years old and for the last 2 years her behaviour has become so extreme, I worry for her mothers mental health and the impact her behaviour is having on us all as a family. Her parents parted 2 years ago and that’s when her behaviour got worse.
Every day without fail, she has screaming meltdowns over trivial things. only recently we all went abroad on a family holiday and it was ruined by her behaviour.
At least 3 times a day, starting as soon as she got up, there would be meltdowns over her hair or what to wear and these meltdowns would last for hours.
she doesn’t sleep through the night and refuses to go to bed at a reasonable time and even when she does, it takes her ages before she’s able to get off to sleep.
she can’t keep still and is always jumping around or doing robotic dances and seems to disappear into her own world. Her behaviour isn’t normal and comments from friends and other family members have also voiced their concerns.
she will trash the house when in one of these meltdowns and then will cry for hours and is totally inconsolable.
my daughter has been in contact at with resilient families who have referred her to the neurodevelopment team but they are waiting for a referral from her school. Our only concern is that the school say her behaviour is not of any concern in school which i find hard to believe.
Her father has a diagnosis of adhd and some members of his family so I think she may have it too. I think she may have autism too but we are in limbo because the professional help is taking so long.

my daughter dreads the morning because every single day she gets up, there’s a problem with her behaviour.
shes a child that wants for nothing but nothing is ever good enough.
Her behaviour isn’t normal and is having an impact on us as a family as there is no break from it due to it happening so frequently.
Is anybody experiencing this and how long does it take to get professional help!

Ignore the school saying she doesn’t present with this behaviour at school. Child mask at school and then suffer burnout and emotional exhaustion at home. Insist that school refers for an assessment. Please read up on autism and adhd and how they present in girls as very different to boys. Most self diagnosis aids are based on study groups of boys so not helpful for a girl. Keep pushing to get her support. Make sure she has a quiet safe space at home for when she feels overwhelmed. Let her have quiet, down time straight after school with no demands. Give her a time frame for this, say 40 mins every day after school so she know it’s her time to regulate. All the best.

Thank you for your reply

Echo poster above.

Girls are very good at masking for strangers so she may only feel safe at home hence bad behaviour is actually meltdowns from masking.

Put in for an assessment or if you can afford it go private to save years of anxiety or mum and daughter.

Acceptance and understanding are key here.
Read the autism girls network is a good place to start. And also "Additude " and charity to support adhd. Good luck

I agree, this sounds very much like autism at the very least. Read some of Gina Rippon's work that is exploring how and why it looks different in girls. I am a very high masking AuDHD'er. Unless you lived with me, you would never know. The people close to me I can relax with know all about the meltdowns and the shutdowns, though. She needs help to manage her overstimulation effectively and the right support. If you or your daughter can pay for a private assessment, this will be faster and more in-depth than the stupid NHS ones.

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/

Also, have a read of Fern Brady's book 'Strong Female Character '. Please push for a good assessment and diagnosis so your poor granddaughter can get the help so many of us late diagnosed women didn't get. The risk of suicide and self-harm in ND woman is far higher than for NT women because of how burnt out and confused they become.

www.additudemag.com/category/adhd-add/adhd-essentials/

Given this has started after the parents split up it sounds like it's a behaviour problem, even though on here everyone will assume she's autistic/ADHD etc. I would actually get her into child therapy and get her mother to start putting down boundaries and discipling her. Maybe reward chart or something appropriate for a 9 year old.

Whilst you await referral etc you might find Ross Greene's the explosive child book a good starting point. He also has a website.
What you describe sounds much like my DD, diagnosed with combined type ADHD. School see virtually nothing so don't be fobbed off by them.
Ross Greene's website is lives in the balance.
Definitely look at autistic girls network and ADHD UK websites to try to get a better understanding of what lies behind the behaviours you see, it will help you come up with ways to support her. Best of luck x

Exactly my thoughts.
Check her diet, as UPF/certain additives can affect behaviour.
Also look at getting a copy of there's still no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverstone. Lots of great information there about understanding and managing children's behaviour.

Well if she wants for nothing then that needs to change. Spoiling her will only make this worse.

It takes a long time to get any help through the NHS route because they are so overloaded. If private is an option it might be worth considering.

I don't think you can necessarily rule out ND based on the fact the behaviour got worse after her parents' separation, especially given that there is family history. It would be worth looking into neurodevelopmental assessment if this is an option. You tend to notice the very polarised views on a forum like this where people either say oh yes definitely ND or are bending over backwards trying to point out what could possibly make it not ND. Neither is really helpful because it's not like ND conditions make you a totally different species anyway. That is just a sort of layer of difficulty over and above other environmental stresses such as parents splitting up, difficulty at school etc and if the behaviour is hard to manage and causing problems, then it's worth investigating and getting advice.

It usually starts with a parenting course anyway which is always worth a try.

My 11 year old sounds very similar. Had wild outbursts since 2 years old, meltdowns, unpredictable behaviour in terms of how she manages when things go wrong or differently to how expected. Very sensitive to a number of material textures and sensations. Very active brain and a poor sleeper. Unable to get out of the house on time for school as things need to be right and delays are caused by focus on inconsequential things rather than getting out of the house
My husband and I are married and get a long well but our MH has really suffered.
She manages very well at school socially and academically so school won't write anything in support to pass to GP.
We are just about managing and I anticipate in maybe late year 7 or y8, things will massively deteriorate.
I feel your pain. We dread every morning and sadly, dread going out.

I find sleep and relax times very important to enforce for all our family.

I am a highly internal type autistic person. I got my NHS diagnosis 6 months ago but find it hard to accept because I don't fit the stereotypes. I'm convinced my dad was autistic and ADHD but he was just "odd" in the 80s and 90s when I was growing up. Having my diagnosis hasn't changed anything but helps me understand why I am like I am.

I don't have any advice but staying calm for your daughter and granddaughter is going to be really helpful. I also have lowered my expectations for things and accept that tying to do too much (or a normal level of activity) is just not going to happen.

Iim so sorry that things are so difficult for your grandchild. I'm sure she is not enjoying it either. Xx

Exactly this. Any school should be aware if signs of autism & ADHD. They should be listening to the parents. These children mask at school and explode when they are home

Oh and. 100% get support, whether that is asking GP for a cahms referral for behaviour or paying for family therapy or courses from your own pocket if your daughter can afford it.

My dc was diagnosed with adhd by camhs at the age of 8 but she was even worse at school than she was at home so different from your gd.

change is one of the things that can bring ASD to a head with girls, which is why they only start presenting in secondary school. Here it’s her parents splitting.
DD also went through primary school fine with no issues there, her meltdowns were only outside of school. I think PS are a bit rubbish at recognising it in girls.

No her behaviour doesn’t sound normal and I am sure it is making her miserable too. I don’t think she is choosing to be like this. The fact there is a family history is a big indication this is what’s happening.

DD manages mostly okay (she had a meltdown last night) but we had days out where we had to come home after 5 minutes because he hair felt wrong.

Professional help is a postcode lottery. I’d look to local autism charities for advice.

It does sound like ADHD and possible autism as well. Bear in mind though that there is no help. A diagnosis just gets you a piece of paper unfortunately. I would encourage the family to read everything they can around ADHD and Autism - there's a wealth of information online.

You’re about to have summer holidays - so I would spend some time now reading about autism and adhd in girls and support strategies.

Don’t try to introduce any chances now when she will be burnt out and exhausted from the school year. Give her the first week or two weeks of the holiday to totally relax - no demands, let her just rest and relax however that looks for her. Then start making changes - at 9 she should be able to have a calm conversation about what she thinks would help avoid the arguments/tantrums.

My kids are around that age and just to give you some ideas here we have:

• zones of regulation poster to help them tell me what the issue is
• “calm down corner” (when they’re getting angry or sad they can go hide in a sensory blackout tent and play with sensory toys),
• ”time in” (if their behaviour has been bad we spend some time together discussing a better way to deal with issues, before there is a consequence for the behaviour)
• “wild rumpus” (when they’re full of energy and need to run wild we have various safe agreed ways they can do that - eg smashing cushions with a bat/running around the garden/launching themselves into a crash mat), and
• ”squish time” (my kids both love to be compressed, they need that proprioceptive input - I gently squish them between two camping mattresses, or roll a peanut ball over them on the floor - just don’t squish their heads obviously!)

There will be loads of other suggestions online. It will take some time and resources to set up options like these, and you’ll need her to be in a reasonably calm state to start discussing these issues so don’t try to do it all at once.

Bear in mind that even without a diagnosis occupational therapists can often do fantastic work with kids with these kind of issues.

The first sentence literally says: my 9 year old granddaughter has always been a little different from a young age, more boisterous, challenging and naughty for want of a word

ND children are no different from NT children in that their behaviour will change in the face of trauma. But it sounds like there has been concerns over her since being tiny.

The mother needs to stop waiting for help, as a family all of you need to come together and find the funds to get this help

now.

Meltdowns like this are not just from trauma. Autistic people are far more at risk from trauma than allistics. It may be she doesn't get so overstimulated when her home life was more stable and that her parents splitting up has tipped her over the edge. The two key things in autistics that help to rule out trauma alone as the issue, is hypersensitivity and sensory seeking behaviours; and special interests.

Thank you all for your advice. It’s very helpful xx