Contact about work outside working hours

[JeannieJo]

I have a friend and colleague who contacts me out of hours about work, not massively often, but too often IMO (maybe 15 times in last couple of years). It happens after I’ve finished for the day, at night, weekends e.g. 9am Sunday morning whilst I’ve been in bed, whilst on two weeks annual leave, even when I’ve been on a plane before waiting to take off - it could be about various things - directly about work, to approve her annual leave or to talk about someone in work (so in her opinion, is not about work), but all of this chat takes me right ‘into work’. It is driving me absolutely nuts and to be honest, ruins my day. I know I have to learn for it not to bother me - it’s outwith my control, not me it’s her etc etc, but it’s really hard. I have to say I’m peri-menopausal and have a lot going on so I’m irritable and on a short fuse but this is really getting to me.

I generally reply and say I’ll sort whatever it is when I’m back at work but then I always get the hurt and annoyed responses back from her when I say anything about it. She’ll say things like she’s in a rush to book her holiday, or it’s not really about work just about someone in work, or just that she’s sorry for messaging me but it’s just a quick question. I make a point of never contacting her about work during holidays (for work or social reasons, because she’s on holiday).

I don’t know what else to do. She generally is a good friend and we get on well but this really really winds me up.

AIBU and taking things too seriously and need to chill or is it a reasonable request for this to stop? What else can I do?

Mute her. You are under no obligation to read or respond to work related things outside of work hours (barring emergency, obviously). She can be in as much of a rush to book a holiday as she likes, asking you about it when you aren't in work is not the way to go about it.

This is a you problem. You need to start standing up for yourself and insist that you'll discuss work things when you're at work.

This happens a lot with me too. I just mute the chat and reply during my work hours. 🤷‍♀️

@TimeForTeaAndG and @Makingpeace, I’ve tried muting but hard as we’re friends too and also have social chat as well but just get really annoyed when it’s about work. I’ve already put do not disturb on between 9pm and 11am because of this. Don’t know what else I can do.

I do this every time and say I’ll reply when I’m work. I get a part-apology, usually with her sounding hurt, then usually some kind of analysis about why she’s had to contact me about the work thing and then I end up feeling bad. I know I need to learn to stop letting this bother me but it’s hard!

Then you need to have clearer boundaries about when she can message you and what about. Going out socially - fine, any time! Work stuff - only in work hours. Don't even bother replying to work stuff.

And stick to it!

Tell her to contact you on your work phone. When she replies you do not have one then tell her to contact you about work on work email. ONLY.

Dont reply to her at all within those hours and if you have to....dont address the work issues ...for example:

Friend: Hi sorry for messaging late but can I talk to you about Mary in our department?

You : Hi Friend, I'm really sorry but I've said it so many times about no work stuff outside working times. I'm genuinely going to have to think about our friendship if this continues as its really beginning to effect me. Can we please just focus on work in work please.

You need to set these boundaries even if it means offending her, she's only doing it because she knows you'll reply.

When I was working, I had an out of office message that I copy/pasted in such circumstances.

I now do contracting, and I just don’t reply to emails outside my working hours.

If you’re friendly then why can’t you tell her upfront “Hey Susan… I need you stop asking me about work things out of hours… send an email or put it on my desk. I’ll catch it when I come back”

But yeah, while it’s annoying of her, this ultimately is a you problem. Stop allowing yourself to feel bad.

ETA: I’m going to assume that your role doesn’t require out of hours responses

Not appropriate. That said, I am happy to receive a message if urgent and easy for me to say yay and nay kind of thing. I always say to my team that i’d rather be disturbed if major than to have problems on return. I also am happy to receive any gossip! One of my colleagues and I are always messaging about work outside of hours. I think we are both workaholics who don’t switch off easily. Colleague went to Turkey for a week and messaged about work every day! Tried to push her away, reminding her she was on holiday but she said she was bored on a sunbathing holiday with family.

Tell her to email/ contact you on work phone number you about work things otherwise you will have to block her…. Honestly I get it - I job share and often get messages outside of my hours and it means I go into work mode and the disadvantage of my DC…. I hate it!!!

Everytime a breeezy email me and I will look into it at work … if she gets the humphs then be more brutal so what if she is upset … she doesn’t mind upsetting you

If this person doesn't respect normal boundaries, you need to reflect on why you're tolerating the behaviour.

Tell her you don't want to discuss work outside work hours.

If you are approving her leave, I’m assuming you are more senior? If so, “pull rank” and tell her to stop.

The best policy I find is to always keep colleagues as just that. Makes life easier.

Are you her line manager?

If so, you need to actually manage her. Time for a formal discussion as part of a 1 to 1 to remind her categorically NOT to contact you outside work about work stuff. Whatever you've said before isn't working.

She's also not being a very good friend if she persists in doing this when you've asked her not to. You need to identify which colleague is in charge in your absence and ensure that she contacts them instead of you. Asking you to approve holiday dates WHILST YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY is completely inappropriate - it doesn't matter if she needs an 'urgent' response. You're out of office - her lack of planning is not something she should be contacting you about when you're out of office.

Manage her.

It depends on the seniority of the role. If you are in a big 6 figure role then a modicum of out of hours queries is to be expected. If you are in a more standard type of position then absolutely not. Just stop responding and they’ll soon give up.

You need to join the " i don't care" club. See yesterday's highly entertaining thread.

Copying and pasting an out of office statement would be a good move. Sounds like she thinks your at her beck and call.
Nope. Don't care.🙅‍♀️

If she’s a friend just sit her down and lay it out for her. ‘Mary I really do not want to know or be bothered about work outside hours. I love to hear from you and value our friendship but if it has anything to do with work I do not want to know. Can we agree to that?’ It’s hard but unless you are going to continue forever as you have been you really have to spell it out for her.

I'd just decline all annual leave requests ahead puts in whilst your on holiday. Tell her you need to check diaries so can do that when your in the office, otherwise if she needs a definite answer immediately it's a no.