Struggling with partners guilty dad syndrome with his daughter

[Aegeanblu]

Firstly I am new to step parenting. I have been with my partner for over a year now and he has a 10 year old daughter. I met her just before she turned 9. I don’t have kids of my own but have a quite younger sister and have been brought up with young cousins so I’ve always been the helper when it came to helping with family kids. I have also been from a broken family and have experienced a step father and a step mother and was the left out child initially as both parents went on to have another child that became the princess so to speak. It was hard during my teenage years when I would be told off for the littlest of things by my step dad but his little princess could do not wrong. I’m only explaining this because I totally understand how it feels to be a stepchild and I promised myself if I was ever a step mum I would be nothing but loving to the step child.
Anyways I’m in my 30s now and was still unsure about if I wanted my own kids. I’ve met this guy and I said from the start I didn’t mind that he had a kid already (I was pleased she was older so to speak and not a toddler) we seemed to get on well straight away and she loved that she had another adult to give her attention. I did notice early on she absolutely loves attention but it didn’t bother me to start with. She is an only child and also has grandparents that absolutely obsess over her and she is their princess as well as to her dad.

All is fine and well but slowly over time small things start to develop that start to annoy me a bit.
Firstly-
She is an absolutely terrible eater. She only eats what she wants to eat which is basically either chicken nuggets or noodles for an actual meal. Then she fills up on sweets, biscuits, Lolly’s, bowls of sugary cereal. I brought this up early in a nice way about her being at a very important age for nutrients as she will be growing soon. OH agreed and decided we try get her to eat more stuff. For some reason this came down to me and I try to introduce more of what we were eating such as actual meat and vegetables. Tried a couple times and did not go well. She put no effort in trying but I felt it wasn’t my place so to speak. So I left it. It frustrated me but I felt was starting to cause tension between me and OH so left it. She pretty much went back to old habits and was left eating nuggets or ramen noodles.
However things took a turn when she ended up at the dentist and they said she needed 3 fillings at 9 years old. I mean I get this can be normal ish at this age but still isn’t great especially as this is her adult teeth now so they have decayed very fast. Tried to encourage healthier eating to OH again but he wouldn’t pursue it without me doing the dirty work which I didn’t want to do so left again. Few months go by and his daughter ends up needed another filling and a tooth taken out. When the tooth was removed the dentist apparently said it was really decayed. So at this stage I point out that she eats way too much sugar and doesn’t brush her teeth well I noticed. I said to him you allow her the worst kind of cereal which is just full or rubbish and allow her to eat rubbish. So after this talk she is with her dad for her time with us. Things have escalated where she doesn’t even eat her usual rubbish food saying she is not hungry but then minutes later raiding the cupboard for massive bowls of sugary cereal and biscuits. I was annoyed at this point and pointed it out to him. He continued to allow her to have it but said things would change after her tooth was getting taken out. After she went home I talked with him and I said I thing I know your problem. You’ve got this guilty dad syndrome where you’re scared to discipline her incase she doesn’t want to come stay at his. He agreed to certain extent and I do understand his issue but it’s allowing her to rule basically. I’ve noticed he babies her a lot which I’ve kindly tried to point out and say he’s not doing her any favours as she will be going to big school soon and if she’s like this she will get bullied.
To point out what I mean firstly-
-when I first got with him. he had all her toys all over the living room. A lot of them baby toys for literal toddlers. I threw them away with his permission as he admitted she didn’t play with them. Including Barbie dolls around the bath that were full of mould? (I felt like this was like a psychological thing where he didn’t want to accept she was getting older?)

• She doesn’t do anything while she’s here not even make her own breakfast. I get she doesn’t have to do chores since she’s here every week but just 3 days. But I did point out she’s fully capable of getting her snack cereal by herself but not breakfast cereal? He didn’t answer but said he likes to do it for her
• She can’t cut up her own food at 10 years old. Or pretends she can’t and still gets it done for her.
• My biggest thing is she constantly does not wash her hands after going to the toilet and we’re lucky if she flushes. This really annoys me and I’ve told her to do it a couple of times but why do i have to keep telling her. Her dad acts like he doesn’t notice this and I doubt this bothers him but it really really bothers me as I find it dirty and then she’s in the fridge and cupboards touching food. She’s coming from school that is a hub with germs. I find it lazy of her and could be easily resolved.
• Her bedroom is a bombsite. It was updated at Xmas but she’s had no consideration into the work that went into this and was trashed within a week. The problem is her grandparents molly coddle her and constantly buy her clothes and toys so her room is an explosion of clothes and toys. There is no discipline for her to look after anything of hers. She’s makes a mess and doesn’t tidy it.
• She expects me to do her hair for school. I did do it and would get up just for her even tho I work shift work and therefore most of my days off I have with her therefore waking up early on my days off even tho I’m not a morning person. I started to stop doing it tho when I started feeling the expectation for it and the demand to do her hair and then I started feeling like a maid rather than a family member. I started not waking up and then she would start waking me up to do her hair which really grated on me. I told my OH and put my foot down on it and from then on it kinda stopped happening. Apparently there were a few times where she had a huff and wanted to wake me up and got told no. Then a couple times she possibly lied saying I would do her hair and wake me up when I didn’t. This made me not want to do her hair even more. I got over it tho as I reminded myself she is a kid end of the day. However at 10 years old I’m sure she should be able to start doing her own hair. I think she can and I know she can do ponytails I think she just likes it being done for her. Also her dad can do it but she wants me to do it.
• She comes into our bedroom whenever she wants including when myself or OH are getting changed. I shut the door when I’m getting changed or shut it if we’re both getting changed but miraculously she suddenly needs one or us and wants to talk about summit so she’s knocking on the door two seconds later. Every time I’m getting ready she knocks on the door and it really annoys me. I tell her I’m getting ready and she just says oh. I now tell her I’ll be ready when I come out. This isn’t my house so I feel I have no private space and I’m someone that likes space sometimes and I’ve told my partner this. And I don’t mean disappear for hours. Even just a few minutes feels impossible. I’ve sacrificed my own home to suit my partner. I still have my own home which is now just sitting there not being used as it suites my partners needs better being at his as it’s closer to his daughter and her school. I tried to say at the beginning I want to be at mine sometimes even if it meant on my own but that still seems to not happen coz he takes it the wrong way like I don’t want to be in his house or his daughters company if I try do this so I give up so still paying for a house I don’t use now but I don’t want to sell it just yet.
• To help with his daughter’s teeth I bought a timer to help brush her teeth for the right time. She loves it initially but I noticed she’s stopped using it probably because she doesnt want to brush her teeth that long and being lazy. I told my partner who encouraged her once but then left it after. I just left it also coz at end of the day it’s not my teeth and she’s not my daughter. Just another episode of molly coddling her.
• She has a mobile phone which is a nightmare sometimes as she’s used it in the past to text lies to her mum and then her mum comes and gets her and this upsets my partner then he gets grief over things that aren’t true. She’s constantly on it or her iPad like sometimes I don’t see the point in her being here coz she’s just on devices. Unless she’s doing something fun which does happen every time she’s will us on a non school day, she’s always treated to days out at fun places. As soon as back him it’s back on devices. She’s even on them when she’s eating which I think is a massive no no and adds to why she doesn’t eat properly coz in her head the quicker she can finish the quicker she can go back to concentrating on silly YouTube videos and is not paying attention to what she’s eating. I’ve told this to my partner but he’s just brushed it off.
• I’ve just let it all be apart from one time where I felt crossed the line. which is where I was asleep one morning and SD was getting ready and dad was helping her, a normal morning. For some reason she decided she wanted my back pack for school. This bag pack had my important uni stuff in and important sensitive work documents as well as just a bunch of stuff. For some reason he let her have it without anyone asking me and I was non the wiser and woke up to the entire contents of the bag on the floor. I was really hurt and upset. He came home and didn’t understand why until I explained how rubbish it made me feel and I said I know your daughter will always come first and I understand that but you have put her before me over something very trivial and made her feel she can have anything she wants even if it’s something of mine which he had no right to do because it’s not his either. Once I explained it this way he understood and felt bad but didn’t really discipline is daughter and in the end she just thought she had to say sorry coz she made a mess on the floor. Which wasn’t the case but I just left it at that even tho I probably should have told her off.

I know I don’t have a specific question but I just needed to rant a bit because a year down the line I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel annoyed over such stuff or am I being unreasonable and expecting too much from a 10 year old? Also just to add as I feel I’ve just been negative. I do lots for her and play with her and generally do get on with her and love her and she loves me. I just think she is a bit spoiled but I just want her to not have this impact her later in life when she can do nothing for herself that’s all. I’m not expecting her to add like an adult right away. Just a few small niggly things. Even if she would wash her hands and flush the toilet I would be delighted. Thank you for reading

Honestly, OP, why on earth would you want to be looking after someone's child so much, especially at such an early stage in the relationship?

She has two parents but neither of them care enough to support her with the most basic things such as brushing her teeth and eating healthily. Fillings in adult teeth at age nine is totally avoidable. This should be a HUGE wake up call for them if they don't want her to start losing adult teeth.

It's not rocket science - she needs routine and boundaries.

The fact that your BF is happy to abdicate so much responsibility to you speaks volumes about his attitude to parenting. But then the long list of issues shows him to be such a lazy parent that he is setting her up for all sorts of problems. I agree with others that it's neglect. I would have zero respect, let alone attraction, with someone like this. Walk away.

Move back to your own home and do a reset.

Let him parent his own child on his own on the days she is with him so he can take responsibility for it. You are not a step-parent as such, you are dad's girlfriend.

You can still see him and stay over at his on the days she is not there - or he can come and stay at yours.

She isn't your responsibility and your efforts to try to bring some good changes are falling on deaf ears, his and hers. So reclaim your life.

He is a lazy father. It would turn me right off him.

Old McDonald had a farm AI-AI-O

Your partner is a shitty parent.

He introduced you guys way too soon. You are way out of your lane. She has 2 parents and you are not a stepparent.

He won't let you have physical privacy from his daughter.

He thinks your stuff is for his daughter's use. You could lose your job if he's messing with confidential files.

He can't be bothered with doing her physical care to the point of her teeth rotting. Her room is a bomb site.

Run. You're the bangmaidnanny because your lazy BF can't be bothered to parent his daughter in the most basic and necessary ways.

You are far too involved - you are not her parent, you are not her stepmother, you are her dad's girlfriend who lives in his house! Stop trying to interfere in how your partner is parenting, it won't change. If I were you I'd move back to your own place and date him until the child is much older!

Agree with PP saying the intro was way too early so from Day 1 not responsible parenting from him and @Aegeanblu you shouldn’t make excuses for him saying you had a lot of trust on each other as that’s neither here nor there.

Of course a bad father would introduce someone he knew to be kind and helpful asap to his child for them to pick up the (growing) slack. You sound like you could do so much better than stay with a man obviously taking advantage of you.

I think you are getting too involved considering you have only been together a year. Also it is very easy to see all the things parents do wrong when you can see it without all the emotion. You are probably correct by the way, about the mistakes that are being made. However for your own sanity you should take a step back and let her parents deal with these issues.

It probably will impact your relationship though if you get annoyed about the things you see going on
that are not great. One thing you were probably doing right was doing her hair - a small thing that could be good for your relationship, but obviously not if it means getting up 6 hours early for your shift.

You need some boundaries such as your bag being emptied which was not on. If I were you I would spend a few nights a week in my own house and let things develop.

This.

Stop wasting your time. He's a useless father, and not worth getting close to. Can you imagine co-parenting with someone like that. Neither he not his daughter will change.

Leave, go back to your own house, end the relationship and find someone decent.

You were quite right Op, he's another rubbish Dad who won't make his child do anything incase she won't come to see him anymore, worse than that he lets you do it all so he doesn't have to take the blame. Go home Op, he won't get any better

Oh I couldn’t be dealing with all this tedious drama! Bin him off and find someone else.

Thank you everyone for the messages, I have took them all on board even the not so nice ones. I have done some thinking and I have decided to take a step back and not be so concerned about his daughter if her own parents aren’t that bothered then why should they I. I think because I was brought up to be taught the importance of good food and was given amazing home cooked meals I struggle with seeing someone that can just eat noddles and nuggets and that being okay. It was getting me stressed and I have had to slap myself and remind myself that no matter what she is not my daughter.
I will add that I am not trying to be step mum or forcing anything or rushing anything. The relationship has naturally developed this way. The daughter is the one that initially wanted me and her dad to be close and even hinted to her dad to marry me which I have held back on encouraging as I am aware this is still a fresh relationship. I do care about his daughter and just want her to be happy and healthy but not get picked on because of her teeth or how small she is or not being able to cut her own food. I was the bullied kid at school as well as child of divorce so maybe this is causing me to worry more than I should and take a seat back

Not only this great post!

but deep down I think this triggers your sadness and the memory of not being held as a treasure by your natal families. In each you were supplanted by a younger “princess”—now your bf weakly and meekly flutters around this child and neglects you.

Honestly? You deserve better. Dump him and find someone who is capable of maturely loving you.

Hi OP - thanks for the update. I was one of the first to reply and called your boyfriend and lazy bastard.

Being concerned about her eating habits and sugar/snack intake clearly comes from a good place, especially when she is having teeth removed. Encouraging good habits, washing hands and brushing teeth shows good intentions from your part. It will be hard to step back from this. Would you consider showing your boyfriend this thread? At least some of the replies.

Good luck OP.

If the man is not bothered about his child I doubt he will value the opinions of random internet women.

Oh dear - poor child. It's hard for you as you see all these problems but can't do anything to resolve them.

Do you know if the child is any better at their mother's?

Your partner is lazy and you are setting yourself up for being bad cop when you try and help her out. He doesn’t care if she’s bullied, has cavities or whatever. He tries stuff like the timer to shut you up, not because he believes in it. If you weren’t around, he’d let her do what she wanted but if he doesn’t at least pretend to agree with you then you’d probably dump him hence the pretence that he agrees with you.

If you want kids then don’t have them with him. He’s showing you what he’s like as a parent and it’s clear that if his daughter and your baby’s needs clash, who he’d side with. He wouldn’t have high expectation or instil basic rules and once your baby’s needs clash works out that his half sister can do whatever, they will want to do the same because it’s not fair halving a 2 tier household.

If you want to stay with him then move out to your house when she’s visiting so that you don’t feel crap about the neglect and future problems that his dd will have. You have become the nanny with the fanny and I predict more issues in future like your makeup, clothes and hair stuff going missing and your partner defending his dd. Your life doesn’t have to be like this.

Kindly you are not her step mother and only been dating your DP for a year. 100% over stepping the mark here.
Some if your points are valid but it is for your DP to make the changes not you. He is her parent not you.

Honestly, I have no idea how you could be in a relationship with someone that is such a poor father, and I wouldn’t be able to step back and simply watch parents neglect their child and just wash my hands of it because she wasn’t mine. It would be the end for me because there doesn’t seem to be any viable path forwards in the relationship.

Either you have children of your own with him and try and impose separate rules for yours and SD while he continues like this (terrible idea) or you stay, don’t have kids, and are still the step mother that allowed it all to happen and were complicit through inaction. The whole situation sounds dreadful. Poor girl.

How long have you lived with him?

Honestly, I would move out again. Tell him that you need your own space for uni study and work, and that you don't want to get over-involved with parenting his daughter (e.g. deciding her meals, having to tell her off for not washing her hands) as you feel that you are trespassing into areas that should be his domain as he is the parent.
Tell him that you want to continue the relationship, but not live together.

If he ends it, that proves he only wanted a live-in maid / cook / nanny with sex on tap.

I don’t think it had happened naturally. I think your dp is happy to let you you parent so he doesn’t have to and even worse he’s happy to neglect his child rather than step up.

it’s not going to improve and it shows him in a poor light I’d start questioning if you can continue to respect this man.

Does he have her every weekend ?

If so could he have the day out with his daughter on the Saturday and you do tote own thing and then when they get back Saturday afternoon / evening you could have a meal together and then early evening before her bedtime?
Then on the Sunday she could be on her iPad in the morning whilst you have a lie in and then maybe you could have time at home ?
She needs rules ,rules help children to feel safe.
Her teeth sound a nightmare and I think that kids eat too much rubbish.
She only needs a 100 calorie treat or nice fruit strawberries / grapes / blue berries appeal to kids more.so she could be told 100 calorie treat morning / afternoon and a sticker chart for chores/ teeth and tidying.
She really does need her Dad to apply some basic discipline even if it is what a 4 or 5 year old chores would be like.
She will get much worse and so many children end up in hospital with dental related problems which is painful and also she will become more conscience of her appearance over the next few years and sounds like she will blame her parents for having awful teeth.
Do you think he is the one ?
If not take a step back from his spoilt child
Good luck.

@Poodlelove how does the utterly neglected child sound spoilt?

Your concerns are coming from the right place, you care about your partner's daughter, and can see issues because you're on the outside looking in. However, your partner's daughter is HIS responsibility when she is staying with him, not yours. Any changes with food/teeth cleaning/flushing the loo/hand washing needs to be implemented by your partner, because she's his daughter. It's not your responsibility to be doing any of these things. His daughter has two parents, and they are both responsible for parenting her. You've told your partner your concerns, he agrees with you but then expects you to take responsibility for ensuring those changes happen!! Absolutely not on!! Your partner can't be bothered to parent his daughter; it may be for the reasons you state but ultimately he's avoiding responsibility and that is lazy, especially when it's effecting her dental care. Don't have children with this man, he's showing you very clearly what his parenting style is. Step back completely, with the advice and practical help.

Your partner is a lazy crappy dad. His daughter isn't spoilt. She is being neglected although some of your comments like there isn't any point her being with you if she is just on devices are unreasonable. It is what kids do/want to do. She should consider it her home and this is how kids unwind/relax these days and she shouldn't be expected to constantly interact. However that doesn't mean there can't be limits/rules like no screens at the table or no screens until you have done your homework, or time limits etc.

If your partner let her have your bag and dump your stuff on the floor it is him who should be apologising not her. She is just getting mixed messages. No wonder she doesn't know what she is apologising for (when she did something her dad allowed).

Presumably all these things have been bothering you for a while (the meals, the screen time, the mess, the no hand washing/flushing) and he hasn't stepped up and done anything about it. He isn't going to change. This is who he is. Do you want to be with someone like that or not? You have years of this. She is only 10.