Have you found self confidence or assertiveness later in life and made a change that went against expectations?

[Unida]

Just that really…

I don’t know if it’s a product of my childhood but I was pushed massively at school and achieved a lot. I then did the usual things you should do and had political views imposed upon me strongly by family etc. I was almost pushed into many serious life decisions by family.

While I had the ability to think for myself, I lacked the sense of agency to be able to act on my thoughts.

I feel my life has passed by so much that now I have reached a stage where I can try and take the reins more in my own life. I want to make changes but wonder if it’s too late. I wonder who I would be if I was free to have been myself from the start.

Yes.

I married when I was 18, and I remained married for 33yrs to a lovely man who I had known for at least 20yrs wasn't the right man. I just felt life slipping by and did absolutely nothing about my situation.

Until I hit 50 in 2024. It was like a turning point for me. I hadn't travelled abroad in over 20yrs and never alone, so I got a passport and I travelled alone abroad .... three times. I started going to more places, doing more things. I asked my husband if he wanted to go with me, and his answer was always no.

In November 2024 I told my husband that I wanted to separate. In January our house went on the Market and in March this year I took my share of our home and I now live alone in a lovely little village in a cute rental that is manageable for me. I have now found a lovely partner who adores me and vice versa.

For me, life really did begin at 50.

@Belladog1 what an amazing series of events! Thank you for sharing and it’s lovely to hear you are so happy :)

Late thirties I chose to marry a man who was not in any way someone people would expect me to be with. On paper we're all wrong but everyone can see that in life we work. I then had children with him and became a stay at home mother. None of this is what anyone expected from me but I am happy with where I am in my life.

There is a train of thought that goes along the lines of....

"It's never too late to restep the areas of your development that you missed out on, self generated conscious actions make the individual grow and have the ability to reimagine their potential."

I grew up in a home dominated by my father. I am now in my 60s after a low key career but I have realised in the last decade that I have somehow developed a sense of self and become confident and even brave. Today I am off to a large event on my own and feel fine about that! So, I hope that helps xx

Yes, at 42. A game changer, only regret that it didn't happen sooner.

I’m 35 and definitely more assertive than I used to be. I also have a self love that I didn’t have in my 20s.
I think a combination of life events in recent years and my brain/hormones naturally changing as I get older has led me to the point I am at now.

A few months ago a family member told me told I have an attitude when all I was doing was politely disagreeing with him and sticking up for myself. I hate it when people can’t see the difference between attitude and assertiveness. I suppose when you’ve been a doormat your whole adult life and then all of a sudden start saying no, people are going to be a bit annoyed at you for having a voice all of a sudden. 🙄

Yes choosing to be single, at least people eventually stopped asking if id met someone or the 'oh you will meet someone' i found ex friends didnt understand me and were confused by me not fitting into their box, it makes people insecure and jealous as your freedom highlights their entrapment, 'why do you want to do that?' 'Why the hell not!"

@Unida

Sure, but I think it's a byproduct of simply getting older. As we get older we see that time flies swiftly and we want to be as happy as we can for the rest of our lives.

I no longer have a need to impress anyone or be impressed by anyone unless I have my own reason for doing so. You take me as you find me or you can take yourself off. And I will do the same for you.

I no longer suffer fools gladly or allow intentional hurt. I'm not rude or nasty, but if I don't like what you're doing or saying 'in my sphere' I will certainly let you know, quietly but with no minced words. If you don't like it, leave. Or if I leave because of your behaviour or words, accept it and don't make a scene.

I am no longer afraid to satisfy my own wants and needs and don't need anyone's approval or permission before I do. I don't expect others to cater to me, I can cater to myself. I will not satisfy myself at your expense, but neither will I NOT satisfy myself because of your opinion or your inability to do the same. Likewise, it's none of my business what you do to make yourself happy and as long as you don't infringe on my happiness I'll keep my opinions to myself. But if you deliberately hurt me or someone I love I will certainly let you know.

I want to make changes but wonder if it’s too late.

Its never too late! Went bumming around on a gap year at the age of 25. Retrained for another career in my mid 30s. Moved country by myself in mid 40s and had to get a UK qualification. I think as I get older I am more confident that I can manage whatever I want to do. And less bothered by what other people think - because generally people are less judgmental than you expect. And if they do judge you negatively? Fuck 'em, life is too short.

Not too late until you’re dead.

Do you have a particular thing you’ve always dreamed of doing? If so, and if it’s remotely within the realms of possibility, find a way to do it! I had a very late in life gap year that turned into working abroad for a while. It was a great experience I nearly didn’t have because it felt so irresponsible going off travelling at my age.

Or is it a wider feeling that you’re not living authentically as yourself? If so perhaps start jotting down thoughts about who you feel you really are and how your life could better express that.

For me it was getting my first full time job and spending several hours per day with professional adults.

That was after being "held down" by parents/family and school. I had a much older brother who dominated my childhood as I ended up trailing around after him, doing what he wanted to do, etc, so never got chance to do my own thing.

Secondary school was a nightmare due to daily intense bullying, so I basically shut down during my teen years.

Escaping those influences and working with professional adults really changed my outlook and massively improved my self confidence.

I can relate to this. Throughout my childhood and into my teens, I was told what to think, what to do and even what to wear by a controlling mother. I was pushed into a career that I didn't particularly feel comfortable in (it was drummed into me from an early age that I would go into that career) and spent nearly 30 years in it because I didn't know what else to do.
Only now in my mid fifties am I starting to find myself. I've left that career, moved away to an area where I knew nobody and now have a job I love. I'm still trying to get rid of the 'got to do/behave like this because that's what's expected of me' mindset. I have started standing up for myself more and saying no if I don't want to do something. I've still got a long way to go I think until I feel truly myself.