To think the less you do, the weaker your coping mechanisms become (mainly kids related)?

[Easeyso]

This is based on my own experience and also friends and family.

I was a single parent to dd now 5, for 3 years. Logistically they were a breeze compared with negotiating diaries with DP, organising plans with another adult too etc

I had to work full time and I was constantly on the go. Everything was organised, I thought ahead, I was on a roll. I then stopped work for around a year and honestly I struggled so much with motivation! I thought I would be more efficient at home but I was less. My patience with DD lessened as I wasn’t one to one with her as much.

I see it with my sister too. She is a SAHM, no money issues, huge help from my parents, nursery and in laws. Yet she doesn’t cope well. Everything is in disarray, nothing is kept on top of.

I think sometimes the eaiser life is on the face of it, the harder it can be to manage, especially where kids are concerned! I know there’s obviously a tipping point and everyone needs and deserves a break…but do you think there’s something in this theory? Often being busier gets you through in my experience, because you have no choice to opt out

I think there's truth in this. When I am incredibly busy my brain seems to power up and make rapid, correct or good decisions. When I'm less busy my brain powers down almost to standstill and I can dither or worry about things that don't matter at all.

See for me I think it's the opposite. That when my brain is burnt out but I haven't necessarily noticed, I gravitate towards low-demand jobs and situations, and the shit tip that the house becomes is a sign of how badly burnt out I've become in general. Then I feel better, usually without even noticing, and take on more, house is perfect, taking the kids out more at the weekends, earning more, I'm on a roll (as you put it) and everything seems to just work perfectly... until I burn out again. I have ADHD and bipolar though so I'm constantly stuck in this cycle as my energy levels are never steady, even on medication.

I think it’s a use or lose it situation. Maybe a sprinkling of time constraints providing motivation to just-get-it-done thinking. Both of these things apply to me, without them procrastination becomes king and nothing, bar the very basic stuff, seems to be easily accomplished.

@MiraculousLadybug agree. Although the bipolar mania really helps get things done, the corresponding crash can strip away the gains and some. I try to use the highs to get stuff done/plan ahead for the depression. Not always successfully.

In some ways I agree with you, as I find I’m always more efficient when I have lots of plans. I can easily procrastinate an empty day away, but am able to manage loads at work and at home if it’s all in the diary. It’s almost like being busy keeps me active and on track.

However, I’m currently on maternity leave with baby three, and also have a 2yo and 4yo. I find that this is enough to keep me occupied, yet I’m also able to keep on top of things at home. Not sure how my ironing pile and ambitions to try new recipes for the family is going to look when I’m back to full time work as well!

Yes, this for me too! I'm so much 'better' when I'm busy!

Depends. I just get burnt out if I do too much. (Autistic) Much better to pace myself.

I do see your point, but don't think that it's sustainable in the long term to keep pushing through when you have no choice to opt out. At some point for some people, it all comes crashing down with disastrous consequences.

Finding that balance is key - I can see why stopping work for a year for you had the results it did. Going from full time to not working must have been a massive change, so not surprising it affected you and your motivation significantly.

I suppose it’s that saying “if you want something done, ask a busy person”

I think to an extent when you are out of the house most of the time and outsourcing a lot of the drudgery, it is easier.

I used to work 5 days a week, 3 of them with a long London commute, 6am-7pm. Now I mostly work 9-3, but am off work at the moment entirely (cancer treatment).

Life when kids were in nursery 9-5 and Dh and I alternately were working very long days was easier because no one was home. The house didn’t get messy. Meals were largely outsourced to nursery. Working is generally easier than looking after small children all day so we weren’t exhausted by 6pm like we would be if home all day.

Now Dh and I are both home all day (wfh). Dc home from 3:30pm. House gets much messier. Much more cooking and sorting snacks. Kids have activities because not toddlers anymore so lots more running around all evening. It’s definitely more work than working FT. I miss my long commutes actually!

Yes there’s definitely some truth in this. Just from personal observations my friend is a SAHM and she is probably the most disorganised out of the lot of us, not in a majorly bad way but she’s always running behind schedule and is really last minute with stuff. Maybe when you’re working and always busy you’ve got no choice but to be prepared and organised because by not doing it, has wider impacts such as late for work, eating into any downtime you have etc.

I do agree with this in general terms, but I do think there's a sweet spot: not enough going on can give way to procrastination and lethargy, too much, to burnout.

I prepped so hard for the birth of my second baby, thinking that once she came along the house would be a complete mess, I wouldn’t have time to shower, we’d never eat home cooked real food again. The truth is that I’m now so constantly busy that everything is very much kept on top of and managed. I don’t have time to fall behind on anything. The laundry is done, the babies are fed, the house is clean. Having another baby and arguably more to do have made me much more efficient and on top of things.

yanbu, it’s totally a thing. My home was so much more untidy when I had just one child.

It's true and I have a theory on this. I have noticed over the years that so often what successful people have in common is routine. My father used to tell me that routine was very important (his father was in the Navy). I always thought that sounded really boring but now, at 53, I see that he was right.

My exH was a very last minute plans type person and I would spend a lot of time feeling anxious about last minute changes of plan and how we would fit everything in to a day etc.. My now boyfriend is a very routine person who plans things and sticks to the plan and subsequently I feel my life is more peaceful and anxiety has diminished greatly.

I kind of know what you mean. I’ve got 2 preschoolers and work 4 days a week with no family help and I am more organised than I’ve ever been, because I have to be. Even my time keeping is much better. I’m always planning and making lists, where’s before I’d fly by the seat of my pants.

I agree with @DuskyPink1984 about routine.

And I think the difference between working or not is that. It’s not the fact having spare time makes you lazy (why would it be ?!?) but rather that the lack of routine introduces stress and last minute decisions that make things harder/more work

Same with living with someone vs being alone. Someone else in the house will introduce another variable p, esp if that someone believes theyre somehow top of the pack and their needs/wants come first. Ie it’s someone else you need to juggle (more work) and adjust to (again increase in workload).

I find it fascinating though that the first words that come to describe the situation are ‘weak’ or ‘lazy’ as if it was a character flaw rather than a mere organisation issue.

I definitely think when I'm under the most pressure that my brain works better. Up to a certain point and then I go into burn out and function worse than usual.

So I think there is an optimum level.

if you want something done ask a busy person…annoying for busy people but does reflect what you are talking about

While agreeing with others that there is a sweet spot, and that it's definitely possible to be over-busy: I absolutely think that the less you do the bigger and more high-stakes each thing seems. You see it a lot with retired people who will see 'have an optician's appointment' as a big, day-consuming task and worry a lot about the logistics of it: the same person, in pretty much the same state of health, might once have done that as just one of many tasks in a day and so accordingly given it far less headspace. If you're 'under busy' you start to be able to dwell and fret - and that is, in and of itself, exhausting.

I definitely agree with this. I thought I would be more efficient once I went part time, but actually I don't get more done. I think it's probably an inverted U curve - efficiency increases as you get busier, bit then you get to a tipping point where it all gets too much and efficiency decreases.

The busier you are, the more organised and prepared you need to be to cope and get everything done.

But if you are busy you are also used to coping with lots of activity and responsibility.

Whereas if you don’t have much on then one extra big thing can seem huge.

There is also the fact that some people are just better at managing their lives than other people. It’s not polite to say so though! 😆