To ask for your help with burnout?

[yayoikusama]

There's a long story behind this that I'm not going to go into here (mostly because super-long and detailed posts do my head in a bit) but I'll try to give you the important bits so as not to drip-feed later.

Basically, I'm holding on by my fingertips.

In the last 18 months I've had some very stressful events happen, including an emotionally abusive relationship and an international move to a place I know nobody.

Since then my brain and body feel completely broken. I'm physically exhausted constantly (sleeping for hours often during the day), I have brain-fog all the time, I'm forgetful, feel overwhelmed by small things, and I just want everyone to leave me alone. I have zero patience for anyone's needs or desires, and even friends looking for connection feels like a horrendous demand.

Work is fine – I like my job and I like the people I work with, and the workload isn't excessive, but I'm really struggling to do anything. I can't focus, and even small tasks feel massive.

I'm not depressed. I've been depressed before and know the difference – but my nervous system is utterly fried.

My doctor and therapist have both said it looks like burnout, which apparently isn't just a work thing (who knew?), although could also be thyroid, autoimmune, perimenopause... they're doing tests to rule out more physical stuff.

And now I don't know what to do about it. I'd love to take an extended period of time off work to rest, but I can't afford to financially (SSP will hardly cover any of my costs and I'm single and living alone), plus there are things I'm doing at work for the next 2 months that would be really problematic for me to step away from, without having given them time for me to hand over properly.

I'm trying to eat well, I'm doing gentle exercise, I'm sleeping... but nothing's seeming to touch the sides of how I'm feeling.

Has anyone been here before? What did you do that helped? Any suggestions, however weird, are welcome. I just want to feel normal again.

I've been feeling this way for over a year and I'm finally off sick. I got to a point where I couldn't concentrate and didn't know what to do first but for me it came from having too much work.

I'm not being paid but some time away helps.

If you don't want total take time off sick do you have any annual leave you can use to take a week or two off?

I am off sick because of this.

Exhausted all the time, brain fog, depression, needed to sleep in the afternoon...

Two years ago I already had a complete break down/suicide ideation due to a variety of successive trauma and I think I got back to work too early and never really recovered.

I got signed off sick a month and a half ago and then I immediately developed shingles and felt even worse.

My GP said that this is yet another sign that I was completely run down.

So this time I am taking as much time off sick as I need to try to recover and I am looking at changing my job as it has been a massive cause of stress and tiredness (toxic environment and expected to do an unreasonable workload).

My advice would be to not hesitate to be signed off by your GP and take good care of yourself because it becomes even worse.

I found daily meditation (I just use YouTube guided meditations), writing in my journal and doing a weekly pilates class all useful to help me relax. I had started running with the Couch to 5K app but as I am too exhausted at the moment I will start again when I start to recover.

I would say that only time off really will help address burn out. Could you at least book a holiday if you can afford to be signed off sick?

Work out ways to give your central nervous system a break. That will be quite individual but for me it's swimming, a walk in the forest, a bath with dim lights and nice smells.
I like reading fairly easy to read books, even ones from my childhood.
I try to reduce socialising and how much I'm exposed to other people's drama so my phone gets switched to Do Not Disturb and I don't check social media.
I mainly try and keep my diary really empty.

Could it be ptsd?
Do you feel like you are on alert all the time or feel like you could be about to die at any moment?

Wow, there's so many people going through this...

@DragonTrainor I could take annual leave, yes. I'm just single-handedly running a training project for the next 2 months that works with 50 clients, and taking 2 weeks out of that would crash the whole thing. It's not the whole job, so I could do that and only that part, but then I feel like I'd be undermining the point of the time off...

@Summerartwitch I'm so sorry you're in this too – it's shocking, isn't it? I find it really hard to slow down even if I'm not working; I tried to do a meditation the other day and couldn't stick it out until the end.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction the people drama is so LOUD, isn't it? My job involves supporting people in difficult times, and every time I get out of a session I want to scream. That part I can understand, but even a friend sending me a text to check how I'm doing feels like an aggressive attack on my peace. It's totally irrational but I feel like I've got no skin on.

@Geneticsbunny there may be an element of that. I don't feel like I'm about to die, not at all, but I do feel very adrenaline-fuelled.

I've had a couple of periods of burnout before and it's awful how it creeps up on you and just encompasses your daily life, I hope things start to improve for you soon
I think you just have to factor extra rest periods into your days/days off where you can. Try not to fall into the trap of staying in bed for over long periods as that will likely make you more lethargic. Accept you aren't going to be firing on all cylinders for the next bit of time, until you start to feel more rested and that's ok. Try to avoid people who aren't understanding and are likely to make you feel guilty for taking life at a slower pace.

If you haven't spoken to work, please do so as they may be able to put something in place to take some of the pressure off you, especially if they can see you are working with a doctor and therapist to get better.

I luckily have taken off quite a few months off work full pay with burnout. Im seeing how my kindness was taken as a weakness by work and I was taken advantage of. And now I can't unsee it
Things I've done to help: gentle but tough exercise like barre, yoga. Time outside in the garden. Massages. Lots of self care, but not cramming your diary with it. Just well paced self care. And eventually things seem better

I had something similar. In the short space of three months, we had bought our first house that was more of a doer upper than we thought, my Mum died after a sudden cancer diagnosis, my partner lost his job, I was told my contract would not be renewed but got a new job internally. I spent the first year on autopilot trying to deal with it all and spin plates. When things eventually calmed down 18 months later and I had adapted to a 'new normal'. I went to feel very low, lethargic, brain foggy, low energy. I thought it might be depression but it wasn't that, I think my body and mind had just had enough and was reacting to everything that had just happened.

The only thing that helped was having time off. Using my annual leave for rest rather than forcing other plans and being careful what I say yes to. Not easy with childcare responsibilities I know.

Just to say if your body needs the rest try not to fight it and try to give it as much rest as possible without worrying about that

holding on by your fingertips is good enough

doing the bare minimum is good enough

if you are managing to eat reasonably and get a bit of fresh air and exercise that’s doing really well

I am hoping it’s a simple physical fix , but this day and age we do expect instant recovery from anything including trauma and it can take time

it’s frustrating being in recovery but that’s just how it goes - keep hanging on, keep sleeping

Hey, firstly, well done on recognising that this is burnout, what you’ve described sounds exactly like it.

Secondly, be careful not to fall into the trap of trying to ‘manage’ burnout, rather than address it head on. So many people in life (and on Mumsnet) ask ‘how do I fix this’, but what they really mean is ‘how can I keep living my exact same life/work/responsibilities but feel better’. Recognise that you can’t. I bet you are a smart, intelligent, empathetic woman who has already tried little
tips and tricks, asked friends, googled etc and put them all in place, and they still aren’t working. There is a reason. This isn’t just tiredness or exhaustion after a big project or end of term - it’s burnout. You’d never tell someone with severe sunburn to keep going back out in the sun for 5 hours each day, or someone with diabetes to keep eating lots of sugar or someone with a broken leg to walk it off. You need to shift your thinking and understand that all those little stressful emotional interactions at work are adding to the emotional burnout - eg more sun on the sunburn etc.

Proper plan is a good amount of time off work to just rest - physical rest (sleep), emotional rest (put away the phone for a week - tell people - say no to everything social), add some gentle exercise when you feel ready - walks, yoga, meditation, and slowly nourish yourself back. It will take awhile, not just a week or two. Your body isn’t a machine.

Short term if you absolutely can’t take time off work - book a 4 day long weekend or a week off work. Make a big pot of vegetable soup or a salad to eat for those days. Turn your phone off (warn people). And rest. Sleep. No scrolling on phone. Gentle walks. Read or watch low energy romantic comedies (best those made in the 90s as they are less jumpy in the film making). No Mumsnet, twitter, emails, texts, nothing to agitate the nervous system. Rest. Afternoon sleeps. Nourishing food. Early nights. Think of the different types of rest - emotional, physical, spiritual etc and try and address them all.

When you return to work, plan another long weekend in 2 weeks time. Also when back at work protect your peace. Early nights, nourishing food, try and limit things that add to your emotional load. Have another break soon.

Warning though - if you do the short term plan above, thinking it will ‘get you through’ and with the attitude of trying to keep limping along, you are likely to keep feeling this way and at some point. Your body will give out and taking forced time off won’t be a choice anymore. You’ll be too burnt out and possibly physically unwell (as it will
manifest physically) and put yourself out for months longer.

Being exposed constantly to other peoples distress at work will not allow you to heal and recover.

I fond that meditation/sleep apps are really good for helping to deactivate my nervous system.

I was the doer and the organiser in our social group. It’s been eye opening to see how that has played out but cutting out that white noise of other peoples needs is so important.

Oh, @3LemonsAndLime I had a little cry reading your message. Thank you so much.

I think on some level I'm waiting for permission to not be ok - for things to get bad enough that I'm allowed to rest. I just don't know how bad that would have to be. And I've done such a good job of pretending everything's OK, it feels like it'd just come right out of the blue and I worry I wouldn't be believed.

Plus there's something going on about how I'm the one everyone comes to for guidance on how to manage life and work things – not having it all together feels like such a betrayal of my identity, and of all the people who look to me for wisdom and advice.

Everything you've said is true and right, I know – it's what I would say to anyone else. But I hold myself to a whole different set of expectations and even though it's kind of arrogant to think that I'm somehow special, deep down I think I must believe that. Which is a pretty unpleasant realisation to come to, too.

Well, it's looking like a double whammy.

Bloods came back showing inflammation in my system (not sure what specifically told them that) and the doctor said she'd not be surprised if I'm in burnout.

AND my oestrogen is super-low and my FSH is high, so they're sending me for more bloods in 6 weeks time with the suspicion of premature ovarian insufficiency... very similar to a very very early menopause.

I'm reeling – don't know what to make of it all, and 6 weeks feels like a long time to sit in limbo....

Vitamin supplements, gentle swimming several times a week, revisit old series and books, gardening, laughter. Lots of laughter. Fine funny things to watch and listen to and read.

Well perimenopauase can totally screw mental health so that could well be your answer. Can They put you on hrt as a trial while you are waiting for results? You will know within a week or even a day if they are helping.

That's a good question – I don't know.

I'm not booked in to see anyone again until the next blood test, but maybe it's worth getting in to the GP for another chat.

I honestly feel like a shell of myself...

Yep. That's how perimenopauase felt to me...

I am entirely in the managing burnout camp, too, OP. It’s horrendous and I’m barely coping, always on the edge. I’ve been trying to manage it as you have for months, doctors tell me to take time off, which isn’t possible, then try to get me on antidepressants, but that’s not what this is.

A beautiful post by @3LemonsAndLime above but nether the long term or short term plans are possible for me. I physically cannot take time off work, and am not entitled to any holiday allowance or sick pay.

It’s manifesting in my physical health too, OP, putting me in the hospital multiple times recently (which still didn’t get me any time off work).

I wish I knew what the answer was, I’m beginning to think the only one is a complete change of lifestyle. Perhaps this is the mid life crisis.