Am I strange for feeling like this re friend?

[vixsta2001]

long story short! Held a 25th anniversary festival party last week with around 70 close friends and family.

My eldest friend since I was 12 has social anxiety and has never showed up to my Hen party, 30th party and 40th etc. I’ve felt let down but accept she finds it hard.

She asked if she could bring a friend to latest party and of course I said that was great to make her feel more comfortable, Even though she knows my whole family well.
Party started at 4pm. She arrives at 8.30pm with 3 friends, no problem I’ve met them all.
As you can imagine being the host, I was trying to make sure I had time for all that made the effort. When I got to her she made a sly comment of ‘well how nice of you to come and speak to us’ which I thought was so unnecessary and bitchy, but just brushed over it.

About 10 mins later (at 10.30pm) she jumps up and says her Uber was here, I said ‘oh you’ve only been here 2 hrs’ to which she then announced they were off to the local pub!! I was quite taken back as we had live music and it was such a lovely vibe, all my family and friends were welcoming to them, she definitely wasn’t feeling uncomfortable!

So off they went. After that I’ve struggled to not feel resentful towards her. I’ve been a really loyal and supportive friend but the one time she shows up she bails out very quickly to a grotty pub full of sweaty students in town! Am I being too sensitive feeling like I don’t really want to speak to her right now, I’ve spent the last 30 years making allowances to her and this was a big deal for us. She was with me the day I met my Dh so she’s part of our story but then she does this.

I know there are bigger things to worry about in the world but wonder Aibu and nuts or if my feelings are valid and that now is a time to create some distance between us due to the friendship being quite one sided.

I’d drop her in a heartbeat.

She sounds awful. I’d also go no contact.
Horrible way to treat someone

I don't have social anxiety - but I usually hate parties and large gatherings. One that started at 4 and was still going strong at 10.30 sounds like my idea of hell.

I'll turn up, but would generally prefer meeting with a friend 1:1 or in a small group.
You've known this woman for so long - why not accept she doesn't like all the same things you do?
You had 70 guests that turned up, and you thought it was a great evening.
You thought her comment was snide - but she is socially awkward, and was forced to think of something to say - so what if it wasn't entirely appropriate - but you not greeting/speaking to her for over an hour and a half doesn't make you sound like a great host.
The pre ordered uber is a good escape plan - or maybe she realised that what she said would have come across as rude & wanted to make a quick exit.

why not note your differences, remain friends, but accept she doesn't enjoy parties.
How often do you have parties to just acknowledge that it's not really her thing? - there must be other aspects to you friendship if its continued since you were 12.

I would drop her too.

She came despite her anxiety, that was probably a big deal for her. I wouldn’t get worked up about the rest.

I think attending a party for two hours is fine?
it was my 40th Sunday and lots of people ‘popped in’ for an hour or two, and some stayed for 4hrs. I had a brilliant birthday.

You're making it sound like she owes you! " I’ve been a really loyal and supportive friend but the one time she shows up she bails out very quickly to a grotty pub full of sweaty students in town! " Also "it was such a lovely vibe, all my family and friends were welcoming to them, she definitely wasn’t feeling uncomfortable" - You have no idea what was going on in her head. Just because you were enjoying yourself, it doesn't automatically mean that she was. Maybe she didn't like the band that was playing. Maybe she was putting a brave face over feeling crap because of her anxiety. She turned up even though she has social anxiety, spent two hours at your party and then left. I don't think she did a lot wrong.

Has she got a long happy marriage to celebrate and a big group of friends and family? If life has kicked her in the face then she may struggle to be a cheerleader for other people’s. She may have thought that showing her face for two hours was as much as she could cope with.

@KrisAkabusi no I really don’t think she ‘owes me’ what I meant was that I’ve always been there above and beyond for her regardless If I didn’t really want to be I’ve always given her my all.
The thing is, I had many other friends who simply popped in for an hour or two due to different reasons and I was absolutely fine with that. I think I’m just upset as she specifically chose to go to the pub during my party instead of staying to enjoy it. I had spoken to her before an hour! It was just when I had time to properly sit and chat when she upped and left.

@Screamingabdabz I think you may be right actually! The reason I’ve been there so much for her was that’s she been through a breakup with the father of her two children, but I’m struggling with the fact that she brought her mates and seemed happy enough. Then she’s off! But why not just say she’s not coming or just say before she’ll only be there an hour or so…I think it’s odd

@alcoholnightmare and there were many that popped in! It’s just her being my oldest, supposedly closest friend that’s hurt me.

Also, for the record, she was dancing and brought a bag full of booze! We’ve recently been to concerts so it’s not the crowds and she’s no longer medicated for her anxiety! So this isn’t a case of poor little her sitting in the corner biting her nails!!

I think I’m just upset as she specifically chose to go to the pub during my party instead of staying to enjoy it.

Maybe she just genuinely felt she'd have a better time at the pub. And if it took you an hour to get round to speaking to her, she probably didn't feel that her presence was all that important to you anyway.
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It was your party, organised to be what you wanted and that's fine and great but it doesn't mean everyone would enjoy it.

I knew someone (I wouldn't call her a friend) and she used to organise big parties with a festival vibe and live bands in her garden.

I disliked.the idea of it so much that I turned down an invitation for my band to play there.

To reiterate, I spoke to her many times whilst she was there! But able to fully sit and chat ‘properly’ after an hour!

She’s not your friend. Ditch!

I'd be very annoyed but I'm not sure if I'd let it ruin a life long friendship. I'd be more annoyed she didn't attend your hen, 30th and 40th! Maybe she is starting to get over her anxiety and this can only be a good thing for her but also for your friendship. It is strange she left for a pub but maybe she wanted to talk to her two other friends, maybe she doesn't like your family much. It seems the bar is low for her because she has used her anxiety as an excuse for so long. It will be interesting to see if her new found social tolerance will include you. I'd say watch this space, if it happens again you have the right to be furious!