To think marriage takes effort and too many people treat it like it should run on autopilot?

[RealWasp]

I’m not saying it should feel like a constant struggle but it surprises me how many people seem shocked that long-term commitment needs attention, compromise, and actual maintenance.

AIBU to think love isn’t always enough and relationships only work when both people are willing to show up and do the work?

Totally agree but I’d say this applies to any relationship, not just marriage.

I don’t think a marriage should take a lot of effort. It’s been very easy being married to my DH.

We've been married for 20 years together 27. We are not wealthy and life in general has not been particularly kind to us, but the one thing that has never taken any work or effort is our relationship. It is the constant and whatever chaos is going on around us, with kids, work etc, we always know that we have each others backs. if I was to analyse it, I think it works because he puts me first and I put him first and when the kids were little they came first. This wouldn't work if one of us was particularly selfish but we are a unit on the same team.

We share finances, housework, we have our strengths and work to them and we don't score points because if we did I would lose 😂 It did take a few years to get into the swing of things though and there were a few stressful years when the kids were little due to severe lack of sleep.

well you might want to @RealWaspbut I don’t want to “work” 😳 in marriage
just wanted a supportive relationship that felt great, like a great friendship where you totally “get” each other from day 1 but with sex 🤷🏽‍♀️ not constant one sided discussions and one sided debriefs and certainly not compromise, I wanted to be myself and I wanted my husband to want what I want so we’re both working together for the same things, so I’m not married anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yes I agree, its about putting the effort in to keep each other happy, not acting like you've "caught your bus" and just sitting back.

Depends what you mean by effort. Dh and I been together for 20 years, still very happy and love each other to bits. Our relationship is easy in that we work as a team, no drama’s, both pull our weight, have our own interests as well as being a close family unit.

we make an effort in terms of not taking each other for granted, we have regular date nights etc.

our relationship has never felt hard though.

oh dear. I don’t think we work at marriage at all really. 20 years on and I still adore DH and like him more than any other person. But I cannot say that it takes a lot of effort or maintenance or compromise. Mostly kindness

I'm not sure. I've never considered that my relationship needs work. We get along, communicate well, and we're happy. Its simple and easy.

It depends. If you put your marriage on the back burner and make no effort to nurture it while raising children takes up all your energy, then yes it will take a lot of effort to rekindle once the children are grown and living their own lives.

The marriages that I’ve seen seem easier to make work nearly always involve a woman who is with an easy going bloke who works hard ,does his fair share and is happy with what he has. They often have quite bossy wives too

Yes of course. I know lots of posters will come on and claim they have wonderful relationships that are Easy Peasy, perfect understanding and communication, have each others backs, etc etc etc

But plenty hit tough patches, rows, financial difficulties, sex dries up, just plain pissed off with the other. That's when you work at it or walk.

Lucky old you if you're in the first group, but I think you're in the minority.

If you can both communicate and compromise fairly, that goes a long way. Similar values help a lot too.

I think the posts that we see on relationship boards a lot, are those where it's mostly only one partner making any effort.

I agree it doesn’t take work, it’s easy when it’s the right person.

🙄

Depends what you mean by work. I don’t feel that my marriage takes any particular effort?

Same. I’m genuinely not sure what ‘work’ means in this context.

100% this. I thought my marriage was one of the good ones until life hit, and suddenly I was doing everything in terms of supporting him while he just dove into the bottle. When my dad died, I got zero support, because I had to deal with his trauma from losing his FIL.

It's only easy if both partners are putting in as well as taking out.

Marriage being hard work is a myth peddled to women to keep them stuck with pointless, crap men.
Marriage is to enhance your life and make it easier. The whole point of any relationship at all.

Yes, that’s the crux. Effort doesn’t feel like effort when your partner is kind, thoughtful and pulls their weight. When someone is good to you, it makes you feel more inclined to be good to them in return - it’s a virtuous circle and feels effortless.

If one partner is lazy, selfish and thoughtless, you’re on a hiding to nothing. You’ll feel resentment at everything you do for them if you’re getting nothing back.

DH and I joke the secret to our good marriage is we live in different countries!

I don't think "work" is quite the right word. It needs respect and not taken for granted.

What? It’s true.

The best and longest relationship I had was effortless, only ended as he died. We went through tragedies, losing jobs, kids etc and we just worked well together.
I’ve been in other relationships that were an effort, and that’s how I knew they weren’t right for me. If a relationship is hard work, stressful, sad etc then whats the point..

I would agree that marriage takes effort and work. By that I don't mean that it needs to feel hard, but that we both pull our weight at home and we communicate openly (and respectfully). It means that we see ourselves as equal partners and we 'work' to fix things early if they arise rather than bury our heads in the sand (so it is easier to fix). It doesn't mean we are going round being stressed, but that the marriage working is a priority for both of us.