Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite separated MIL & FIL to kids birthday at same time?

25 replies

Dotdotdotx · 09/07/2025 12:04

Our little one is still fairly young and every birthday I have gone to quite a lot of effort to avoid my husband’s parents having to come into contact with each other at her birthday. We’ve either had a big party with enough people that they don’t even need to say hi or we’ve had to do it all twice. Both are remarried and have been at our wedding etc. There’s no massive issue but have just never forced them to be together in small numbers before.

Neither make much effort at all to see her throughout the year. We go to them every time and they can go 2 months without asking about her. This year I feel like either just not mentioning her birthday to see if they remember (one set have forgot the past two years til they’ve been asked) or inviting them round for a small thing in the afternoon with my family. I just can’t face the hassle of revolving her birthday around people she barely sees every year 🤦🏻‍♀️ Do I keep doing seperate or just leave it up to them?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 09/07/2025 12:10

Honestly, I wouldn't bother. Neither of them put themselves out to see their grandchild.

Why would you make arrangements that revolve round them when they can't be bothered to even ask about their grandchild for two months? They sound self-involved and selfish.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 09/07/2025 12:18

How young is LO. I think the first couple of years its nice to have a family do but I wouldn't make any special arrangement to keep your PIL apart. From about 3 onwards I would be inviting the child's little friends to something age appropriate, if grandparents want to tag along and watch the fun fine, but no need for anything special to be arranged for them.

EagleOnTheWall · 09/07/2025 12:20

Tell DH your parents are coming on X date for DC's birthday, does he want to invite his parents too?

Original poster
Dotdotdotx · 09/07/2025 12:22

thepariscrimefiles · 09/07/2025 12:10

Honestly, I wouldn't bother. Neither of them put themselves out to see their grandchild.

Why would you make arrangements that revolve round them when they can't be bothered to even ask about their grandchild for two months? They sound self-involved and selfish.

I’m amazed this is the first comment. I was expecting it to say I made no effort with them or somehow blaming me for them not seeing her! They are very much only interested in themselves and it’s like they see her a token time so they don’t need to feel bad that they haven’t

OP posts:
UnicornMamma · 09/07/2025 12:22

My parents in law are separated. Bith remarried, fil to a lovely lady, mil to the person she left him for (before my time)

We never split celebrations for them. I leave it up to them. Everyone gets invited as they are both grandparents to our girls.

Tourmalines · 09/07/2025 12:25

Just invite them all together along with whoever else you invite .

Freeme31 · 09/07/2025 12:26

tell them when and where snd leave up to them if they want to come. Say something like small family get together at our house. Don’t stress they clearly dont stress about seeing your child. The invite is there up to them as grown adults if they want to come

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 09/07/2025 12:38

Match their energy. Don't give them a moments thought. Their son can invite them and sort any visits if he wants.

BernardButlersBra · 09/07/2025 13:00

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 09/07/2025 12:38

Match their energy. Don't give them a moments thought. Their son can invite them and sort any visits if he wants.

This. I wouldn't give it any headspace

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 09/07/2025 13:28

This isn’t even your problem, your husband needs to sort it as he sees fit but if it involves doing things twice he needs to sort that too.

DuckBee · 09/07/2025 13:32

Why are you even worrying about this? You invite them it’s up to them what they do. For example my ex husband doesn’t drive so when both our grandchildren were born I took him to meet them. It wasn’t the most exciting 6 hours of my life but we put the children first.

CagneyNYPD1 · 09/07/2025 13:38

The day should revolve around your dd, not grown adults. Tell them time and place, job done.

If your OH wants to, they can talk to their own parents and give them the heads up. Drop the rope.

purplecorkheart · 09/07/2025 13:43

Honestly, I would invite who you want to the party. Then you dh can tell his parents that the party is on x date at y time and that they are welcome to join. If they ask he can tell them the other parent is invited. I wouldn't be inviting loads of people or having two parties just to suit them.

Daisyvodka · 09/07/2025 13:53

Yeah you dont need to worry about this - if there was something significant that meant being in the same room together was a total no (like currently going through a heated divorce) but otherwise dont put yourself out! If they cant behave like adults thats on them, but it doesn't sound like there's an issue to begin with.

MauraLabingi · 09/07/2025 14:03

If you are inviting your own parents or other family I would just message DH's parents too, to let them know where/when. They can come if they want to.
If you aren't inviting any other family because DD has moved on to friends only parties, then don't invite DH's parents either.

UrbanFan · 09/07/2025 14:08

I think you are creating a problem for yourself that doesn't exist. Have your shindig, invite them and let them decide for themselves if they want to attend. Your focus should be on your baby, not a couple of fully grown adults. It really isn't your problem is it.

Whatdoidotoday · 09/07/2025 14:34

Why on earth are you twisting yourself to please people who don’t even seem to care in return? Just do what suits you, and leave the adults to adult.

Vaxtable · 09/07/2025 14:41

One event and it’s up to them to come or not

JSMill · 09/07/2025 15:57

I wouldn’t bother. I can’t understand how little interest they show in her.

fthisfthatfeverything · 09/07/2025 16:01

Tell them your plans, if they go they go… If they don’t, they don’t!

SunshineAndFizz · 09/07/2025 16:11

Why do you worry about them being in the same place? They need to put up with it or not come.

Boomer55 · 09/07/2025 16:12

My ex and I do all the family stuff in a friendly way, but it depends on their relationship. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Dotdotdotx · 09/07/2025 22:40

thank you all for such a positive response 😅 If they ask about her birthday (or remember) I’ll get my husband to say they’re more than welcome to pop round but we’re not having a party this year

OP posts:
Florin · 10/07/2025 20:50

My split parents in laws have never been in the same room together as our child he is now 13 and we decided on that. I never wanted our child to feel like they have to worry about the dynamics of who they are paying more attention to etc. He has an awesome relationship with both sides and such great experiences but he understands they are separate and didn’t want to put him in a position where he has to worry about it, it was and is something they is massively important to me. It’s isn’t about the Grandparents it’s about the child being happy and comfortable.

Sennelier1 · 11/07/2025 09:24

If they're not interested in your child I wouldn't even invite them, but I understand you maybe "have to". Then do just that, invite them for birthday cake, blowing the candles and presents. Tell them in advance their ex will be there too so they know. Maybe they'll bow out, but then you,don't have to invite them ever again. If all goes well and everybody behaves you wont have to stress about it next year 😊

New posts on this thread. Refresh page