Relationship with DH on the brink....

[curlseverytime]

As the title says really...

So backstory - my mum died almost 2 years ago. We were exceptionally close (I'm an only child, my dad left us when I was small) and she was only young (late 50s) when she was diagnosed - and subsequently died - from a brutal cancer. It was horrendous. I was her primary carer along with DH and some other relatives / close friends of my mum. DH was fantastic, hugely supportive and couldn't do enough for me (or my mum). I wouldn't have got through it without him.

The few months after she died I functioned as normally as possible. Looking back I was on autopilot (and probably in denial).

Roll on 6ish months and everything fell to pieces. I couldn't carry on at work, was crying in the toilets every day and having breakdowns at home on a weekly basis. I fell into an awful, anxious place where I relied on DH for absolutely everything. He couldn't even go to work or to his hobby without me panicking about him not coming home and ringing him constantly. I didn't want to do anything at all apart from stay at home with him and didn't feel "safe" if I had to do anything else outside of our normal routine.

Anyway, I took some time off work (thankfully I have a brilliant boss), got lots of therapy and I got back into exercising and my hobbies (which at times DH had to force me out of the house to do!). After a few months I started to feel a bit better and more like myself. Things were good for a while and I felt a bit more like myself.

These last few months I seem to be slipping back into the place I was in 12-18 months ago. I constantly worry DH is going to get sick of me / leave me (then make it worse by following him round asking him if everything is ok over and over again). I cling to him whenever we are out at social events, worry if ever he's quiet that I've done something wrong, my mood is all over the place and I just feel like a complete pathetic mess tbh.

I am still exercising, still trying to do my own thing but I just can't seem to get past this constant, terrifying feeling that DH is going to leave me (even though he constantly reassures me that he won't). As amazing and understanding as he is, he (understandably) gets so frustrated with me, says that he doesn't recognise me sometimes and asks what's the point in him reassuring me when I don't believe him anyway. I hate what I am doing to him and to us.

Both of us are now at a point where we keep asking when will this end? When will I go back to "normal"? Will our relationship survive? Is this just how life is after bereavement / grieving? Will I always be scared I'm going to be left again?

The most frustrating thing is that I used to be such an out-going, independent and carefree person! And even more frustrating is that everything else in our relationship is great. We love, trust and care for each other immensely, we're each others best friend, have a great sex life, laugh together every day. We've always been rock solid!

I'm so scared but I really, really don't know what else to do. More therapy??? Couples therapy?

Can anyone relate to this? Or offer any advice??

Thank you in advance x

More therapy. I think your issues are understandable but too deeply embedded to be 'cured' in the sessions you had. And if you are having more therapy you are indicating to your DH that you are acknowledging that you have a problem and you are trying to fix it.

I think you probably both have to readjust your expectations. Likely this has been decades in the making, since your dad left, and is not going to be resolved in a couple of months of therapy.

Did you talk about your dad in therapy?

If your husband is really the committed, rock solid partner you describe, he will stick with you through this, as long as you are doing everything you can to seek the help and do the work that the professionals suggest.

I'm so sorry about your mum, I lost my mum 3 years ago suddenly so I can understand some of what you're going through. It sounds like you're being hard on yourself, there's no set plan or formula for grief, it's a total rollercoaster.
I'd suggest more therapy, specifically with a grief counsellor, I believe some can be accessed free or low cost through bereavement charities. It's important to understand that there's nothing 'wrong' with you, to give yourself some compassion for this awful situation you're going through.

Was there a trigger recently that set you back? You've not long witnessed someone you love passing away from what sounds to be a traumatic manner. You sound like you're also processing the fact that you are now an orphan so to speak. Be kind to yourself. Maybe find yourself a tree or outdoor space to just sit and breathe? That way you're out from under your husband's feet, giving him room but also investing in your well-being. Or if you can afford it, maybe sign up to some form of retreat where you can explore your bereavement in a safe space? I wish I was able to do that and sit with my bereavement and grief, not feeling rushed to get through the next step of bereavement (think there's 12 steps, from memory). Sorry for your loss 💗

I would definitely go back to therapy. Specifically grief counselling. What you've described is not uncommon and often the death of a parent can bring up lots of unresolved feelings. You suffered significant trauma in caring for your mum before her death and that is something you need to recover from also.

Try and find alternative coping mechanisms rather than asking for constant reassurance from your DH - this is obviously driving a wedge between you and must be frustrating for him when he knows it doesn't help. Have you tried meditation and mindfulness for your anxiety? The calm app is great for meditations and breath work that can really help reduce anxiety. Practices regularly, it's a good tool and will enable you to have some agency over controlling the anxiety rather than looking to DH to reassure you.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I was just wondering if the experience of losing two very important people in your life (your dad leaving and your mum passing away) in a way that was totally out of your control, turbulent and traumatic has given you such insecurity that you might lose another important person in your life i.e. your husband. Maybe because of the unpredictability of life and relationships your mind is obsessively looking for (a) reassurance that your husband is happy and (b) signs that your husband is not happy and that you can prepare mentally and have some control or even foresight over the situation. I think that recognising the why you feel the way you do can help you change the way you feel. Please be kind to yourself, don't be angry or frustrated with yourself for feeling the way you do.

I definitely agree that counselling would be a good idea.

I wouldn't involve him in the counselling initially. As others have said grief counselling. Perhaps even EMDR for PTSD - maybe you don't have full blown PTSD bit it does sound like you've experienced multiple traumas that need addressing. Tell him you are going for this treatment, you recognise the impact on him, and you want him to hang in there. Try to vent in other ways than to him in the meantime where yiu can eg if you're feeling anxious write it down rather than tell him. I'm not saying bury your feelings as that too is unhealthy, more just don't expose every single detail to him and try to protect him from it a bit so he can be your happy place as well as your support with anxiety etc.

By all means take up more therapy, but from my experience, a key way through this is to shift your focus away from yourself and your feelings and towards others or something else. Volunteering, nature, a challenge, a choir, friends, a hobby. Perhaps do something in memory of your dear Mum. Therapy may play a role, but in truth, grief will subside faster by focussing direction away from yourself. Wishing you well.

Everyone grieves differently but you do need professional support to get through what are, kindly, your issues. This isn't a couples therapy problem.

Because of grief, you've developed unhealthy coping behaviours and you need to unlearn those and learn new ones. Asking for help is hard but perhaps speak to your boss about any employee support schemes they may have.

You do need professional support though, and I say this kindly as someone who went through similar X

Wow - thank you all for your lovely responses so far. I was half expecting a dressing down in terms of my behaviour towards DH so I am hugely grateful that people are understanding. It has made me more emotional than normal!

It's pretty unanimous so far that I need to get more therapy which I do agree with. I had therapy many years ago to deal with abandonment issues (probably based on what happened with my dad which was pretty traumatic too) but what has happened with my mum has brought the existing problems back to the surface with added abandonment problems on top.

I had around 20 sessions in my last course (about 18 months ago) but then once I felt "better, I just stopped going. In hindsight probably a mistake which I won't make again...

More therapy but focussed on the now rather than the 'then'.

Yes I have had therapy previously to talk about my dad and he was brought up in the recent therapy sessions too.

Long story short but he left me and my mum when I was in primary school and then not long after, I found out that he wasn't my biological dad. So I was basically "abandoned" by him twice. I actually don't remember much about this time in my life (previous therapists have said that tends to happen with childhood trauma) but I imagine that was when the majority of problems started...

Not recently but last year we lost a baby and I don't think I really dealt with that either?! Maybe the combination of everything has just been bubbling away under the surface? I'm not sure....

I realize that there is a lot that you need to process (I am so so sorry about the loss of your mum, and all the pain and sorrow you have been through) so returning the therapy is going to be key. But this seems to me like a case where some short-term medication might help too. Have you discussed this with your doctor as an option, as you have really given the therapy a go during the first period that you really struggled, and mean to continue with it now?
I took medication short-term to deal with tremendous anxiety and sorrow, while also continuing therapy. It really helped.

Thank you @Endofyear ❤I will download the Calm app and have a look at this tonight. I did try mindfulness whilst I was having therapy but then as soon as I felt better (or more "like myself") I stopped.

I realise now that stopping all treatment and coping mechanisms cold turkey was idiotic of me and has probably caused the gradual but eventual slip back into bad thought processes and unhealthy thinking...

You will get there lovely, be patient with yourself 💐

I do sympathise with you so much and I understand the pain of losing a key parent, it’s devastating especially with not a lot of warning, this happened to me too

I don’t know a lot but reading your posts, I feel that your husband will be there for you through thick and thin so take your time to recover in your own time, there’s no pressure on you except what you inflict upon yourself, everyone else who cares is just waiting for your comeback, and I send you love and healing, you can do it IN your own time ❤️‍🩹

I think you need to differentiate between what you think and what you do or say. Being terrified DH will leave you is your thoughts, but continuously calling him or asking him is your actions and is very unfair on him. If you love him you need to stop this. You may not be able to control your intrusive thoughts but you can control the words that come out of your mouth or the phone calls you make.

I hope you get a hand on your anxiety soon, it sounds awful. I lost my Mum quite young too and I know how horrendous it is, I had siblings and that can make all the difference. We still had a family but you've lost that too. It must be incredibly difficult xx

Edited to add i just saw the update about the baby. God love you, that's so much loss.

Thank you so much ❤

Thank you ❤You're absolutely right and I think that's what I need to work on. I know it isn't fair on him!

I did contact a few therapists yesterday off the back of the advice on this thread and I have a telephone consultation with one of them tomorrow morning 😊She actually specialises in bereavement therapy and associated anxiety surrounding loss so very specific to my issues which I feel optimistic about.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice ❤