Renovation tearing me and DP apart

[exhaustedandwholly]

Just need to vent. This renovation is destroying our relationship and I’m not sure I'll make it through.

DP and I are renovating our house, and it’s costing £65k, which I’m paying for entirely from an early inheritance from my dad. I’ve also paid off £100k of our mortgage. DP will be repaying the remaining £100k. He’s borrowing that directly from my dad on an interest-free basis over 12 years. So while we’ll each have contributed equally to the mortgage in the long run, I’ll technically be mortgage free and won’t be making any further payments.

DP is a plumber, so he’s taken on all the plumbing to save us money. But every evening after work, we’re knee deep in renovation tasks, and he constantly complains about how exhausted he is and how he’s doing everything. Meanwhile, I’m also working full time, and I’ve been managing the entire project. I’ve booked and coordinated all the trades (painter/decorator, flooring, carpenter, kitchen fitters), designed and ordered the new kitchen, chased deliveries, timelines, quotes the lot. It’s been relentless, and I’ve done it all while juggling my job.

Despite that, he acts like I contribute nothing. He makes sarcastic comments about how easy I have it because of the money, that he doesn't get to choose anything in the house (he's useless with decorating) completely forgetting it’s my inheritance that I’ve chosen to invest in our home. My family have helped him too. He wouldn’t even be able to afford the rest of the mortgage without the interest free loan from my dad, but he seems completely ungrateful.

We barely speak anymore. When we do, it’s tense or ends in an argument. I’ll admit I’ve had a go at him he’s promised to sort various bits of work and then forgets, which is infuriating when we’re working to a deadline (the kitchen’s being fitted end of July). I’m mentally and emotionally worn down. The constant sniping, the lack of appreciation, and his resentment are making me question if I even want to be with him.

Just want a bit of advice if anyone has gone through this. I'm not even looking forward to the end, I just want it over with so I can avoid him.

Why are you giving this man a house? This isnt someone you are going to want to have children with. He cant even recognise your value and contribution now, imagine what he will be like with children. Pay him for his plumbing, take on the loan from your Dad yourself, and move on. Find someone who values and cares for you.

I do love it when the first post nails it!

Don't let him borrow the money from your dad. What if your dad passes away before the loan is repaid?

This ungrateful man does not sound like someone I would be setting up to have a cushy life.

You need legal advice, even if it's only to protect your interests.

We've gone through a solicitors so he would have to pay it back regardless

DP ? or DH ?

It worries me when women spend so much on a boyfriend, mind you a husband can go for 50/50...

Honestly @exhaustedandwholly renovations are stressful, but if you haven’t got kids, then just leave this man. If you can’t cope now, you won’t cope when you have children.

if you don’t want children, I’d still bin him off as it sounds like you are bringing far more to the table.

You do realise that eithe you or your father's estate will eventually have to pursue him for this money.

He's already resentful of the situation and I've rarely seen resentment disapate over time, it just builds.

You would be better off buying him out his share now and doing the renovations over time.

So you’re paying for a house and renovating it and he’s doing a bit of DIY and he’s moaning - Wtaf are you doing?!

So you are paying £165k upfront and he will be paying 100k over 12 years to your dad.?

Have you an agreement on splitting equity if your relationship breaks down?

He’s borrowing that directly from my dad on an interest-free basis over 12 years.

what happens if you split?

What do you mean? So a legal loan arrangement with redress has been signed between the pair of them?

This all sounds like a total shit show

you’re not planning on having a family together are you?

As usual first post nails it

This is a terrible idea

If he isn’t getting a say in decoration and he’s having to borrow from your family to pay his share I can see why he feels like a passenger and it would get you down.

I think having a partner’s parents invest in this sort of arrangement is awful for a couples equality and dynamic.

This is a terrible idea and you're really going head first for a fall. I'd put the brakes on it all immediately and take stock.

I’m confused. Is your dad alive? You said you had an inheritance from him?

Have you actually had a discussion about why each of you seems to resent the other?

Renovations are hard work!! Living in dust, constant chaos, trades in and out, the constant work every evening and weekend. It’s relentless!

His strengths may not be in decorating but are you including him in the process? Are you getting stuck in and helping with the manual jobs? You both need to communicate and realise you are on the same team.

@catin8oot5The money is actually a gift from her dad. Probably to avoid IGT. It’s a part payment of her inheritance IF he had died. He hasn’t.

Not being married and spending all this money is ludicrous in the circumstances. It’s now just a business project but the finances are mad too. The mortgage must be reapplied for in the name of DP only. If OPs name is on it, she’s still liable. One house, one mortgage and joint liability if both own it I think.

So you've bought the house and embarked on your renovations, which don't seem to include extensions, but you are having new kitchen, new bathroom, rewiring?, redecoration and new flooring. You have unilaterally decided on the kitchen, bathroom and colour schemes and are badgering him to do the plumbing during his evening sand weekends because he is a plumber. It sounds to me like you are treating this as your house only with him as a free workman, I'm not surprised he is fed up. It is no way to start out a new life together in a new house.

My first house was a do upper - it was all we could afford, the paint wasn’t dry when we had it on the market, we both hated it by the time we’d finished - we’d spent all out time and energy on it and was sniping at each other all the time. We moved to a ‘done’ house and lived peacefully for a few years

Yeah, this; you're not coming over well here, OP. It might take 12 years but all things being equal in the end it'll be his house too and the impression you're giving is that he's getting no input in the decisions, while coming home tired from work every day to... your expectation of more work. That's going to grate.

Oh, and you won't be technically mortgage free until you're actually mortgage free.

Are you helping with any of the hands on stuff? It sounds like he is working every hour he is awake. That is not sustainable. He will end up ill and then not be able to work to repay the loan. You need to take the pressure off him, even if that means that it takes longer to do things. Can you have a weekend off and go somewhere? Stay with friends or family to keep costs low.

You need to communicate better or this relationship will be over pretty quickly.